She Must Be Black, No?

So many people who read my post ‘A Little Girl Who Grows Up To Be A Friend’ seem to think of me as part of a rare breed of fathers, simply because I always wanted daughters and did my best for them. I don’t think I am special. I am an ordinary father who at one time struggled against a lot of odds so that my daughters could have the best of what life has to offer.

Let me go back in time to that point when I had just gotten into the Civil Service. I was suddenly inundated with offers of marriage from people known and unknown. Dowries were offered, and they were refused- I was told by ‘well wishers’ that IAS officers command the fattest dowries, and all I had to do was just say yes to any of the offers that were being received day in and day out. I still refused.

At this point my maternal aunt took upon herself to make me see ‘reason’. She suggested I should at least see some of the girls and then decide. Girls are not commodities to be seen and rejected, I said. Relatives threw up their hands, but my parents for some reason remained silent through the unfolding drama. ‘Iss ka dimag kharab ho gaya hai’– his brain has stopped functioning- was the last comment I heard from my aunt.

I ended up marrying for love – horror of horrors, I married a Malayalee – Madrasi to many of my relatives, and as I learnt, anything south of the Tropic of Cancer is Madras. When I announced my intention, my aunt-in-chief asked the scintillating question, ‘she must be black, no?’ My family are Arya Samajis- proud Aryans, and here I had turned Aryan history upside down by venturing into Dravidian territory. And no dowry in the bargain!

Now I am half Malayalee, except that I don’t follow the language. I don’t follow Punjabi either, even though it is my mother tongue. My daughters speak fluent Malayalam when they don’t want me to know what is going on. They are a mix of all that is best in the North and the South, or so I hope. They will not be paraded like cattle, nor will grooms be bought for them. They are proud human beings, and not just responsible, but responsive as well, as I expect them to respond strongly to all that is unjust and unfair.

To end, here is a matrimonial ad I found in a leading newspaper: “22, fair, homely, attractive Hindu virgin; 5’ 3”; convent educated; having traditional values with modern views; …… caste, belongs to a leading business family from UP, seeks well settled…groom from the same caste; sub-caste no bar. Boy should be between 25-30 years, teetotaler, vegetarian, well settled businessman, IAS, IPS, doctor, engineer. Girl’s uncle (chacha) is a senior government officer. Early, decent marriage; reply with horoscope and photo (returnable); contact box 1234

What parent parades a daughter’s virginity? And isn’t it an oxymoron “traditional with modern views’? My translation is that the poor girl has been given an education but has not been allowed to think for herself.

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Do tell me what is meant by a ‘decent marriage’.

Pic credit: Shadow Doll (Used under a Creative Commons license)

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