Can Marriage Counselling Help Deal With A Cheating Partner?

I woke up, with a phone call in the middle of the night, “Can you come to my place right away” spoke my friend from the other end. I tried to get myself together, and asked her “What happened is everything ok?  Are you fine?  “Will talk once you are here “she said in a hurried voice and hung up.

I had no idea to what had happened and anticipating that it could take me a bit long to return; I woke my husband and informed him about the situation. As the friend’s house was only 3 blocks away, I told him that it would be ok; I would drive down and declined his help to drive me over.

On the silent road, with thousands of questions running in my mind, I reached her house, to find she was packing her stuff. I was totally startled, her husband was trying to tell her that they can work it out, but she seemed to have made up her mind.
My friend informed me, she was moving out, she cannot stay with her husband anymore! She needed my support, for few days till she gathered that courage to tell her parents.  It was very clear, that she wanted to end the relationship, their marriage; the obvious reason, her husband was having an extra marital affair.

With utter silence in the car we reached my place. Finally she broke in to tears; “I agree our marriage was going through a rough patch “she said. But “He broke my trust and faith!“ And I was speechless.  I had known them as a couple for years now, and they were so much compatible or should I say “Made for each other types”.

I struggled with this question for so long, sitting aimlessly in front of the T.V. How and why had such a thing happened? I could not imagine how a person could supposedly love someone and then turn around and cheat on them, it just did not make sense to me .Not to forget how much pain, confusion, frustration, and overwhelming sense of betrayal my friend was going through.

I agree sometimes couples do fall out of love and grow to dislike each other, or they are having a troubled marriage  where they remain husband and wife in theory and these types of marriage certainly lead spouses to seek comfort of another adult, who looks like they would be a better partner. Lure of seeking solace in another becomes tempting at that point in life.

It’s common for men or women to state, “ I have no idea how this happened” yet an affair is just not a one night stands, but planned rendezvous. My friend’s husband was not different, he was not really sorry that he cheated, but more sorry that he was caught.

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This might be true for some, but I believe that most of us are always sorry for our actions and would do anything to take it back. Unfortunately turning the clock back is just impossible.

The situation here is tricky for my friend and actions unknown, but yet there is some hope, some actions which can bridge the fissure that has been created.

Some things our partners do may nip and hurt us badly. But in the long run, the best thing to do is move forward, we need to be willing to forgive and forget. Agreed, that is not always an easy thing to do.

I believe Forgiveness is the personal choice, a choice to give up resentment and right to punish the person for what they have done, but it definitely does not mean to allow the person to continuously hurt .While Forgetting is a long process, whatever has happened gets stored in the memory bank, and the same will get erased only with time. Eventually if you don’t let the thoughts dwell, the memory will return less often. Gradually move forward to a constructive and a healthy life.

My friend here has two choices, either to Stay or Leave and she is the only one who can decide the answer to that. Will she forget or forgive or simply continue to dredge up the past  will be her choice. It’s a decision which is not easy for anyone neither would be for her .

My suggestion to my friend and all those women (who are in such situation) would be, use the affair as a wake-up call as to what was wrong and could be improved in the marriage. Divorces are not the solution, but forget and forgiving the spouse is the key to help them overcome their guilt and start afresh. I understand one might feel it’s almost impossible to trust and love once again , but with work, an open heart and both spouses being committed to do what is needed , a marriage can not only survive an affair but can be stronger as a result.

I got up with these thoughts, where I was going to tell my friend to forgive, forget and let it go, give her marriage one more chance.

As I looked outside the window between the clouds, there lit a fabulous warm light as the rising sun announced the coming of a new day!  A new beginning!

Photo credit: wolfsoul (Used under the Creative Commons Attribution License)

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