An Open Letter To Givers Of Unsolicited Parenting Advice

Mothers are bombarded with unsolicited parenting advice at every chance. Here is an open letter venting out the frustrations of mommies out there!

Dear Unsolicited Parenting Advice Giving Acquaintance (or as I like to call them : UPAGA),

I hope this letter finds you in the pink of health. Oh, are you wondering if this is meant for you? Let me make it easy for you to figure that out – if you have ever felt compelled to tell your new neighbor what she should feed her newborn, then yes it is for you; if you have shared your pearls of wisdom regarding parenting with a woman in a mall on how to control her kid’s ‘rage’ issues, then you should read on. If you haven’t done either (yet!) you should still continue reading to not fall into the category at a later stage… because you will.

I had my first brush with an UPAGA when this lady who I had never met before  – an acquaintance of my husband’s – came to my home, stayed for three hours to see the baby who, as is expected of newborns, slept right through the ordeal, and shared her parenting experience (without being asked for, I might add) with me and my mom.

She drawled on about how to remove extra facial hair from my two week old baby’s face to how to make her complexion fair-er to how I should make her sleep on a special pillow to make her head rounder! As I said, it was the first time, and I was just amused at her total inability to figure out that my mom and I were silently laughing at her.

However, soon, I learnt that her behavior was not the exception, it was the norm. Almost every other person who visited me and the baby had something or the other to share… never mind if they had one kid, ten kids, or none. Almost all of them had a precious parenting nugget up their sleeve that they absolutely had to share with me – the first-time, sleep-deprived, haggard new mommy.

It’s been two years since that day and yet this parting of unasked for ‘valuable’ parenting ‘suggestions’ still continues.

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I have learnt to arrange my face into an attentive mode while tuning out the words and dreaming about cake!

You must be wondering why after 2.5 years, I have suddenly decided to speak up; that I should be used to it by now. Well, I am… most of the times. I have learnt to arrange my face into an attentive mode while tuning out the words and dreaming about cake! But, a couple of recent incidences have made me realize… that UPAGAs need to be stopped! They need to be told that they are not helping… that we don’t care for their unasked-for suggestions!

The incidents in question are –

1. A lady I have never met before, who supposedly lives in the flat next to me, met me in the elevator. After polite hellos, she inquired why I don’t bring my daughter to the play area. When told that she sleeps through the evening, she first ‘tch-tch’d, then looked at my daughter as if she has a terminal illness, and then proceeded to enlighten me on the importance of playing. Did I mention that I didn’t even know she was my neighbor till 15 minutes ago?!
2. A couple I met at the bus stop for the first time told me how I should make my daughter sleep early as it would be beneficial when she starts big school. Again, relative strangers, unsolicited advice.

To some of you, they must seem like innocent statements that I should not take to heart. I am sure you must be thinking that this woman is making a mountain out of a mole hill, that I should listen from one ear and let it fly out from another. Some of you might argue that these are valid suggestions, kids should go out and play and they should sleep early. However, the validity of these statements is not the point.

Why do we, as a society, have this need to tell others what to do? Why do we think that our way is the only way?

If they are right or wrong is not the question. The point is that why do people have this urge to pass their wisdom to others? Why do we, as a society, have this need to tell others what to do? Why do we think that our way is the only way? Why can’t we, before suggesting something, stop and think that ‘hey, she has not asked for it. Maybe she might have her reasons for doing what she is doing?’

And the bigger question is – why do we give suggestions to people, who have not asked for it, at all? Did I ask these well-wishers for their advice? For their suggestions? No. Also, the fact that this advice  was coming from complete strangers who don’t know me, my daughter, and our situation completely baffled me.

So, these two seemingly innocent remarks got me thinking and I decided to write down why these UPAGAs irk me so much. So, here goes nothing –

1. The fact that you are a total stranger who I have never met in my life before is definitely number one.
2. I don’t know you, you don’t know me. You don’t know my daughter, you don’t know what is going on in our lives. You don’t know our situations or our struggles. How can you comment on my parenting style without knowing anything about me or my life?
3. Having two kids doesn’t make you an expert. Neither does three… Neither does meeting your nieces and nephews every alternate month.
4. You have a healthy happy teenager, great! But, you had a kid almost a decade ago! The times were different, the age was different. Have you stopped to think that maybe your parenting style is not applicable now?
5. Yes, you have raised kids, now please let me raise mine. Thank you very much.
6. Okay, so you don’t have a kid, you have never interacted with a toddler before but it worked for your bhabhi’s sister’s jethani’s friend’s nanad’s masi’s daughter so it will work for my kid too… uhh no, it most probably will not.
7. It helped your kid, good for him. Must I absolutely try it with my kid? Because a kid is a kid is a kid? Again… uhh, no!
8. Nodding in elevators, meeting at the same bus stop, having the same maid, standing in line at the same grocery shop… does not make us friends! So, no, I will not discuss my child’s sleeping pattern with you.

If you are an unsolicited parenting advice giver, I have unsolicited advice for you – Please stop. I know you think you are doing us clueless mommies a favor by sharing your infinite parenting experience, but honestly, nobody appreciates it. Let me come to you with a problem, and then maybe you can impart your parenting wisdom and I might listen and actually follow. Till then, please comment on how cute / friendly / naughty my child is and be on your way.

Thanking you,

an extremely-bugged Mommy

This post was first published here.

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