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Teach young men and women that a woman's self worth is not based on a piece of tissue - that the loss of virginity does not make a woman a slut.
Teach young men and women that a woman’s self worth is not based on a piece of tissue – that the loss of virginity does not make a woman a slut.
“I don’t have a problem with pre-marital sex! I just want my wife to be a virgin,” the 28 year old said. Just as I was wondering how that would work biologically and statistically, one of my girlfriends prompted, “That is normal. Don’t go all feminazi on him!”
As a young single woman who writes about feminism and sexuality, there is one thing that I get asked a lot. Quite a few people have come up to me and said “It’s amazing how boldly you can write all this despite being unmarried”.
Initially, I didn’t understand why there was a constant ‘unmarried’ angle to the feedback. Later, I realized that being unmarried and writing about sex indicates that I might not be a ‘virgin’ and choosing to write despite that seemed like a ‘bold’ move.
After all, why would a single girl want to be seen as a ‘non-virgin’?
Obviously our obsession with virginity seems to suggest that the only thing that an educated, beautiful and pleasant girl can give her husband is a brand new vagina.
Before I go on to invite wrath, I want to clarify that I have nothing against those who believe that pre-marital sex is not for them or those who believe in abstinence or even those who expect their partners to share the same values.
However, I do have a problem with those who divide the world of women into pure and impure based on a tissue in our vagina.
Take my friend who was okay with pre-marital sex but couldn’t deal with the idea that his wife could have been with another man in the past. I asked him if he thought that his wife’s body belonged to him and he got really angry and said that I was just being ridiculous.
“I don’t think that way and she can even wear whatever she wants,” he said, assuming that it would win him the most ‘broad-minded’ person of the year award.
He asked me, “Don’t you feel bad if you get intimate with another guy because you are technically cheating on your husband?”
Perplexed, I clarified that I wasn’t married to which he quickly said, “I know. I meant your future husband”.
It took me back to seventh grade when my teacher asked me what I wanted to be and I said that I wanted a job that would take me all around the world. She shot me down and said, “That is fine, but when you have a husband and a child, you will start to think differently”.
In seventh grade, that was a powerful message for me.
How many men are reminded to live a certain way so that they don’t offend an imaginary wife?
My teacher’s words suggested that my career decisions depended on my child and my husband. My friend’s question of cheating on a ‘future-husband’ reminded me that I am not allowed to make decisions about my body without keeping an imaginary husband in mind.
If he gets a promotion, we congratulate him. If he slept with a girl, we tell him that he ‘scored’.
Virginity jokes are endless. Why would you want to drive a second-hand car? Why would you want to marry a girl who is already used?
The jokes are sad but I find it hilarious that a society’s ego is so fragile that a tissue in my vagina can break it.
This is not just about men, because there are mothers who teach their daughters to ‘save themselves’ for marriage. There are families that look for ‘fresh brides’. There are women who slut shame other women. We are internally conditioned to believe that losing our virginity before marriage is rebellious and bad.
If you want to teach your daughter about abstinence, teach her in ways that don’t seem to tell her that she is a commodity that needs to be gift wrapped until the right man comes along. Teach her about safe sex and about waiting until she is ready.
Is it your life’s ambition to make your guy feel like you are the new, unused, fresh car that he purchased?
Don’t tell her that the man she chooses to spend the rest of her life with will majorly judge her based on whether or not she spread her legs in the past.
It is important that we tell our girls and boys these things.
We need to tell our boys that they don’t have to have ‘sexual conquests’ and ‘know-it-all’ about sex to be cool.
A man’s self-worth is NOT based on how many he has ‘scored’.
And it is also high time that we tell our girls that her self-worth does not lie in between her legs.
Image source: Indian youngsters hanging out by Shutterstock.
A marketing graduate from the Indian School Of Business, Nandhitha is passionate about writing. She loves to write about the world around her and also enjoys dabbling with fiction/poetry. read more...
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