Does Moving For Your Husband Or Child Always Work Out For Women? [#ReachOutThursday]

Moving for your husband or kids is common, but is it always a happy result for women? Share your thoughts with these women. 

Every Thursday, the Women’s Web expert panel with the support of Healtheminds, answers questions from readers facing relationships issues, emotional and mental challenges and other such issues. 

If you are feeling the need for support in a relationship, simply enter your details here to schedule a counselling session with Healtheminds.

Unable to bear small town life

I am very confused about my life, especially marriage. My age is 36, and I got married last year. As in our family kundli matching is very important, I had difficulty finding a suitable match and got married late.

My husband is 3yrs older than me and is of very good nature with immense patience & my mother-in-law is only there living with us. She is near about 65yrs old and a very good lady.

My main problem is that I belong to a big city and got married to a guy from a small town’ with my consent only, but within 1yr I realized that the atmosphere here is intolerable, unbearable. All these shortcomings of small place I was not aware of so much before marriage, and due to this, I used to visit every second month to my parents house for 3-4 days.

I curse them somewhat for marrying me into a traditional family and with my husband, I fight on small and big matters because there is no freedom, nothing in this city. I think he has no problems regarding the place, in fact he has got used to listening to me, though unwillingly. This creates unnecessary distance between us and sometimes mood upsets etc.

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I am facing such problems I think because I always dreamt of living in a bigger city after marriage especially & it happened vice versa. Regular thoughts of ending this marriage come to my mind because my husband will not change this place in the future also since he has an established business here with a new house as well.

Please help me.

Hello! Yes, it is difficult to cope up in a small town, for someone who is brought up in a city. I understand that you have been comparing the small town life with the big city you were brought up in many ways. But… There’s always a But, because there’s always an alternative, either an alternative thinking to the problem or an alternative action course. It depends on us which one is more suitable for us.

You have stated in your concern that your husband and mother-in-law are very nice people. Hence, I’m assuming that they are supportive too. If you have got an educational background, you have options of starting something of your own with a little investment. If you have any other potential like singing, dancing, tutoring, stitching/tailoring, gardening etc., you can explore on the options to progress on these lines and also may train others too.

May be the small town has lesser options for children, adolescents and young adults to explore their potential; and you can do that exploration of self and help these young ones to self explore too. In the event that if you would like to open up your own business, starting in a small town makes sense because there is a lot less competition. It is easy to establish yourself in a small town first.

One of the prime reasons people leave small town is in search of opportunities elsewhere. Life in smaller towns tends to be less stressful than life in a metropolitan city. Of course, everyone has to cope with stress, but in general life moves at a slower, more relaxed pace. This means less health complications, and better physical and mental health.

I suggest you to have a conversation with your husband about your concerns. I know you would have done that multiple times earlier. But, now you have some plans for yourself, you know where this transitional problem is coming from. The way we communicate to our partner is very important like the tone of our voice, the attitude we use in communicating our feelings, the impulsivity, the emotional balance and being ourselves is very essential, whether you are a male or a female.

Discuss about this concern when you both have time and are in a right mind set.

– Aruna Arumugam, Counsellor, Healtheminds

Live with children or not?

I am a 65-year-old woman, with two children, a boy and a girl, both married and in good jobs. My son is living abroad and has 1 child, while my daughter got married last year and has no kids yet. She is in Mumbai. I am on good terms with both their spouses and overall quite contented.

My husband passed away around 5 years ago, and I live in a small town in Western India. My children are now very insistent that I should move in with them for all or most of the year. While I love them extremely, I am afraid that if I move in to their place, I may lose my independence, and have to depend on them even for small-small things. I have my husband’s pension coming to me and can manage most of my expenses myself, although my son does help with a small amount each month.

I am also afraid that living together will spoil the pleasant relationship I have with their spouses; I have seen too many joint families living with so much unpleasantness. I have also faced this with my own mother-in-law.

At the same time, I am falling ill more often – although I have no other major illness, I am diabetic and have some difficulty controlling my sugar levels. I am very confused. What do you feel? My son is getting a little angry since he feels I don’t trust him.

Hello Mam, I admire the positivity and the independent life you have been living for the past few years. It’s good to know that at the age of 65 you are a proud independent, loving mother, mother-in-law and a grandmother. Familial ties are hard to keep at the positive end especially in this era where technology takes a upper hand, everywhere and humans are engrossed into it, though it is of great help for us if we utilize it appropriately and efficiently.

Half a century ago most families stayed in the same area. You lived your life in close proximity to most of your relatives. Children would marry and move away from home. This “moving away from home” usually meant a few miles or at most it may have been the next town where they established their roots. “A happy new home is one where you can’t see the smoke from your parent’s chimney.”  That may be true, but everyone you knew lived within an hour of each other.

Things changed dramatically in the last half of the century. Wherever you are, being your self is very important. If your son is very insistent with the plan of you moving with him, maybe you should give it a chance by spending a small vacation with them as a trial period. It’s not to assess them as good or bad, rather to look at your comfort and independency in life.

There are also other things, like do you know for sure that they want you closer to them?  Will you be able to make new companions or friends when you move or will you be relying totally on your family for the relationships you need in your life? Will you end up becoming a baby sitter, cook, cleaner and gardener for your adult children?  Maybe you can’t wait to be able to help them out, but you need to consider these things in advance. What about your son-in-law or daughter-in-law?  How do they feel about having you closer?  Have you been open with each other and talked through all the issues in advance?  Do they have blended families?

You feel that you haven’t spent enough time with them or they want you near because they feel guilty about not having made enough effort to get together with you in the past.  Adult children and their parents sometimes play games with each other.  Adult children may send messages they feel their parents want to hear or messages that will not upset their parent, rather than what is true.  So, be careful and above all be honest with each other before you pull up stakes.

“Knowing what it would be like” is often difficult to achieve without “actually doing it.”  If you move, you would be wise to arrange for help from other sources for some of your needs so as not to rely totally on your family and overwhelm them. Make it a comfortable transition for everyone involved.

Do you get the feeling they want you closer?

If so, you are the most fortunate person in the world! Seize the opportunity…family is everything!

-Aruna Arumugam, Counsellor, Healtheminds

If you are feeling the need for support in a relationship, simply enter your details here to schedule a counselling session with Healtheminds.

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