I Misunderstood My Husband’s Actions And Bad-Mouthed Him [#ReachOutThursday]

A reader writes in to us on having misjudged her husband and now having a change of heart. Can the ensuing feeling of guilt ever go away?

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Feeling terribly guilty at how I have portrayed my husband

I am a happily (?) married woman. My husband is extremely introverted. He speaks seldom. I know he had a difficult childhood. He lost his parents early in his childhood and is a self made man.

Although he cares for me, what haunts me is his silence. In my married life he has never shouted at me nor he has ever abused my parents or me. He reads and reads and reads. As he serves as an associate professor he says reading is his bread and butter. Besides reading he knows nothing. I thought of him as the most selfish person in the world.

Gradually I began to hate him. Among my friends, relatives and parents I spread the concept that he is an egoist and selfish.

Life suddenly changed when my father suffered a stroke. My husband immediately rushed to his town. He arranged the best possible treatment for my father in a well-known hospital. He spent sleepless nights at my father’s bedside. He paid all his hospital bills. When my mother wanted to return back the money he said that my father has given him the most important and most precious thing in his life, and he could not repay that. Perhaps he was referring to me.

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Now I came across a different facet of my husband. Everywhere I have tried to paint him as a villain. What I have done! I am thinking of ending of my life. My guilt is killing me. Every day. Once I openly told him every thing. He simply smiled and said nothing. What can I do?

Hi dear! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

I am sure you know by now how fortunate you are in having such a decent husband. I can assure you, from experience, that many women out there would be envying you and secretly wishing that they had a husband like yours.

The fact that he is an introvert should not really go against him dear or the fact that he spends most of his leisure time reading. Its good that he keeps himself busy, otherwise he will keep you busy and distracted. In marriage it is said that “personal space” is very important. Give him his personal space and he will show his gratitude in various other ways , if not directly,

Its good that you have finally realised his worth and sorry to know that your father had to undergo health issues for you to understand the depths of your husband’s real personality. But the lesson learnt is going to be there for keeps and also, all is well which ends well. Now, keep him for keeps dear, really and truly.

And please banish this guilt from your heart. Let bygones be bygones. Your husband’s smile said it all when you told him about it, didn’t you mention that? So please take your cue from him and do not ever feel guilty about the things said or unsaid in the past either with him or with your relatives. No one actually has the time to think about the other person as each one is so much immersed in their own affairs. So do not worry about his so called “image” which you have created in the minds of your relatives.

Rather, replace that with a positive image. Start affirming about his qualities to your friends and relatives, as and when you get a chance and soon you will realize that guilt is slowly and steadily moving out from your heart to be replaced by infinite love for your husband. And when your friends see that inner glow of peace and contentment on your face, even words will not be required to let them know what a gem of a person your husband is.

None of us is an angel. Although we all strive to be one. So being human, all of us have faults. You forgive your own past follies to yourself sincerely and also forgive him his, if any.

Move on in life, with your husband – celebrating and glorifying each moment. All the best!

If you are feeling the need for support in a relationship, simply enter your details here to schedule a counselling session with Healtheminds.

You can ask a question to be answered too using this form.

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