You Are Single, How Do You ‘Manage’? Reflections On A Single Woman’s Sex Life

A single woman’s sex life, whether it exists or not, seems to arouse curiosity in everybody else. Here’s a personal experience.

I will not be another flower, picked for my beauty and left to die. I will be wild, difficult to find, and impossible to forget – Erin Van Vuren

Being a single woman, I get this remark very often: “You are single, how do you manage”. “Manage what? “ I ask.

But my own gender? they too ask me. Yes, please ask me, I have no problem in sharing with my own gender but why in private? Ask me in public. Can you do that? They step backwards. “Shhhh, are you crazy, people are around will listen. But we know you are bold, your writing is bold, and we are not bold. So be silent and lower your voice.”

I have no answer to these questions. I do not reply either. All I do is to listen.

Let’s see what science has to say. As per medical parlance, when a woman hits puberty she grows up but still with the mind of a child/adolescent. The estrogen and progesterone hormones starts developing and then the girl hits menarche. She bleeds. The desire to have sex or to masturbate is high, and one’s vulnerability is at the peak. The ovaries are ripe and full of eggs, waiting for impregnation by sperm and to get fertilized. That is the time the urges/desires take an upper hand. During the menstrual cycle, the eggs are discharged along with the uterus lining, the tissues. The desire to have sex also fades at this point of the cycle.

Yes, I have been bleeding since age twelve. When I was in my teens I did not understand my mind. Instead, I was confused by mixed feelings. I felt attracted to the opposite gender but I controlled it. Given the fact we are taught moral lessons, I knew my limits. All was hunky dory till I got divorced. I was very young back then (in my late twenties) and had a toddler.

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At work, things were professional, but somehow I was the odd woman out. I did not wear the traditional mangalsutra, I did not wear the red bindi on my forehead and also the vermillion a Bengali women wear on their parted hair was missing.

At times in the evening, when leaving my work I used to get sick thinking of the herculean train travel, so one day when my boss was about to leave, I asked him for a lift. I regretted the decision later and here is why.“So what next? I feel for you, alone, so much work on your tender shoulders, why don’t you go in for a second marriage? And please do not misunderstand me, but how do you manage?” He asked very casually.

Initially I thought TO MANAGE meant managing my household but no, he spouted wisdom again and clarified that ‘to manage’ referred to the urges. He had sex with his wife, she needed it and it’s a must to keep one going and that I should be doing the same as well. So now I understood the term ‘Manage’. I had no answers for him. On repeated pestering, I told him, “Please find a suitor for me and I will marry, or you leave your wife and marry me”. Problem solved.

But the questions kept doing rounds and I still got those remarks – Single mother, Young mother, Working Mother, Second Marriage and last but not the least ‘Manage’. Big question mark?

The questions haunted me. I hated listening to those remarks. I wanted to tell them, “Please tell me what I should do? Go find a man for me and let me marry and satisfy myself”. I could not.

People often mistake me as BOLD. What is it to be bold? Does it mean I should hang around with anyone in town? Does it mean I should go to bed each time I see a man? Does it mean I am capable of chasing a man?

I also have in my share of friends several single women. But I never ask them this question, “How do you manage?” I know the answer myself. I need that sex; so they too need the same and there is nothing wrong in it. But I have a problem, why do you ask this question to a single woman and what does the society wants to know?

Let me explain to this society and to all who are so curious for my answers, you need to find a suitable match for yourself. Once you have learned a lesson by breaking away from that unhappy marriage, now you need to be careful to select a man of your choice. If you do not feel the need to go in for a second marriage then don’t. People nowadays go for a live-in relationship, and there is no harm if you are okay with it – go for it. But if you still feel you are unhappy, then it is better to be single rather than this ever complex yet simple relationship controversy.

The eternal question, how does a single woman manage her urges? All have the urges. I have explained in the beginning of my narration that each woman goes through it. Yes, I am a single woman and I too have my urges but that does not make me desperate. There are ways to counter the feelings. Find a channel to distract yourself. Do not clutter your mind with thoughts of Sex. I believe that sex is sacred, and so is love. The urges will come, it happens with me as well, but as I said, channelize it.

I have come across names of several toys; I really don’t know what they are.  I have only heard about them but haven’t seen them. I do not need them. For me sex is sacred and I can control my urges. So if you get a remark that you are BOLD, just say, “Yes I am bold enough to extend a kind heart, I am bold enough to manage myself, I am bold enough to reach out and help people”. That is an act of boldness. Make no mistake. Be careful when you deal with the opposite gender. It is natural that single women might fall a prey to malicious characters.

Welcome to being a single woman. So what if you are alone now? Go get a coffee. Go for a movie. Go for a drive. Go for a long walk. Get to know yourself. Nothing bad can come from riding whatever paves a way to self amelioration. You are within the moment and also know you can manage your urges without compromising your values. If you are not happy being single, then just know that you know be never be happy when ‘taken’ either.

In conclusion to those who ask us single women, “How we manage”, just sing a lullaby for them. That will help them understand their desperation and not ours. Also be proud of the fact you are independent and self operated. Being single is the part of your life when you can truly figure out who you are. Stand tall and lead, as an example to this biased society.

Top image via Pexels

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