Dear Men, Sex During Pregnancy Is OK. Stop Obsessing Over Porn!

Husbands might be miss the sex during pregnancy of their wives, but is that a free pass for using porn, without any thought for the wife’s sexual needs?

The other day, my husband was telling me about a friend of his who became a massive consumer/propagator of watching porn at a certain time in life.

“What time was this?” I asked.

That time in life, it seems, was very sexually frustrating for the man. His wife’s belly was growing by the minute, and he “couldn’t have sex” for nine months. So, he resorted to the pleasures of porn and advertised his new obsession on the guys-only WhatsApp group. Meanwhile, the mother-to-be slept on her left side in bed (for that’s the recommended sleeping position for pregnant women) and refrained from any sexual advances even when she felt like it.

Pregnant women, it is believed, don’t feel like having sex. (sarcasm alert!) They are “troubled enough” as is with morning sickness and bloating and should not be put through the added trouble of sex. For sex, after all, is essentially a wifely duty that women have to perform, and not really an act of mutual pleasure. Never mind how many pregnant women, after having had a difficult day, want to be held, cuddled and kissed. Never mind that many pregnant women report having highly sensitive nipples during pregnancy, which can heighten the pleasure of the experience. When you are pregnant, the main purpose of sex (conceiving a child) has been achieved already, so what is the point of intercourse anyway?

“Don’t make this a feminist issue,” someone told me the other day, when I was speaking my mind. “Sex during pregnancy is not done because it is not safe for the baby.”

Oh yes, touching each other will send bad vibes to the baby who, by the way, is just lingering a micrometer under the skin of the stomach. Doctors have, time and again, established that having sex during pregnancy doesn’t hurt the baby because it is well-protected in the amniotic sac. The penis can go only as far as the vagina, and cannot reach the baby! It is also wrongly believed that having an orgasm can send a pregnant woman into labour. Again, not true. While an orgasm can trigger some mild contractions, these are usually harmless and will not lead to premature delivery.

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Basically, unless your doctor explicitly forbids you from having sex (either due to a medical condition or, sometimes, when you are in your final trimester), there is no reason you cannot. Oh, apart from one – pregnant women should only think pure thoughts.

It has long been customary in India to send the mother-to-be to her mother’s house. She stays there till her delivery, away from her husband. This break from her marital house gives her rest from daily chores, and she can be around her family and friends. While the tradition is very healthy and thoughtful, it also means a long period of isolation for the couple. Hence – bring on the porn. The wife is, in any case, getting fatter and fatter, and doesn’t look remotely sexy.

There is also a lot of meaningful, openly thrown about caution from the family – “No more now!” Suddenly, its back to the clandestine, pooh-poohed time of dating.

One of my friends once mentioned, “I always thought getting pregnant would become my free pass to having a lot more sex. You know, having sex for the joy and not just to make a baby. I didn’t know that my sex life would, instead, become so regulated!” She, by the way, loved the scene from ‘Sex and the City’ when one of the girls buys herself a vibrator.

Whether or not to have sex during pregnancy is, ultimately, a decision that a couple has to make for themselves. A pregnant woman has a raging whirlwind in her mind – she is excited about what’s to come; she’s also nervous. She is going through many physical and emotional changes which leave her drained. Sometimes, all she may want to do is lie down and go off to sleep. Sometimes, all she may want to do is get intimate with her husband and feel sexually connected, just like it used to be before she conceived. The man too is going through a monumental change in life – his wife is going to give birth to his child, her belly looks so big and delicate, and he’s going to have someone who will call him Dad!

There are various other things to consider in this decision – most importantly, your health, followed by your personal beliefs and your family structure. I only wish this was a decision that emanated more from mutual discussion, desire and medical opinion, and less from “that’s how it has always been”.

Image source: shutterstock

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