What Happened This Week When ‘Aunt Flo’ Refused To Visit Me

A delayed period. What could it be? Is something wrong? What is with us that we both want AND don’t want our periods? A hilarious personal account.

Last Sunday, I woke up to the reminder that read –“Beware of yourself! You are about to start PMSing.” Well, that’s a sad thing to start the day with, but on the contrary I felt fresh and happy. Though I was sceptical of swinging back to having a grumpy day, I made a deliberate attempt to not stride back.

The day went fine and I was pretty happy to mark my calendar green for having spent a good day without giving a tough time to anyone including myself. Just a week to go and then, I would lay in peace.

An unusually calm week

To my surprise, my week is awesome. My maid doesn’t make even the tiniest of mistakes. My husband pampers me to the core. And above all, my toddler remains joyful and has a perfect sleep routine.

Having spent the PMS period in such peace is difficult to accept and digest. With a perfect 30 day cycle, I am sure that today Aunt Flo would pay me a visit.

This lady is always a tough nut to crack. Every time there is a different hurdle of mood swings to pass through before she can pay me a visit. And even though she gives us a tough time, most girls and women look forward to her arrival.

I have made all arrangements for the arrival of Aunt Flo. The servant is instructed to cook light meals. While leaving she is supposed to hand over a hot cup of tea to me. The heating pad is ready on the bed. The maid is requested to stay over and manage my cranky toddler. Above all, those white sheets are to be changed to a darker colour.

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Where’s Aunt Flo?

The day passes by pretty smoothly and Aunt Flo hadn’t paid me a visit yet. I thank her for being so considerate but a couple of days down the line it starts getting on my nerves. Now my brain is processing all the data from the beginning of her last month’s visit.

‘I am just not ready for another child. But it is just impossible. My hubby was busy for the entire month and we barely spoke, forget about anything else.’

‘Wait a minute… We had a couple of morning quickies. But I am sure I used protection every time!’

Meanwhile, every 15 minutes, I visit the washroom to check, but to my dismay the juices are still plain white.

Searching for reasons

Just to confirm, I call up my hubby and he’s like ‘I am sure there is nothing wrong. Your dates might have changed because of stress and anxiety.’

However I am not much convinced. So next I google – ‘Can ingesting sperms lead to pregnancy? What is the probability of a manufacturing defect in a condom? And what is the possibility of it being tampered by sharp, long nails of girls?’

Note: I know it’s stupid. But that’s what this Aunt Flo does to me when she doesn’t ring the bell on time

Dismissing all possible reasons, I look for ways to induce periods and the easiest one was gulping down one whole papaya. Next some pineapple and ultimately push-ups and exercise. After waiting for another 8 hours and praying to god to please be kind, I am almost convinced that I am either pregnant for real or it is a phantom pregnancy.

At bedtime I cursed my husband for not knowing the right time to put the protection on. We had a good fight, and just then, Aunt Flo came gushing by.

Leaving the discussion abruptly, I straightaway rushed to the washroom; and what a heavenly feeling it was! Letting off all the grudge, angst and apprehension!! My hubby welcomed me back into the room with a sarcastic grin and the heating pad. I just gave him a sheepish smile, and he knew that the toddler is his responsibility for the night now.

Header image is a still from the movie Dear Zindagi

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