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The author gives a peek into the dark alleys of a writer's mind. Read on.
The author gives a peek into the dark alleys of a writer’s mind. Read on.
Title: Still Figuring It All Out!
I was dabbling back and forth with the title of the story but I guess its a bad idea to put forth the title before the story, isn’t? More so when one just had ramblings in their mind but has a dire need to publish their unstructured thoughts out to the world. Does it sound familiar? Well, the title is out there up already even before the content. I’ve been there several times and ended up deleting the entire post even after several edits and I’m still figuring out the reason behind this pattern.
However, in hindsight, the pre-defined title, makes sense. It makes so much sense in terms of my current state of life, in terms of my career, in terms of my own existence. Do I sound self-obsessed already? Can I help not to look inward but look out to the world and solve global problems or at least think of it? NO! I’ve tonnes of problems in my own life, and I need to deal with them first to make sense of it all, more so when one goes through an existential crisis along the mid-life.
However, at most times my mind is divided between solving the world problems of literacy, employability of students, corporate fanatics, farmers and so forth, and of course my own crisis. Sitting at the plush elitist chair of technology, sophistication, and privileged to be able to afford the most, can I complain of my existential crisis? Carrying this burden of guilt and self-pleasure, the mind is still figuring out as to where it belongs. If it will ever belong anywhere or it would forever ramble and keep figuring things out on the go!
The Body
This body of work will not lead the reader anywhere nor the intent is so. There is no intent in fact when the self-goes through the messiness of the ever wandering mind. The wandering mind critiques the article even before reaching its great body of work. Sorry readers, a little bit of futuristic self-pride will elevate the mind of the author, trust me. The messy mind thinks what is the point in solving one’s existential problem, what’s the point in writing, what’s the point in it all? But another question that bashes this thought is if everything would be seen in this light of pessimism and narcism? Is it really necessary to shoot down each and every thought that comes to the mind? Is there really a need to self-critique every damn thought that crosses the mind?
After all its just crossing the mind and how much one let it thrive depends on the self! Phew…those are some of the mind ramblings…cant it get worse? Yes, my friend, it does…most of the times, when I try to write and end up deleting the thoughts at the end. But the end is not there yet. Sometimes, its suicidal sometimes it’s self-loathing and its a mirage of all possible confusion. Life was never fair my friends!
The Coping Up
It scares the shit out of me, the word ‘coping up’. The process of going through improving the errors, changing one’s comfort zone, doing things that make one tick in this rat racing world, doing for one hour, one day, one month and feeling better and getting back to the confusion again…phew…the cycle and the loop again. At times it feels better to be messy to stay untouched of one’s own issues, to just live in the filth of confused thoughts.
And at times like these, coming to a coffee shop and claiming a seat with technology around to write few lines of self-deprecating and self-loathing screwed up articles makes sense- Like a broken record in a broken English to publish it to the world only to feel better momentarily and get back home with sadistic and suicidal thoughts once again! Is that my coping up process? I don’t know, and I don’t want to end this article with a happy ending as it’s not a happy ending. Ending with a sad thought doesn’t makes us a failure. I’m still figuring it all out even at this fag, vague and an abrupt end of this write up and the way life and days are going by, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be figuring it out all the way!
The End
Still expecting something meaningful to derive out of your precious 5 minutes or so of this read? Sorry to disappoint my friend, I had tonnes of happy and positive stories in my 20’s and early 30’s. Now, its only crisis, existential issues, and confusion of the mid-life, an effort to relate with other readers, an effort to release those subdued thoughts. For a long time, those liberating expressions of words and feelings stayed only inside the self. This is an effort to get out bare naked with imperfections and messiness all around this self and believing a brighter side even being in the darker state of life. That is all my lovely readers if at all there are any. As a naive writer, this doesn’t call for any celebration but hiding into a closet and speaking of problems and solving them via a silly writing on a blog, feeling better and going home back to the darkness again. Well, this is my first step and I seek no validation from anyone. I shall leave the confusions to rest, at least for a while.
Image Source: Shiuli Deb
As I like to say, life in progress. The journey matters so much than the destination in most cases, and that's what keeps me going. read more...
This post has published with none or minimal editorial intervention. Women's Web is an open platform that publishes a diversity of views, individual posts do not necessarily represent the platform's views and opinions at all times.
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