Permit Me To Apply For The Position Of ‘Wife’ In Your Esteemed Family

Arranged marriages through matrimonial sites or through word of mouth have become a joke where everything other than a woman’s self is considered – after all, who cares what she wants, right?

Hello,

I came across the opportunity to apply for the position of ‘Wife’ in your esteemed family. I have gone through the details of the position, and your expectations from the incumbent, on the matrimonial website.

Regards,
Prospective Bride

Name

Single girl in her early 30’s (nearly off-the-shelf)

Summary

(tweaked based on expectations cited on the matrimonial site) I spent 21 years equipping myself with knowledge, skills and information that hold no significance in this process.

In those 21 years I was told to show achievement orientation, problem solve, develop leadership qualities, be competitive and cultivate a well-rounded personality.

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However, I have also been trained to repress most of my desires, opinions and abilities to ensure I do not cross the gender-roles I have been assigned, and demonstrate a benign and genteel persona at all times.

Qualifications

Post Graduate degree in a vocation, but my true qualifications lie in the domain of surreptitious self-expression and postured conformation to social dictates.

Skills

• Cooking,
• maintaining a 90% clean household (10% less because it will never be satisfactory),
• folding clothes and maintain an orderly wardrobe,
• finding hidden articles such as socks, handkerchief, butter knives and sewing kits with ease,
• laughing and talking at the apt volume,
• balancing a tray of cups and plates with poise,
• walking around in floor length garments gracefully,
• singing, dancing (Indian classical only; EDM and Bollywood does not count),
• knowledge of all important aartis and bhajans and draping a saree, with knowledge of the appropriate colour as per the day of the week, flawlessly.

Abilities

• Manage conflicts between family members by saying nothing and not interfering,
• listening to unsolicited advice by elders without retorts,
• be congenial at all social gatherings,
• support all flawed characteristics and mistakes of the husband in front of his parents and relatives,
• agree to never disagree with conviction,
• manage responsibilities of work and home with minimal complaints,
• keep minimal company with the opposite sex,
• settle for weekends without any space or solitude,
• restrict “me-time” to spa or salon visits and humbly accept them as a privilege and
• be co-operative with all extended members of the family (as well as seek out time with parents who brought me up, but are now “outside the purview of my job description”)

Past experience

None, because all my previous relationships have been erased from memory and all social records are preserved under strict confidence. Any trace of a previous physical relationship will also be omitted from acknowledgement or recollection*

Other details

• I won’t drink, smoke or swear in the presence of any family member or even a distant acquaintance.
• All my friends will be at their fake-best when present in any social gathering, as they have also been trained rigorously.
• All my ambitions and irrelevant skill-sets will be locked in a box and placed safely in a corner of my mind, which will be opened only in the middle of the night or with friends in a drunken bout.
• I will take efforts to lie and go for “work trips” when I need a break and ensure all social media proof will be deleted or made inaccessible so as to not cause any embarrassment to the family.
• I will ensure I play the role of wife, daughter-in-law, mother and other associated roles, to the best of my ability and rarely indulge the role of “self”. I acknowledge and agree that more time spent on “self”, and other associated activities, could negatively impact my performance as wife, mother, et al, and an evaluation provided by close members of the family will be unfavorable. I also accept that this evaluation will be shared with my parents, along with remarks on their competence to bring up a daughter in an appropriate manner.

I hope to never give you a chance for such an evaluation, but considering your high expectations, I acknowledge the likelihood.

Contact details

Parents’ details (as I’m not so forward to share my own)

*Conditions apply

Based on the 20 or so interviews that I have attended in the last few years since I became eligible for this role. For sample templates to create your own resume, do get in touch.

Stay tuned to know interview tips that will land you the job!

Image source: a still from the movie Dum Laga Ke Haisha

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