My Life May ‘Look’ Perfect To You, But Every Day, I Battle Several Demons

To an outsider, my life may look ideal and almost-perfect. However, I’ve been battling suicidal tendencies since I was a kid. Here’s my story.

Trigger warning: This post contains details of suicidal tendencies and familial abuse which may be triggering to survivors.

I have always counted my blessings in my life- my husband, my precious child, and my job. And while, I am thankful for these blessings, the suicidal feelings has been on my mind since I was a little girl. The reasons are/were plenty.

It may look perfect but it’s far from it

Many may think what else does a girl want! Trust-worthy parenting partners and two homes for my little one… well, it’s not that rosy. I am constantly verbally abused by my mother and brother.

The expressions on their faces can be so intimidating that it could provoke the most tame soul. What could be the reason? Do they hate me? Why? Am I not my mother’s child? Or am I not his little sister? Why are they angry?

Both my brother and mother are presumably in depression themselves. I am not sure because they are easily jealous of me and just want to badmouth me.

My husband has no say because he is not involved. When my brother attempted to assault me with his slipper, my husband chose to turn away.  My dad has no say because, hey, it’s his son!

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It wasn’t easy growing up with them

Have I considered a change of place? Yes, a million times. But isn’t this 2020, daughter and equal rights? Well, where is that? My mother easily tells me, ‘Why were you born so ugly with such big eyes, dark skin and protruding teeth? If you were beautiful enough, a richer man would have married you.’ Err okay… thanks for the compliment, amma.

For my mother, who has sued her brothers for ancestral property sees me as an outsider. She also believes I deserve this treatment for setting my foot back in this house. My mother has REALLY made me feel that being a daughter is a curse!

Every time when I deny money other than the rent, I am abused and screamed at by my entrepreneur who earns nothing, brother. My little three-year-old girl looks me in the eye and says, ‘Don’t be scared, mom, I am here.’

I wonder what her little mind must be going through. Amidst this toxic environment, feeling suicidal is inevitable. But I dare not execute it for my little angel. What would she do without me?

My tendencies are a reminder that it’s always good to talk it out

As a little girl, when my brother called me weird names, like dirty black pig, ugly piglet or shamed me in front of his friends, I chose to keep the candies for him. I hoped he wouldn’t bully me and treated me better. That was silly of me and it never worked anyway. The teasing only worsened my low self-esteem issues and I would run to the terrace to evaluate if I could die if I fell from there or if I would only break bones. Thankfully, that never happened.

My paternal grandmother sensed this behaviour in me. She would give me pep talks on how things would improve if I studied well or played with others friends. I followed her advice and gave my best at school. Today, if I earn a six-digit salary, I owe it to her blessed soul.

But this suicidal tendency is a reminder to be cautious and to talk it out when the feeling is too strong.

If you or anyone you know is feeling depressed or suicidal, here are some of the helplines available in India. Please call. 
Aasra, Mumbai: 022-27546669
Sneha, Chennai: 044-2464 0050
Lifeline, Kolkata: 033-2474 4704
Sahai, Bangalore: 080–25497777
Roshni, Hyderabad: 040-66202000, 040-66202001

Picture credits: Pexels

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