Understanding Loneliness In Marriage Is Real And Other Lessons That May Help You Find Nirvana In Marriage

Marriage is often a blessing, it comes with its own set of issues. But to find nirvana in your marriage, here are some issues with solutions.

Marriage is an unimaginably ‘hard to manoeuvre’ concept. Whether you choose the person to marry or have an arranged alliance, the challenge remains the same. While it is great to have a family, this blessing comes with its own challenges.

My friends and I catch up whenever we can and we often touch upon some mind-blowing problems that my girlfriends face. Here is an interesting gist of the conversation and solutions, if you ever find yourself in such a situation.

One of my friends grew up in a close-knit family. She found herself away from her friends and family after she got married. The loneliness that followed left her nerves rattled. It came to her as a surprise because nothing had prepared her for the loneliness.

After years of battling with the situation, she decided to ‘get a life.’ She reached out to people, made new friends, joined groups of her interest and soon started enjoying her life.

If you’re getting married, loneliness is the last thing anyone would dream of advising you. But the loneliness is real and it often leads to women suffering from some mental health issues like depression. And if left unmanaged, this may even affect the relationship.

Often, it’s not enough to only have a job and friendly colleagues to ward off the loneliness. You need to have a place where you can reconnect, rejuvenate and feel understood and heard.

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Expecting your partner to fill out all these gaps is a very high expectation to have and is completely unfair too. Take hold of your life, have practical expectations and you’d be happy.

Ideas and people are often different

Opposites attract and thus, they marry. It is important to accept that your partner is a completely different person. Isn’t that the reason you found them interesting in the first place?

Often people get married assuming that their partner is their long-lost soulmate who would share everything with them every day. However, this is untrue.

Another friend of mine found herself at odds because of the differing interests she and her partner had. While she wanted to go hiking, her husband preferred reading a book and staying at home. She tried to adjust and so did he.

This ultimately reached a point where they just couldn’t stand each other anymore. Gradually, they agreed that they could lead completely separate lives while still being in a healthy marriage.

They started pursuing their own interests separately without tugging the other unwilling partner along. As a result, they didn’t just save their relationship from claustrophobia but also found a much more fulfilling life.

My friend now says you can be completely different, spend hours away from each other and do what you love. Despite all this, you can still be very much in love with your partner. Space is important for a relationship to thrive.

Hurt expectations

Every family is different. When a marriage takes place, it is mostly between two individuals who have had a completely different upbringing. It is natural that they expect different things from their partner.

My friend grew up in a family where everyone ate together. This was the quality family time where they all connected with each other over a shared meal that was cooked lovingly.

On the other hand, her husband grew up in a family where both the parents were working. He had his meals either while watching football or just grabbed a quick bite out of the fridge.

Often, my friend missed having a family meal with her partner because he preferred the way he had been eating. After years of hurting quietly and missing the quality mealtime, she decided she would continue her ritual of eating elaborately with candles and a set table.

One fine day, she set her table up with flowers, candles and cutlery and ate her meals the way she was used to. Now, she dreams of imbibing this trait in her children and hopes for a family meal where her husband is also involved.

Until then, she chooses to do what her heart rejoices at, rather than forcing her expectations on her partner who doesn’t like the elaborate dining experience. She once told me, ‘If I can cook a feast, I should also eat like a queen.’

The silver lining here is that she often has friends and family over and enjoys laying out the table. And the best part? Her younger son is particularly delighted at hosting these gatherings.

Conversations

Some people like to talk, while others prefer keeping things to themselves. I have a friend who is a complete extrovert, creative and a warm person. Meanwhile, her partner is a very private person. She often misses having conversations with him because he mostly misses out on conversations because he isn’t interested.

He does open up to a few friends that he’s had for a long time. However, the conversation my friend was looking for has never happened. Often she thought he was annoyed with her expressions and that he would rather play the Xbox.

Though these things hurt, you cannot forever spend your life trying to be heard. Everything else in their lives was perfect – the warmth and love were present. So my friend decided to reconnect with her girlfriends and socialise with like-minded people. This helped her find peace and save herself from the emotional drama.

These conversations over coffee with my girlfriends about trying to make things work helped me realise one thing. It was something my friend had said, ‘In a relationship, it doesn’t have to be my way or the high way.’ Things can be worked upon and something beautiful might just come out from that experience.

Picture credits: Still from Bollywood movie Shubh Mangal Savdhaan

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