A Recent Pregnancy Scare Took Me Down A Black-Hole Of Questions I Did NOT Want To Answer!

I recently had a pregnancy scare that made me realise that choice is just an illusion, in fact, I think it’s just nonsense!

The body and mind have all the answers, those that are known to it and those that aren’t.

I had a pregnancy ‘scare’ this entire week. While I tried to distract myself I was very anxious and felt nauseated all week long from all the stress. I felt like I was being punished for having sex outside marriage.

I spent five days agonising about how to handle it, bouncing back and forth between a number of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

What if I really were pregnant?

What if my parents found out? They would hate me. And they would hate my boyfriend. They would hate themselves too! That is the end of my life and career and I would be some kind of a person with a loose character who lived a carefree life. And that is the most dangerous thing, right? I would be the daughter who betrayed them and didn’t carry their hopes and dreams.

Five days of agonising questions, fears and waiting. At this point in life, I am unemployed, struggling with my career, trying to build something of my own and nurture it.

The pregnancy scare made me pose very painful questions. Questions that I wasn’t willing to answer or seek answers from my partner. For all I know, this wasn’t an emotional chapter for him.

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Is my boyfriend a person I want to have babies with? Was he supportive, calm and communicative during the entire waiting period?

We aren’t married. And we don’t have the social sanction. What were we thinking when we were having sex twice a week? I never felt like marriage has to come before babies. Actually, I don’t even know if I ever want to get married and if I do want to, is this the guy? Did we ever sit down to discuss these things? Are these things important?

What if I didn’t terminate it?

What would this do to our relationship if I decided against abortion and instead keep it? Am I punishing my boyfriend by doing that? Or am I taking away his right to make decisions but we are both equal partners in this, aren’t we? The pregnancy test will reveal the truth and if it turns out to be positive, will I be able to embrace the truth and accept it?

I like kids and I would like to be a mother. In fact, I want to have a few kids of my own someday. Some times, I try to figure out where and when will the children fit in the grand plans I have for my life and I thought maybe this unplanned pregnancy would help make that decision for me! But at this point in life with my boyfriend who may have impregnated me, do I have the freedom to think and deliberate?

Oh yeah! And I found myself in an internet black hole of awful horrifying and some reassuring stories and information on abortion. I found everything I could about the procedure, the anti-choice propaganda, reproductive rights and ‘I get to decide what I want to do with my body.’

Then, I was worried sick. I even took up praying for my periods, for support, for non-judgemental behaviour and for strength.

Why isn’t any of this simple?

My boyfriend is very unsure about every important aspect of his life. About career, money-making prospects and love. He doesn’t know if I am the girl. I think he wants to find out if there’s a better girl out there.

He is unsure and isn’t certain. And he doesn’t want to take up the responsibility of any kind. Most importantly, he does not want to commit. He will resent me, hate me, blame me and will probably run away from me if I decide to keep it.

My parents will lose any respect they have for me and hate themselves for letting me live my life on my own terms. They will never trust me.

As if it were so simple. Choice is an illusion. Just nonsense mostly!

Picture credits: Still from Bollywood movie Kya Kehna

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