Dear Parents, Your Hands Built Me Up, Now Please Don’t Knock Me Down!

A daughter’s desperate plea to the parents that brought her up so lovingly, to not give in to society’s pressure and reduce her to nothing. 

Dear Ma and Pa,

Words do no justice to the kind of efforts you put in to raising me. From being so tender when I was a baby, to being so helpful and patient during my early school days, to being supportive during adolescence, helping me deal with teen issues, teaching me not get bothered by what others think of me and boosting my confidence on days when it was much needed. Helping me navigate my future, introducing me to fields that I wasn’t even aware of, tapping my potential to its best…

And yet, one day you let an unwanted stranger join our family and now, everything has been turned upside down. It was as if your mind has been possessed! All you now cared about was what ‘they’ say and what ‘they’ think. All of a sudden, our family’s happiness was determined by what ‘they’ perceived of us. You know who I am talking about – the Society.

When I was in my late 20’s, like any other girl, marriage was on my mind. Like most parents, you too had begun the son-in-law hunt, but this soon turned into an obsession! But you didn’t even see that! The spark in your eyes reduced with each passing day.

‘Society’, that scourge of all Indian families 

On societal advise you made me join matrimonial sites, something I wasn’t ready for. But as that looked to be the only way to keep you calm, I complied. I displayed myself in the market but that wasn’t enough. Oh no! As I was turning 30 soon, you thought you were failing as parents because you could not yet find me a suitable boy.

Suddenly, my rock had gone shaky! 

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What happened to the parents who taught me to not give up, to live life on my own terms, and that no outsider had the authority to reflect their evil plans on my self esteem? Why did you forget to apply your own teachings? Society saw your weak point and hit you hard right there. I wish like always you could speak for me, I wish you had told them that I do not have a ‘best before’ label, that my chance of finding a true companion was not expiring with each passing day.

I wish you told them that there is no ‘right time’, but a ‘right person’ I am waiting for, and he will show up one day. 

Society has no right to rob you of the pride you had in me! But then, you gave it the right yourself. Society had no right to put an age limit on girls to get married, but unknowingly, parents like you give in. Society has no right to make you feel as parents who failed at parenting. 

When I saw you believing that, I was shattered. Not only did you judge your own parenting, but also pulled me by my crown and this time there was no one to have my back.

My life, my choice

So today, I want to tell you this:

Marriage is a part of life, not the only goal in life. It does not define my life. Staying unmarried is my choice, getting married is my choice and continuing to look for love is also my choice. Like all the other decisions you let me take, let this also be mine. It is depressing to watch you not being able to be my mentor, and falling prey to societal pressure.

My wedding will happen when it is meant to. 

Marriage is a relationship that should be based on love and understanding, not on compromise and discontent. My achievements are real and not some decorative words for my profile on a matrimonial site. I hope you realise that every rejection breaks me bit by bit, and while you are submerged  in your  obsession of getting me married, you are blind to the part you are playing in breaking me.

Love thy children

The phase that is going to bring in some of the biggest moments in my life cannot begin on such a traumatising note, and certainly not at the cost of my parents’ dignity. I request you to help me re-build my self esteem, I request you to not look at me differently.

I request you to not make me feel unwanted.

Being someone’s wife is not going to personify me, so don’t make it sound like it’s the only way my existence can be justified. You have embedded my soul with some priceless teachings and they have made me everything I am today.  Please don’t deconstruct what you have created, because I am exhausted from collecting all the fragmented pieces and putting them together every morning.

Sincerely,
Your daughter

Photo by Qazi Ikram Ul Haq from Pexels

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