As A Queer YA Who Isn’t Out Yet, It’s Been Hard Locked In With My Queerphobic Parents…

I’m locked up at home with my very clearly queerphobic parents who think I’m going to definitely marry a boy they find for me from our caste… I’ll come out when I can support myself.

I opened my Liked Songs playlist on my music app. I smile to myself seeing that the song up top is ‘Pussy is God’. It’s followed by a list of about 10-15 recently discovered queer songs. I realised that I find reassurance in these songs, and that got me thinking about how I went from “LGB whaa…” to “Am an ally only… am deffo straight” to finally “I am queer.”

It’s really great that I get to listen to so many songs that portray queer love in all forms and emotions- happy, sad, lust- everything. But there is of course a flip side to listening to them. With earphones on, not being too ‘gay’ about it, definitely not singing out the lyrics loudly in a brown household.

Coming out to myself

I remember coming out to myself. It was one of those spur of the moment things that just had to happen. The girl I had secretly liked for about two years confessed to me that she liked me too, over text, around midnight. It took me exactly three minutes to comprehend her texts and reply, “I really like you too.” That night I spent reevaluating my entire life, realising how I had always been queer and just scared to admit it.

I still get cringey flashbacks of me and the above-mentioned girl saying things like, “I am straight and I know you are also straight… but if you were not… then who would you date in our class?” “Definitely you!” These make up my sleepless nights sometimes. How oblivious I was to myself…

Almost a year after being out, things have changed drastically. I have a rainbow in my instagram bio and I actively look for rainbows in other people’s bios. More often than not, I have been nothing but disappointed from my bio reading sessions. I have heard and read about the whole gaydar thing but I don’t think it is as effective online. I have been just stumbling onto all the prettiest, straight girls. It is not painful after the first million times.

Quietly queer and closeted in a brown household…

It was only this year, that I realised that Pride Month was a thing.

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Locked up at home with my parents who think I am going to clear my UPSC exam in a maximum of two trials and will definitely marry a boy they find for me from our caste, my pride month was unhappening. I posted one ‘Happy Pride’ story and just watched hundreds gay compilations.

It was then that I came to know about ‘Gay Icon’ as a concept. And WHOOHOO! Never been happier in my life. I was obsessively seeking out people who are out in public and just happy-crying at how happy they are in their life! My brain was literally all over the walls when I found out Kate McKinnon and Kristen Stewart are also part of the community.

Schitt’s Creek happened in my life. Yes, it was ‘just’ a TV series but it was not just that. It meant so much more to me. It meant everything to me. It had a pansexual character, played and created by someone who is actually pansexual. And it had the most positive coming out scene I had ever seen till then. That one episode did wonders to my self-worth. It gave my closeted self a hope that someday, things will be better. It made me not hate myself. The reason I decided to come out online to those who follow me on instagram was because of the show. It made me not feel guilty or ashamed of who I was. And then I was watching specifically those series that had LGBTQIA+ representation. Took a while but found some absolute gems. B99 and Special come at the top of the list, always.

Tiny rebellions until I’m independent

Now I have plans as to when I will come out. After I have cleared the UPSC exam in a maximum of two tries and have a well paying job. Till then I take pride in small rebellious acts.

Having a rainbow sticker on my phone, listening to very gay songs on earphones when am sitting dangerously close to my most definitely homophobic parents, watching very gay TV series or movies in my brown household. Yes, petty but COUNTS!

And that has been my queer journey. I have grown up to the level of saying am queer to myself and not feeling sad about it. I know this ain’t pride month but we need to talk about the community year round, everyday and not just for one month.

So yeah! Fellow queers, how’s your life treating you?

Image source: Tim Samuel from Pexels

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