How She Finally Walked Away from her Toxic Mother…

As a psychologist, I came across this woman who took a step away from her toxic mother, but then began feeling guilty & unsure!    

This client of mine began oscillating between sadness and confusion, assuming her identity would be that of an orphan.

Leaving an unhealthy relationship is not easy! She had taken a step back from her toxic mother and was now struggling to place that foot elsewhere.

Me: These are withdrawal symptoms from the toxicity. Because of continual gas-lighting and constant comparison, you are exhausted. On the contrary, your need to be validated by your mother and be always acknowledged by her has made you emotionally drained.

Getting in a relationship with a narcissist is a slow procedure that one is oblivious to, but getting out is tedious!

She: I am so confused. I know she didn’t love me, but I also find it difficult to leave.

Me: This is the emotional attachment known as ‘trauma bonding’. This emotion is slowly developed out of a repeated cycle of abuse, rejection, devaluation and positive reinforcement.

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The trauma of the abuse you experience might create a strong feeling that you can’t make sense of, confusing you. Especially when its alternating between abuse and perceived kindness. It is only natural to think that your mother loves you despite all the abuse and toxicity.

Guilt of freedom! Am I abandoning my toxic mother?

She: I am guilty. Am I doing the right thing?

Me: You are detaching from the toxicity to reinstate your mental balance. You are not abandoning your mother; you are only deciding how much toxicity you will allow in your life– some or none.

You are so used to being part of the toxicity, you feel you belong there, its your comfort zone. That’s your familiar abode. Now you are afraid to be free from that bond.

She: You mean like the bonded donkey?

(She comprehended her situation using an analogy to show her understanding. The conversation was going in the right direction.)

Me: Yes, like the ‘bonded donkey’. You have experienced severe childhood trauma. We need to take care of that for you first. It takes an average person seven times to leave an abusive/toxic relationship. You never know when in those seven times your nine lives would be gone.

The toxic person will come back to seduce you, through love-bombing. Her purpose is to discard you again, because everything should go on her terms. How dare you leave her? It’s her prerogative to leave you. She will come in calm to claim you, WALK AWAY.

Once the person (the victim/survivor of toxicity) is out of the vicinity of toxicity, she is clouded by confusion and is looking out for validation that her decision was right.

She: Does that mean I have to be scared?

Me: I am only forewarning you of the repercussion of leaving a narcissist. You see your world empty now. You will choose who will be in your world from here on, as you are in charge. Henceforth ‘your circus, your monkeys’.

While leaving toxic people, you should not just leave; you should stay away. Our brains are good at retaining all the good things alone, and blocking out all the bad after a break up or divorce. Leaving a narcissist is the same.

No one in the family understands that I am the victim of a toxic mother. They will believe her not me!

She: I will lose all my relatives one by one. Nobody understands that I am victim of a toxic mother. They will believe my mother and that I left her when I became independent. Further they will say she is old and needs to be taken care of so I should bring her to my home.

Me: We as a society glorify parenthood. We like to preserve the sanctity of the parenting culture that we are so famous for the world over. ‘Heaven is under the feet of our mother’ is what our society stands for.  Therefore, mother is never wrong, she is a divine person who ONLY does the best for us is the average thought. Living under this guise you have suffered childhood trauma that was unaddressed and unhealed. You lived like a broken adult and eventually became dysfunctional in other relationships.  Concentrate on healing yourself. The rest can wait.

The tale of the ‘Bonded Donkey’

One day, the potter forgot to take the rope with which he tied the donkey everyday. A saint, who happened to be passing by, told him, “Take the donkey to the place where you tie him every day. Pretend to tie him using an imaginary rope.”

The potter did what the saint had said. He left the donkey and went to take a nap. When he woke up, to his surprise and relief, he found the donkey standing in the same place. Soon the potter prepared to leave for home. But the donkey did not move. “What is wrong with this donkey!” exclaimed the potter in frustration. He ran up to the saint. The saint said, “Go and pretend to untie the rope with which you had tied the donkey.” The potter followed the instructions.

Now the donkey was ready to leave for home. The potter finally understood that the donkey was a Bonded Donkey.

Image source: YouTube

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