I Don’t Get Jealous, But After Meeting This Woman, I Felt Anger & Envy…

I had a severe headache that day. Those who suffer from headaches know that it’s very nasty. It’s not a good place to be in. I was sad and angry…why does it happen to me whenever there is a little extra physical exertion for me?

It had started because I did some extra aerobics the day before. I wanted to avoid taking medicine so waited the whole day for it to subside. I tried all the home solutions I found on YouTube/the internet. None of them worked, so at last in the evening before going to a party, I took a pain killer.

As the party started all the women sat together and started the usual chit-chat. I was one of the few oldest ones there. Of course, I had been to such gatherings before, and I am quite aware that I am aging and getting old. However, that night I was sitting next to a very young woman. She was eight years my junior. I had met her before and found her to be a very pleasant person. However, I did not know that she was working as an engineer in an MNC. I asked her salary (despite knowing that asking such a thing is not appropriate). It was far more than I had ever earned.

During our way back home, I had a heated argument with my husband over the futility of these stupid parties and how I hated going to them. I scolded my child who was trying to show me some street-lights from the car window…he found beautiful, in the distance. I was constantly nagging and judging everyone who came to the party. I was trying my best to find shortcomings in them.

We were back home at almost 11:00 pm. Usually, I go to bed at 10:00 pm, but that night I was so agitated that I made myself a cup of coffee to avoid falling asleep and started internet surfing and watching YouTube videos just to distract myself. After doing this for two hours, I had to keep the mobile down as there was nothing more to watch for me. I was just distracted for two hours; I wasn’t feeling any better. Instead, I was feeling emptier now.

I decided to sleep. Sleep eluded me as there was something at the back of my mind which was bugging me constantly. So just to stop that voice I took my journal, and just for the heck of it, decided to fill it before going to bed. Let me tell you what this journal was.

A few weeks back I had started the practice of keeping a daily journal where I take note of everything I eat/drink during the day, all the exercises I do, and the last section is to write ten things I am grateful for. I had been following it religiously ever since. Reluctantly, I opened it and took my pen, I was so unhappy that I did not even want to think something positive let alone write it. Nonetheless, I did not want to leave that day’s page blank (I had dated all the pages beforehand) and thought of scribbling something so that the habit is not broken.

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Reluctantly I started writing, ‘I am happy because I do not have a headache right now.’ Suddenly, I realized the agonizing feeling that I had a few days back. Despite myself, I felt a little grateful. Then I wrote, ‘I am happy because I made myself a nice cup of coffee.’ Suddenly, I realized that the coffee had been indeed tasty. I had not noticed its taste while having it. I just had it mindlessly and ungratefully. I felt grateful now for that cup of coffee I had hours before and failed to acknowledge that time.

It was half-past midnight; I could feel some light rays entering the dark recesses of my mind. I felt lighter.

Then I wrote all sorts of things I was grateful for. Small and big things, important and unimportant things, things I had stopped noticing, and things I was taking for granted. Usually, I write 5-10 things, but that night I filled almost one entire page.

I took a deep breath once I finished the list and went to bed. Within ten minutes I fell asleep with a nice smile on my face. It was, after all, not that difficult to be happy.

Image source: Still from English Vinglish

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