When Sir Matters But Not M’am: Empowered, Yet Invisible

Why is ‘Sir’ always deferentially acknowledged, while ‘Madam’ stays invisible? Why are women ignored by most service providers?

“Good morning, Sir” (with a standing salute). My building watchman, who is auto programmed to greet my husband every morning before our walk. A walk to the public park, where he is thereafter greeted by two other security guards in the same manner. After completing our walk and upon our return, once again, he receives the goodbye pleasantries.

To me, this was the usual, and honestly, I never really paid much attention to understanding, if there was anything wrong in this, until one day, I began seeing a pattern in this behaviour. But, I wanted to be as objective as possible before making this an issue and so I decided to test this theory after all.

I looked at him straight in the eye and smiled (albeit through my mask), but the crinkles in the corners of my eye were a sure giveaway of pleasantries. Imagine my surprise though, to receive no smile, no nod, no good morning ‘Madam’, nothing. He saw me, turned his face as if he had seen a ghost (clearly that’s how invisible I must have been to him) and went about reading the building visitor logbook.

A little embarrassed now, but not inferring much from this lack of acknowledgement, I took my usual route, stepped into the park and saw the usual gatekeepers at the threshold, the ever-ready-to-greet security guards, who very quickly looked and just as quickly, unlooked, to go back into their tobacco chewing routine spiced with the morning news titbits.

An experiment in women’s visibility

This now, for me, was interesting, a social observation that I consciously indulged in no matter where I was. It became even clearer to me one day when my parents visited me from Pune. My father, who the dutiful watchman had never even seen before, once again, gets a standing acknowledgement of his presence (all this while I’m lugging their suitcases into the elevator). My mother, totally unaware of this ignorance, doesn’t even think something is wrong. She was auto programmed to accept not being seen after all, just like I was too.

I extended this experiment further and shared the burden of my thoughts with my better half, who willingly joined me in this observation exercise. It was my way of ensuring that I wasn’t biased or overthinking this. For all you know, this could all just be in my head and not necessarily a feminist issue at all.

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From then on, everywhere we went, the waiter at the restaurant, the concierge reception at a five-star hotel, the bank personnel, and many other places with services staff, I would hear the word sir with multiple prefixes and suffixes. Good morning ‘Sir’, hello ‘Sir’, how are you ‘Sir’, ‘Sir’ how was your stay with us, etc., and all the while, the ‘Madam’ is standing right beside the ‘Sir’, unaddressed, almost non-existent to the eye or mind of the person who addresses. And what’s more, this time my husband heard it too, loud and clear, his acknowledgement and my invisibility.

A few years ago, my husband and I had decided to buy a second home and I was the primary owner of it. Given there was a lot of documentation and signing required, we had a meeting with bank personnel (a reputed International bank) to sort out the formalities. 

As soon as we stepped in together, the bank executive walks out with a file folder in his hands, looks at both of us, and proceeds to say, “Good afternoon Sir, congratulations on buying the house, your signatures are needed here, here and here” (with ‘x’ marking the spots on the form). As usual, I ignored being ignored.

What happened next though, truly surprised me. My husband very calmly responds to this executive. “Actually, it’s a good afternoon, Madam, she is the primary owner. You should talk to her, not just me.” 

And suddenly, I went from being a shadow to the spotlight shining right over me. The executive, now fumbling to have probably never come across such an act of respect, says, “uh ok sorry sir, madam, uh, please come in.” I think he felt the rug being pulled off very quickly beneath him.

Equality in being acknowledged…

Ever since that day, five years ago, every opportunity that came our way, my better half would ensure that his better half is also acknowledged and seen as a person. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I was seeking validation from my watchman or trying to command respect by hearing the word ‘Madam’. It just seemed to me that equality in being acknowledged for your presence must be a human thing and not a gender one.

In a society, where men are born into most of these default privileges, we often tend to ignore subtle signs of discrimination and not being included. Many women like us, just let it go and move on.

But in the larger context of things, respect and acknowledgement should be ingrained regardless of the gender one belongs to, and if we don’t consciously act now, these defaults will continue. In my case, my better half decided to take notice, step in and change this dynamic. And that’s how it starts.

Image source: A still from Eela

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