Unfortunately I Feel Both Love AND Hate For My Abusive, Alcoholic Father…

The piece talks about the psychological abuse my sister, mother, and I faced due to my father. He was an alcoholic and consequently suffered from bipolar disorder after rehab.

Despite the trauma that we had to bear in our childhood, we are still forced to live under the same roof as him.

My piece talks about my relationship with him- the pity and guilt due to his actions. It also talks about my struggle with blaming myself for his condition.

You inflicted wounds destined not to heal
and red eyes which bear witness
to the tears you have shed, and so have I
There will always be wrath in my mercy
For you stole my words, left me tongue-tied.

I gave you light, gave you warmth
With which you lit your ‘beedis,’
and burnt your bridges down.

You felt sorry for yourself,
drowned in your woes
I held out my hand,
but you pulled me into the shadows.

You smeared your face with ash
I rushed and wiped the mirror,
You made me an accomplice in your crimes
Can I still be in the clear?

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I see the signal searchlight strike me
I stand where the wind blows
As it whispers to me, the daylight draws close
I see silhouettes against the drapes
Hear lullabies through the walls.

I’m sorry sister,
Sorry you took my fall
You drunk poison like nectar
An upturned abyss was your sky.

Father, please take your pills
I will see you on the other side
There we shall be, like old enemies.

There we shall be, like the salt and the sea
Will you spare my blood for now?
Will you spare my blood, I plead
For now a few moments,
I am finally free.

Image credits: shutterstock

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