But Needing Alone Time As An Introvert Is Not Allowed For An Indian Girl…

I think at some point of time every introvert has gone through something similar… to what I have.

Let me begin my story.

Being born in a middle-class family and that too a second girl child

but still they accept it as a fate of life.

Same is the case with me.

Although I can consider myself lucky enough

that they provided me with best education and lifestyle that they could.

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But as I say, I’m an INTROVERT, that too an emotional one…

From the time I remember

I have always been a free bird,

or can I say that I

have become so since I have a younger brother in my family.

As far as I remember, I have

done every bit of everything myself

because of my being introverted… or maybe I had no choice:

from going to school at the age of 4 alone

to riding my first bicycle without any help

and much more till now.

But deep inside

I always long for something that I can’t express.

I know my parents’ financial condition so I always said

that I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, or need new clothes

as I wanted to help them in some or the other way without telling them

and I always used to succeed.

Days passed

and growing up an independent woman,

who smiled and laughed as I heard

or read somewhere before that people will not judge you as an introvert

if you smile always…

and it actually works.

But I always felt there should be someone from my family

with whom I can share anything

without any hesitation

and frankly speaking I want the same from my mother and sister.

But mon never had time for me, and my elder sister is

always into herself.

So in many ways I become her elder one…

but as every child need a shelter somewhere, I went to my father.

I started helping him

in his daily chores.

I became a bit close to him

but deep inside still

I keep my aspirations, my wishes into myself.

Keeping it short, the thing I can’t cope up with is MARRIAGE!

It all started when

I entered the “age for getting married”

and my parents put my profile on matrimonial sites.

Thank you COVID, there weren’t many “good” matches,

but I was happy…

because I seriously don’t want to get married.

There’s a fear I don’t understand

and to add to this –

the one marriage that happened in my family

scared me

blocked “marriage” from my mind.

I had to, I know

the family had decided

but no one asked me how I feel…

But I guess no one ever has time for me

or can I say – no one understands me?

Being an introvert, I can’t express my feelings too…

and I went through an anxiety attack

difficult for our parent’s generation to understand.

Because in their generation, shaadi is non-negotiable

whether you are prepared for it or not

you have to

it’s the only thing this society wants…

And that too for a girl? It is the necessity.

Earlier they were changing… as per their children’s needs

at some point even standing up against with others for their irrational views

but now, well, I wish we had never come to this place.

I know they won’t understand ever

what I went through, the pressure I felt

that led me to take such a drastic step

that also hurt a kind soul who was ready to help me.

These things take time to recover,

and as always I need some alone time

to figure out my life.

I wonder… if I had taken this step few months ago

would the situation have been different?

Maybe I might be marrying that kind person

with happiness.

Right now, my life is drenched in feelings I can’t express

but I “must listen to everyone”

including the ones whose every word just break my heart,

the reason I write this whole story

today.

I know it’s difficult

but I don’t want to take any decision in such state of mind.

Feeling extremely sad today.

Image source: MAA – Short Film/Ondraga Originals, YouTube

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