40y.o Ranbir Says He’s ‘Very Dependent On’ Wife Alia… What Makes Indian Men Such Manbabies?

Is your romantic relationship built between two adults, and not between one full adult and a half adult?

There was a byte from Ranbir Kapoor recently that he doesn’t even bathe or eat if he doesn’t know where wife Alia Bhatt is: “Very dependent on her.”

While he might have said it in jest or to showcase to the world how he loves his new wife, in the world of social media this kind of statement can definitely become the new ‘couple goals’.

After all, she married a 40-year-old man who surely can fend for himself?

Some three decades back, my then newly-married friend rushed home from an impromptu get-together stating that, “my husband eats only if I serve.”  My snarky, “what was he doing all of twenty-eight years?” ensured frostiness in our friendship after this, not to speak about sounding like a douchebag.

This is NOT ‘romantic’

Being in our twenties, we too were agog with the notion of romance. Growing up on a steady diet of romantic movies in the late 70s and 80s, we too had planned to iron the shirts of our husband, serve him food… for we had learnt the adage both by words and actions, “the only way to the man’s heart is through his stomach.”

As impressionable young women, we were always told that our role as women meant that “we were there for the family.”  Career was considered only as a fall-back, “in case.”

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It only took me a few years into my own marriage to realize the fallacy behind such expectations. True love doesn’t make anyone dependent on you… though everywhere around me I saw evidence to the contrary!

Women, everywhere, pamper men who were supposed to be adults

In my years of ‘adulting,’ I have seen a variety of roles played by the women in any family. Serving food first for the men-folk was the least of them all.

I have noticed a couple of men who would just step over the lungi that they had discarded on the floor, and the significant other would pick it up to put it for wash.

Or the men would wash their hands in the plate that they had eaten in, and the women would pick it up after.

There are wives who refuse to be around to help even their own parents, because their “husband will not be comfortable if they are not by their side at night”!

Fortunately, I was spared all of this…

Over time my husband and I have realized that if you really care for the significant other, you do not send them on frequent guilt-trips by asking them to be by your side at all times.

You don’t make them responsible for your physical and mental up-keep. You help make them independent – be it shopping for grocery, cooking, finances, or the upkeep of the house. It means egging the other person on to be a better version of themselves, and also display in both words and by actions, that we are together in this as two adults.

Mothering our men is unnecessary, unpaid labour!

This is what we as women do wrong – accommodate dependent husbands, and later, dependent children.

It is indeed lamentable that men continue to sit in the car while the lady goes to do shopping for household goods. Many youngsters grow to be adults without knowing the prices of essential commodities. Cooking, loading of washing machine or cleaning of utensils are all necessary life skills.

Unfortunately, I have come to realize that even in a family which is ostensibly open-minded, it is solely the woman’s role to cook and serve.

But then the question arises – are women also happy mothering their husbands? So many women share among their peers, that “I have two young children and one big one!” Don’t most of them say it with a decided note of pride in their voice?

Is it not then time to ask yourself some harsh questions?

~ Are you constantly looking for this person to make you feel special?

~ Have you made your partner responsible for your happiness, self-worth, and safety?

~ Do you have a set of expectations for you to feel loved and safe?

~ Do you feel empty and alone unless you feel useful?

~ Are you terribly possessive of your space- be it kitchen, your culinary expertise?

~ Are you adaptable enough to let go?

~ Do you have a life beyond your family?

Couples often wait to eat in the company of one another, or share a bathtub to increase intimacy. But to expect the other person to rush back from say, work that may go on till late, an incomplete project, time-out with friends, or to want to be a chauffeur to the other person so that they are totally dependent on you, is so wrong at so many levels.

A few months back there was a young man who said that his mother loved to feed all of them before eating herself. It could be very much possible. I am not prescribing a life of so much independence that it ceases to be a family.

But the fact remains that you and your significant other are supposed to be building a family as two adults, not as one and a half adult.

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