What Is An Ideal Relationship: I Care More To Be Loved

It is one year since I first got introduced to the person I’m married to, which made me nostalgic and thought I’ll share the lesson I learnt and mistakes I did, so women out there entering a relationship phase in their lives can have a heads-up.

I was about 23 when I moved from my home first time with my dream job, fully excited. From there till 29, the six years, my professional life had gone great, I made amazing friends and travelled a lot, read a lot, explored and developed as a person.

But my relationship front has been a roller coaster ride.

In the early stages, hesitation shaped my experiences

In the beginning phase, I have even lost the person whom I loved and who understood me better than anyone, because of this hesitation and lack of experience as to how to handle these things.

Contrary to that, there was a time when I went out of way desperately to make a person like me because I thought he would be compatible for me, though he did not show much interest. Once I even agreed to a proposal, against my strong instinct not to, to just get the pressure of getting into a relationship off my mind.

As expected, it turned out to be a toxic relationship. By the time I figured that out, already it was nearing marriage talks.

Thankfully, I got the courage to break it off after going through a lot psychologically.   I was completely stuck up after all this experiences.  I did not know how to proceed next. Furthermore, I was afraid to try again.

Never miss real stories from India's women.

Register Now

Soon in came alliance offers from relatives

Meanwhile, I got alliances from distant relatives. Having strong ideologies, mentioning the word feminist now and then, wanting to be independent, no dowry etc. do not go well in the marriage market.

Generally after one meet alone with the prospective groom, mostly they never turn up again, be it the one I found in matrimony websites or the one relatives brought.

The funny thing is, in the majority of the cases, all the talk about equality, men put in their matrimony profile is mostly for getting attention and may be for acting so benevolently when they feel like. But when actually women demand the exact thing, it put them off strongly.

After all this, I decided feminist and introvert is double whammy for a marriage.

The odds of me finding a partner is almost nil. So I gave up. I decided to stop all this nonsense and planned ahead for being single to the extent of researching the feasibility of adoption for single mothers.

But anxiety crawled in

But over time I became anxious over the decision. Though I’m always happy and comfortable whenever I’m alone, I’m not sure if I can, it pull it off eternally.

By the time all this happened, covid pandemic came. Just before the day of the first lockdown, I moved into a new city for work. So I got locked up there for three months with no one to meet or talk to and not much work also.

Through this time, with a lot of self-reflecting, I realized how I was unnecessarily complicating things.

There is nothing I have to decide about immediately. I figured out the things that are important to me as a person.  There is no point living compromising those, meanwhile there is no need to shun out everything because the probability of success is less.

All I have to do is enjoy the life as it is and keep an open mind to explore the opportunities as and when it arises.

From that time, for about a year, life has been blissful

Alliances kept coming, but that did not put any pressure on me as it used to before. I took it sportively. One fine day I saw a matrimony ad reflecting the exact words in my mind. When I approached, I found that he is not putting it for attention but really meant it.

From the first day of our talk, we figured that it will go somewhere. In fact, he decided immediately. But I took my time. We talked about everything from finance, career, children, ideologies, hobbies, food habits, beliefs, pet everything.

When we were sure, we went ahead and got married. I was elated and could not believe there is a possibility of a person checking off all the boxes in my checklist. I took this much time to write this article because I was waiting to see if anything goes off. But no. Things have got only better over time.

He is everything I ever wanted. Rational, patient, fair and respects equality in its true sense not only to me but in general which is the best part. People generally advise marriage is all about compromise.

But since the time I met him I had never faced any situation where I had to compromise, even small things, to keep the so called ”marriage institution” running.

Misunderstandings are lot more common than we think

Sure, there are some misunderstandings occasionally. Neither of us are perfect. Everyone has their flaws, and it is bound to create confusion. Even after taking this much time before deciding, some versions of us come out after marriage. We both had such revelations after marriage.

But as long as our core is not disturbed and in fact if the relationship aids in you becoming a better version of you, without demanding or forcing, such changes are most welcome.

I’m actually enjoying the change, and hopefully he is also. More than the initial excitement of the relationship, when I think about this one year, I’m more glad for the stability, comfort, trust and companionship I got.

The point I’m trying to make is that there are many such hidden gems, here and there.

In the movie adaption of the novel Little Women, by Greta Gerwig, initially Jo denies Laurie’s proposal as she does not see herself doing the societal wife role. But towards the end of the movie, she says to her mother, “I care more to be loved,” and would be accepting Laurie if he asks again.

Many of us are doing the same. In the movie it is Laurie, for us, it may be another person, but the criteria are the same. After being worn out by the pressure society creates and which we multiply in our mind, we reach a point where we just cared to be loved.

Compromise is not the key to happiness

But ironically, that’s the very same love we lose by being in an unhappy relationship. Thankfully, Jo is saved because Laurie married Amy. In real life we start living with those Lauries fooling ourselves that compromise is the key.

Thinking back, though I’m finally glad that I ended up with the right person, I wish I had been more relaxed through the process. So people, who are looking for a partner, don’t let the pressure overcome your requirement. Be open, explore with positivity, take as much time as you want and never settle for anything less.

We deserve only the best, and we demand and get it— whenever that may be.

Image source: Shylendrahoode via Getty Images, free on CanvaPro

Comments