You Cannot Be Healed By The Person Who Destroyed You!

Healing. It is a foreign concept in Indian households. The fact that people need to heal from trauma, emotional abuse or anything of that sort, is looked down upon as a weakness.

I wonder where this mind-set came from, given that humans are emotional sensitive creatures that need so much of care, both emotionally mentally and physically.

Human beings need the time to heal

When my father passed away, it took me a whole year to accept that he did. Move on, my well-wishers told me. But how do you move on when you lose something that is a deep part of who you are? You cannot move on. You can just numb the pain. But you know what, if you give yourself time to heal, the pain does becomes a healthy part of your healing process.

But know what? The body requires at least six months to a year to heal completely from the stresses that it undergoes during the whole process of conceiving and having a child. The added stresses of breast feeding and hormonal changes go unnoticed. The women who take the time to rest often are replaced with ones who do not have the cares of motherhood. Sometimes I wonder if the world is rigged against womankind.

Abuse can wound deeply and for ever!

Talking about emotional abuse, this concept is non-existent as a serious threat in many households. Emotional abuse can come from anyone. Starting from a friend to a family.

Don’t we all know someone who is always made fun of for something or the other?  If that person tries to complain we add more emotional burden to them saying that they are emotionally weak. Emotional abuse can also come from a family member who is always nagging you or belittling you for some thing or the other. I always say, if you talk rudely to a flower every day, it will wither. Just imagine, how much a human has to face every day when he/she is exposed to an emotionally abusive family member, colleague or friends on a daily basis?

The other day, while talking to a friend, who was conversationally telling me of how much adjustments she has had to make after marriage. I was of course flabbergasted and was wondering how she put up with so much.

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I asked her as a matter of fact, why did you not do something about it? She told me very calmly, ‘because I knew if I went back home, I would be sent back here again.’ Frankly, I don’t know how to react to such a heart breaking sentence.

Talking about emotional abuse, well, first a person does not know that they are going through it until it’s too late. Because we live in a society where it’s normal for some people to lose their temper, to blame, to find faults, and it’s deemed mature to take all the shit in quietly.

Why do ‘solutions’ not fit the ‘problem’?

While thinking on these lines and going through an Instagram feed, I came across a video that nudged me to actually write this article. In that video there are two women talking, one advising the other.

She said, ‘Why would you go back to a person, who has the power to destroy you emotionally and has already done that, to heal yourself?’

Does it ring a bell anywhere to anyone reading this?

When marriages do not work, people advise to have another child.

If a family member is nagging, you are advised to please him or her to keep peace. But it is not your responsibility as the quote goes, ‘to walk around on eggshells around a person who has his/her own triggers’. It’s like going back to a person, who even if you won over the whole world would say that ‘You have just won over the world not the galaxy yet.’

Why do we just accept all this?

Frankly why do we go back to people over and over again who have emotionally destroyed us, to heal. In the name of love, relationship, family? We need to save ourselves from them. Because you know they will hurt you.

Have you ever felt your body stiffening around someone who has constantly belittled and emotionally abused you?  It’s the body’s way of protecting itself from the abuser, the stress. But we think, we rationalize and in that attempt to be wise we ignore what is directly in front of us, and take on abuse in the name of love, sacrifice etc.

They won’t heal you. Your distance from them would heal you.

And then you wonder why you are not happy.

Remove yourself from people, places and situation where people do not value you. Sometimes I wish there were some place where a woman can go to restart her life if ever she is in a dilemma. For example, my friend had nowhere to go and so she is doing what she can. But imagine if we had a proper system of support for women who need to restart their lives? How great would that be?

Can you do anything about it if you have the capacity and the resources?

Think about it.

Image source: a still from the film Thappad

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