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I know a lot of people would agree with me that regardless of our ages, all we really want is intimacy, and not just sexual intimacy.
I’m a romantic at heart. I used to love Valentine’s Day. I loved everything about it, and part of me, even now doesn’t care about the commercialisation of it, because I love the idea behind it.
I love the fact that once a year, partners can take their significant other out and spoil each other, with roses, chocolates, dinner, songs, sexy massages or whatever each other fancies.
Unfortunately, for a romantic like me, who married the most unromantic person in the world, Valentine’s Day was never a reality. Don’t get me wrong, he was the horniest man that ever walked the face of the Earth, who believed that my body was his, especially on Valentines’ Day, but there was zero love attached to it.
That marred experience has only recently let me start falling back in love with Valentine’s Day.
When I split from him in 2016, I figured that I’d finally enjoy a Valentine’s Day where I’d feel loved and walk around holding hands with my special man showing him off to everyone I met.
It’s going to be Valentine’s Day 2023, and that dream has not been realised, yet.
I know there are several people out there who believe that no one should feel like they need a partner to feel complete or empowered. There are people who think that only a desperate woman craves a romantic partner. Maybe they’re all right in their own regard, but here’s the thing people don’t realise, when you’re a single mum to 2 growing children and are meeting everyone’s needs all the time, your own well tends to run dry quite quickly.
Yes, I have an extremely successful career that I’m very fortunate to have, I do have the best children, I have an amazing house, a good car, awesome friends and family and I’m very grateful for every one of these blessings.
But occasionally when I enter an empty home and collapse into my couch, I do miss having my own special someone whom I can talk to about my deepest apprehensions, fears, insecurities, and the doubts I have being a mum, a mother or even if I am a good human being.
I miss having someone whose arms I can sink into and just hear them say that they’re here for me, someone whom I can depend on.
This all surpasses Valentine’s Day, it’s more than just that one day.
Only a few friends know this part of my life that I’m stuck with, some of them think that I’m looking for sexual gratification because I’ve been away from sex since 2015, and it’s sad because that’s not what this is about.
I know a lot of people would agree with me, regardless of our ages, all we really want is intimacy, and not just sexual intimacy. Sure, sexual intimacy is absolutely fantastic as well. Who doesn’t want to have someone so attracted to us that our mere touch turns them on? Who doesn’t want to be the only person they have eyes, and other body parts for as well?
What I’m talking about here transcends physical intimacy, it is almost a spiritual connection with your partner. I’m talking about finding the partner who we can trust enough to be our true selves with and have no fear of being judged, because they’re crazy about your craziness and all your weird quirks because they know that’s what makes you… you. Someone whom we don’t need to walk on eggshells around.
We just want to feel loved; we want someone to understand that we might be going through some stuff and need to be loved a certain way, and we want to be that person for our partners too.
We want our partners to know that even if we’re acting bratty, it’s not because we want to hurt them, but because we need to be loved slightly differently in that moment.
I turn 39 this year and I’ve been thrown right into the middle of the dating scene over the last few months and each time, I get my hopes up, hoping that this would be it…but it hasn’t happened yet.
Finding the right partner, especially with kids has been the hardest thing for me, because part of me doesn’t want to hurt my children or my future partner because I struggle with feelings of inadequacies and that I might not be good enough, so I might have pushed away some good men.
On the other hand, the nature of dating strangers, unsure of their motives or their proclivities is scary and that has left me scared of being in a relationship, though I want to be in one.
I do fear that I might get a worse monster than the one I left.
These relationships haven’t worked out for a multitude of reasons, but deep down I feel like maybe I’m sabotaging my own chances because I live in the fear of the unknown.
Love is a scary thing; it causes us to be more vulnerable than we’d like. It makes us lose control, and if you’re a control freak like me, that can scare you more.
I struggle with letting a man into the deep dark passages of my mind for fear of judgement and ridicule. I struggle with letting a man even hold me because I wonder why would he want to?
There was a part of me that hoped that finding someone to love would be easier than this, but my search for true love has left me exposed and opened my eyes to my own nature, and that has been scarier than anything else. I wasn’t ready to see myself the way I was being forced to.
I worry if I might end up settling for the wrong man for fear of being alone and getting older.
Funnily, I’ve wondered if I am ready for a relationship, while at the same time arguing with myself that I am ready and want one.
So, yes, as heart-breaking as it is, Valentine’s Day this year will be a #Solentine for me again.
Editor’s Note: It’s the season of love, and especially romantic love. But what if you are not in a romantic relationship right now? We asked our readers to send in their #HappySolentine stories.
Cheryl Christopher is a mum, a working professional and a writer by passion. She was featured in a published anthology by Scholastic India, published a book in 2019 and writes for several online writing communities. read more...
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