My happy grieving journey

Happy grieving? Sounds ironic? – Well, here are a few words of wisdom for anyone out there battling with grief.

During the winter of 2021, my mother was diagnosed with Haemophagocytic Lymphohistiocytosis (HLH), an extremely rare and cruel autoimmune condition. What started as a simple fever, escalated to multiple organ failure within 7 days. She did have a mild history of rheumatic flare-ups, but never did I think it would come to this extent. Despite every effort taken by the medical experts, the outcome did not go in our favour.  

Coming from a traditional orthodox Hindu family, alongside influence from all extended family members, my father had no choice, but to proceed with the usual format of religious rituals to pay respect to my mother. My brother (aged 17) and I (aged 29) at that time, were forced to participate in a set of rituals conducted by a priest, who explained to us that “our mother’s soul had departed and gone to join the rest of the ancestors of our family.” That day, nobody in that room thought for a second, to prioritise the mental health of two innocent children over tradition and custom. Is God really the solution to all the problems in our lives? My brother and I did not want to participate in those rituals. We strongly vocalised against it, but nobody listened. We did not want an unknown stranger telling us that our mother had left us to go and live in another world. Who is he to our family? What does he know about our mother? Let’s look at this from my mother’s perspective. Would she choose for her soul to be with us, or with ancestors who she has never met in her life before? I think the answer to that question is quite obvious. 

To a much greater degree than my grief itself, what was shredding me to pieces was society’s perception of grief. During the early days of my grief, many people said to me “May God give you strength” but in fact, it did not help me at all. It only intensified my anger and pain. I felt like the world was forcing me to do something I didn’t want to, i.e., move on from my mother. I broke down everytime someone said “I am so sorry for your loss.” Why do we have to use the term “passed away?” Is it really a necessity? Can we not describe tragedies in our life in a more dignified manner? In my dictionary, there is no such thing as “passing away” and certainly, no such thing as “loss.” Yes, the outcome hurt. Yes, the sudden shock was difficult to overcome but never, did I once think I had lost my mother. None of my extended family members want to talk about my mother anymore, including my own grandparents who feel so hesitant to say their own daughter’s name. However, my adamancy is unbeatable. Whenever someone asks me, “So, how are you, your dad and brother?”, I reply saying, “yes, me, MY MUM, my dad and my brother, all four of us are doing great, thank you.” I will constantly keep reminding society that there are still four members in my family. The way I express my grief is – “I have GAINED my mother’s soul, strength and wisdom.” To this date, I have never referred to my mother in the past tense. I do not use phrases like “she was” and “she would be.” It’s always, “SHE IS.” For me, it was all about MOVING FORWARD with my mother. Just because her physical presence is not there anymore, does not mean her spiritual presence has also vanished. 

After taking a month off to reset my brain, I returned to work, cheerful than ever before. Every day, I wear my mother’s clothes. She’s a working woman, so I even wear her lanyard along with mine. Wherever I go, I feel her soul accompanying me. I have gone from strength to strength. We work together as a team. My concentration, focus and determination has doubled. I have been able to achieve beyond my normal capacity. In fact, it was during my grieving period, I got my first promotion as senior scientist. Similarly, my brother achieved an A* in every single subject at the end of his high school and today, studying as a medical student at one of the best universities in the country, making my mother incredibly proud.

This is what I would say to anyone out there struggling to overcome grief. You do not have to go with the majority. Do not get absorbed into the optical illusion that society has constructed. There is no right or wrong. Instead of listening to what society has to say, listen to your loved one. How would they want you to react to the situation? Would they be happy seeing you crumble? Spirituality comes in many shapes and forms and it need not be through religious activities and indulging in cultural practices. For me, it’s my mother’s eternal love that keeps me happy and energised every single day. The way I pay respect to her is not through prayers, but leading a life that is in line with everything she has taught me over the last 30 years and still continues to. That’s what will make her truly happy. 

The best asset I have in life is not my property or wealth. It’s the qualities I’ve acquired from my inspirational mother who has taught me to always look on the bright side of life. As a matter of fact, none of us are permanent occupants on this planet. From a very young age, my mother has instilled in me that life is not about quantity, but quality. She always says, it does not matter how many years we live. What matters is, in any given time span, how many good things can we achieve and how can we spread positivity to help others. My mother is not just my parent but also my life coach. She always teaches me to take ownership of my happiness and inner peace. More importantly, to BE A LEADER and not a follower. 

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