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I was 23 when I approached my final university degree. There I was in my first year PhD, in my dirty lab coat working long hours, sometimes even past midnight doing experiments. It was that time I realised I needed a positive distraction in my life. Someone to share my life with and eventually to settle down.
I always wanted to marry someone from a similar background simply because I wanted to stick to my comfort zone. Speaking the same language was particularly important for me. I had no idea where to begin. So, I created myself a profile on a few matrimony websites with the hope of meeting the right person. That was what most girls from my community did as a starting point. As soon as I started viewing profiles, I instantly regretted getting onto these platforms. The majority of profiles that I came across were all created by parents, instead of the man himself. When I tried to make contact, 9/10 times I would get a reply back from their parents. This is how I would describe it – the matrimony site as a recruitment agency, parents of the boys as employers and girls, as job seekers. Most of the profiles that I visited had very little information describing the boy. However, there was plenty, about what kind of a girl they wish to accept into their family along with their expectations.
I quote some examples below:
I genuinely started to wonder whether I was applying for a new job or searching for a life partner. Me, nor my parents had any idea what to expect at first, but it definitely wasn’t this. We were all shocked at how backward so many families were in this day and age. I did approach a few profiles, but it was a straight rejection by the parents before I could even speak to their sons. Guess why? Due to my dusky skin shade, for being short, for my horoscope not matching with their son’s, etc. At this point I wasn’t even sure whether to be angry or laugh it out. We all know about interracial racism, (which I brutally experienced as a child after moving to the UK) but there is also a lot of racism within the same race. On the odd occasion where there was a match, the boy’s parents would rush me/my family to make a decision ASAP and that too on an engagement date!
Almost all the profiles that I had visited had the following:
But don’t we curious women love a healthy stalking session on social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn? After doing so, I would find photos of the exact same man with a cigarette, an alcoholic drink or a tub of KFC. The social drinking and meat consumption wasn’t even an issue for me at that point. What disturbed me the most, was how little these parents knew about their own sons and the lack of honesty and transparency between family members. It was a complete contrast to my family where me and my brother have never had to lie to my parents about anything.
It doesn’t just end there. Many of the profile photos that were uploaded often looked like passport photos, cropped photos taken from group shots or a picture of their son staring away into the distance taken during holiday. However, I soon came to realise that many parents create profiles on these websites without the knowledge of their sons, in the hope that they can eventually convince them to get married by finding a “suitable girl.” I was thinking to myself, “hold on, never mind wasting time finding a suitable girl, first find out if your son is ready for a marital relationship!” If he’s not ready to settle down, it’s a waste of everyone’s time.
When I created my profile, I noticed how discriminating some of the questions designed by the matrimony agencies were. I quote some examples below:
Why do any of these questions even matter? I would probably say this was my breaking point. That’s when I decided to get onto an online dating app. I said to my parents, “Look guys, I’m going to try something different, something I’ve never tried before.” “I can’t promise that he will definitely be a Brahmin but, I can assure you that he will be a good human being.” And they simply said, “that’s all that matters, so go for it.” And so I did and within a few weeks I finally met the one, who is today not just my husband, but my best friend too. When I first told my parents about him they said, “take your time and whatever your decision is, we will respect and support it, it’s your life.” Unlike most other parents whose very first question was “is he a Brahmin?”, my parents didn’t do that at all. In the end, it turned out that he was indeed from the same community, but it was just a coincidence. Even if he hadn’t been, my parents would have still strongly supported our relationship, regardless of the opinions of extended family members. The whole dating process felt so natural. It was not rushed. We both took our own sweet time to deeply understand each other. Today, we are a strong and happy couple with a solid foundation, ready to take on the many years that lay ahead of us. I have a feminist husband who celebrates me, just like my parents do.
Signing up for online dating was one of the best decisions I took in my life and it gave me just what I wanted and more. A lot of south asian parents restrict online dating but I never understood why. There are good people on all platforms. We just need to be wary of who we speak with and know where to draw the line.
To all the women out there looking to settle down, I would strongly suggest for you to try all matchmaking platforms. You could avoid not just expensive subscription fees, but a lot of mental harassment too. Be bold, stand up for yourself, don’t lose your self-respect and dignity in front of strangers. Take ownership of your decision making and more importantly, if, when and to whom you wish to get married to.
I'm Dr Shalini Moorthy. I was born in Chennai, India. I moved to the United Kingdom during my childhood as a first generation immigrant with my parents. I finished my PhD in 2019 in read more...
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