Where Had I Gone, The Woman I Was Before Marriage And Motherhood?

‘Motherhood devastated me. So did marriage.’

I was shocked to hear this from my friend’s mouth. She had always been a family person catering all to raising her family.

‘Don’t make the mistake I made’, she said to me.

**

I still remember when I was planning my child I was such a carefree young woman. Fuelled with ambition and with an urge to change the world with my skills and life’s work. When I look back at that vivacious me full of energy and innocence my heart breaks into a million pieces.

Sometimes when I look at the mirror I wonder where has that woman gone? Where have I gone?

Love consumed me. From the first day that I laid eyes on my child I fell in love with her. She was a part of me and I considered her so, unaware that she is actually a different person. Not my baby.

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Being a baby was just a phase.

I invested all my energies into my husband and child

Marriage on the other hand had already lost its sheen after the honeymoon period got over. Gradually it just becomes a routine of sharing responsibilities. And if you are in a relationship where there is no emotional support from your partner, and where your husband prefers that you have no friends either, for reasons of jealousy, masked under the veil of wanting to be the only one in your life, your personal life drifts apart. My husband never wanted me to have a personal life.

He never socialised with the friends that I had. But I did. I accommodated his friends, their family.

Gradually I was left out being very lonely. I had no one except my husband to go out with. And when things sometimes got sour between us as it does in all marriages, I was left with no one. So I focused all my love and energy on my child. I gave every ounce of love that I had in me, every ounce of love that I needed to fill my life I invested on her. Her love kept me sane at times when I felt no connection to my husband.

But then one day, my child moved on to live her own life

But then that day came when my child starting having her own life. I was left with no one. And just because I had no life of my own except the one invested to my children and husband when they moved on, I was left with nothing.

Children express no love like they used to when they were young. So the stream of love that flowed from my daughter to me also stopped. Gradually things became so unbearable that I wondered why I ever chose this life?

Where have I gone? That woman who was so full of life had been reduced to just pieces of routine, tasks and to do lists. No one asked what I wanted because I was always the giver.

I was a very emotional and sensitive person and going through this made me lose my mind. I met psychologists, I met doctors, I spoke to whoever would listen, and after speaking my heart out to all I realised no one can help me. Except myself.

I did not know where to start. But I looked back at that beautiful woman full of innocence and grand plans for the future, still waiting at that moment where I had left her, before I conceived my child. I looked back at her at my past and offered her to come to the present.

I needed to get her back one step at a time

One thing at a time. One step at a time, my past and present self took until we reached a point where she merged into me. I gradually started feeling sane.

All the things that I did not do for myself. Like maybe bringing a plant home. Working on my career. Doing the things that I love. Prioritising myself like I always did before I decided that loving someone means giving myself up. The thing is you cannot pour from an empty cup. But most importantly, you cannot survive if you do not listen to your soul.

Your soul is the only reason why you are here. There should be no reason why you should give up on your soul.

Do the things that make you come alive. Never never never lose touch with your soul. How do you know it’s what your soul wants?

Well, anything that makes you feel alive is what is connected to your soul. Never stop doing that.

For you Priyanka it’s your writing. For me well it’s always been architecture.

You know what? I learnt it the very hard way. Love has no meaning unless you are involved in it.

What matters is just you. When you are okay everything else in life just falls into place. Automatically without any effort.

**

Life lesson anyone?

Image source: YouTube/ Pocket Films

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