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She had cheated death which she once wished. It was HIM who loved her and that is all that she needed. She felt liberated.
Walking down the lane between the pine and the eucalyptus trees, she called for death. The gentle breeze and the smell of the eucalyptus leaves which she once loved didn’t appeal to her anymore. She hastened her pace as the clouds had begun to cluster in the sky. Early morning, the sky had been picture perfect but now it was changing… just like her mood. The beautiful concoction of blue and white was dawning into gravel grey. Large cushions of cloud were forming…somewhat blotching the old gold colour of the sun.
Exhausted, she looked up to see if the monastery up the hill was any closer. Her tiredness was now tending towards insanity. She felt as if the spirit had left her body. Listless and tired…nothing seemed okay with her this morning.
Her legs hurt but she managed to pull herself. A lady carrying a baby brushed aside her but she was all lost in her thoughts. She loved babies. She remembered the little Jhilmil she once had but now her lap was barren.
Walking deeper into the woods, the words of Robert Frost – “miles to go before I sleep”– reverberated in her ears. She wondered if she had walked enough for the day and could rest now. Her body urged her to rest and bask in the tranquillity of nature. Nature and its serenity were infinite and she was tired….so very very tired. But she had no time to rest.
Her legs ached but she reached her destination. She had wished death in the house of God. A young monk crossed her path but she couldn’t see him. She was in a haze. She had done everything to make Avinash happy but couldn’t succeed. He said he loathed her; he said she suffocated him; he said he would never like to see her again! She wept deep within when she heard the chants humming from the monastery. The young monk crossed her path again. She stopped him now. Desperately she asked him why was he so happy when she is just a miserable soul. The monk didn’t reply.
She had carried the poison with her. It was just the right time. The monk reached to her now; he lent her the cup to pour the poison so that she could gulp. The universe whispered, “Gulp it, gulp the poison”. And she did; she gulped yet she was alive. So what was it she had gulped?
Smiling the monk answered “You just gulped HOPE, you just gulped FAITH, you just gulped EMPATHY, and you just gulped COMPASSION. Reach out to those who need you. Reach out to those who care for you. The universe needs you. Kill the virulent thoughts within you and not the whole of you”.
She retorted “But I had been rejected. I had been rejected by the one whom I loved and I thought cared for me”.
The young soul reverted, “But I love you…don’t you realize that? The trees love you, the path you came across loves you, and the souls you touched once love you. Search for love within. It’s in you. Aspire for inner wisdom and not for outer favours from random people.”
She entered the monastery and she found where her love was. She heard the first specks of rain across the meadows. She watched the tiny droplets of moisture that dripped from the leaves and sprinkled on the lush green grass. The rainfall became intense. So much rain was pouring that the sound hazed into one long, buzzing noise.
She had cheated death which she once wished. It was HIM who loved her and that is all that she needed. She felt liberated. Kneeling before Lord Buddha she prayed for Jhilmil. That is all that mattered and that is all she wanted.
She lifted herself up. The rainfall has lessened. The sun showed its smiling face once again. The raindrops gradually faded to a musical chime. It was in the house of God she found her salvation.
Image via Pixabay
Rimli Bhattacharya is a First class gold medalist in Mechanical Engineering from National Institute of Technology, an MBA in supply chain management and is engaged with a corporate sector. Her essay in the anthology “Book read more...
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