Finding Place For You, My Pain

Endometriosis: A good part of my life I’ve spent with you, and spent fearing you. But is that it? 

There is more to us than that. I thought I owed it to myself to find a place for you. Here I am.

I try,

I try to find a place for you in my life

But that’s not to question

How much of a presence you had

As you flooded me

Invisible, inconceivable, inside

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Days, months, years….

I try,

I try to find a place for you in my life

I knew you and felt you

The fierce, breaking, recurring pain was hard to neglect

Belittled though by the agony of not being understood,

With good intent,

Cajoled by gentle yet piercing judgement

‘I know what this is, you ought to, you have to, you…’, they said

Ah, the stories I heard about you

There was no room for mine then.

I try,

I try to find a place for you in my life

As I think of feeling wrapped by dark nights of despair

Much like your dark blanket that swathed my insides

Spreading far and wide

But whether it was time, our familiarity, I am not too sure

But I was sure of our different relationship, and that gave me comfort

It was a beginning

I try,

I try to find a place for you

Our journey,

Nourishment, healing, an intervention

It brought me then, face-to-face with you

Brought me some relief

With love,

‘We trust what you feel, you were a warrior’, they said

My truth, our truth was brought into the light

I try,

I try to find a place for you

The journey and the light had led me further

And life, brought me a great gift,

Grateful to life, grateful to them, grateful to faith

The dark clouds had receded a bit

Gave me a moment to breathe

And bask in the glory of the new rainbow

As I now look back and make peace with you

As I forgive,

As I learn,

As truth of unfathomable battles begins to be respected

As hope, trust, love and gratitude come,

Spread,

And overshadow fear

I find,

I find a place for you.

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