How Does Loving Someone Mean Keeping Them Under Control And Being Possessive About Them?

Love is not just gifts, roses and love making. Neither is it about keeping your partner under control. It is about trust, understanding and being there.

We talk about sex education and its importance. In high school, we all had a glimpse of how the reproductive system works, about the rush of hormones and all that.

Eventually, after we get married, we strive hard to be the best sex partner to our partner. Sometimes we even try different things to benefit each other with pleasure, probably thinking this fulfils a relationship.

Unhealthy relationships are everywhere around us, we worship romance and feel that’s the only way to showcase the love in a relationship. But isn’t it necessary to keep the other person emotionally healthy and respect their feelings too?

There are certain things which you should refrain doing in your relationship to maintain the happiness, and to keep the love real.

Bringing up the past

Blaming your spouse for past mistakes. Keeping a tally of who has screwed up the most.

Talking about the past is going to get you nowhere. Either you are trying to prove your righteousness in that moment by blaming them. Or you are trying to poke your spouse with guilt, so that they are emotionally hit. When this goes for a long time in a relationship, you tend to spend most of your energy proving that you are less culpable.

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Deal with one thing at a time. What happened in 2010 has nothing to do with 2020. Last week’s messy movie plan has nothing to do with tonight’s work schedule and flop dine out.

If what happened a year before was a problem for you, you should have dealt it by then, not by bringing it a year later connecting a current situation.

Throwing hints and sulking without a word

When you aren’t happy with a decision your spouse made or an activity of his/hers, it is appreciated if you hit it straight. Instead of opening up about what’s actually troubling you, acting silly or walking away while your partner talks to you or crying at night, venting your anger on the kids will do nothing except irritate your spouse further.

State your feelings and desires openly. Be clear that you’d love to have their support and need some relaxed talk on that issue.

Emotional blackmailing

Emotional blackmail is a very easy thing many people resort to in order to keep the other person hooked.

‘I will not eat today unless you do this for me,’ ‘I am no longer giving you money until you prove you are right,’ ‘You will not see me alive, I will die if you don’t do this for me.’ These are some of the common things people tend to use to emotionally blackmail their partners. And all it does is create unnecessary drama.

It is fine to get upset at your partner or to not like something about them. That’s what a normal human being does. However, simply because you are married to each other, doesn’t mean you need to keep everything under your control. Neither does it mean you need to have the upper hand by emotionally blackmailing the other person.

Note that a relationship is filled with love only when you have the ability to communicate without emotional blackmails. But if you have to resort to emotional blackmail, it just proves there is no love only a need to control your spouse.

Being suspicious and checking their phone

Many of us get pissed off when our partner talks, calls, texts, hangs out with another person constantly. This lead to us taking that anger out on our partner and attempting to control their behavior.

And that in turn, often leads to crazy behaviour such as hacking into your partner’s email, and even checking their texts while they’re in the shower.

Understand that this has nothing to do with being possessive. It’s controlling and manipulative. All it does is create unnecessary drama and fighting. It transmits a message of a lack of trust in the other person. And honestly, it’s demeaning.

Trust your partner. I know some jealousy is natural. But excessive jealousy and controlling behaviour towards your partner are signs of your own feelings of unworthiness. It is your fault and you should learn to deal with those feelings.

Being happy in a relationship is not about happy pictures on Facebook and Instagram. It is inside your room where you both emotionally support each other.

Love is not just gifts and roses

If love is just about roses, gifts, and love making almost every relationship in this world would have survived.

But neither is love synonymous to keeping someone under control. Love is about respecting the other person as individual and putting yourself in your partner’s shoes during an argument. All it takes is respect and trust for happy love and emotionally healthy relationship.

When an argument arises, have the courage to sit and talk, understand and respect. That’s how a relationship works beautifully, not the other way around.

A version of this was earlier published here.

Picture credits: Still from Bollywood movie Kabir Singh

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