What Feminism Is Not – Not Man-Hating Or ‘Modern Dress’ Or Favouring Women! What Is It, Then?

We need to look at what feminism is not – so many misconceptions about it abound, and it is time people separated fact from fiction.

While scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed with my sleeping baby on my lap, I read a news article about an eminent cricketer whose family got his newly-wed bride’s name changed post marriage.

I glanced at the comments section of the post, curious to know how the masses had reacted to this news item. Expectedly, while some people expressed their disapproval of such an act enforcing a change of identity on the woman, others had no qualms about it as they perceived it to be her choice.

In the same comments section, someone had posted a joke – “Feminists be like why Nelson Mandela and not Neldaughter Womandela?” This was supposed to be funny because there were more than 500 likes on this comment and possibly a few years back I would have had a good laugh reading it too. No more! Far from making me laugh, the ‘joke’ actually made me feel disappointed, piqued and helpless, all at the same time. Such jokes send across the message that feminists fuss over non-issues and fight for trivial matters.

This was not the first time I had come across such a bizarre comment about feminists and feminism. It is so common to see memes, sneering comments and ridiculing jokes all over social media which condone feminists or which mock feminism. This happens because a significant percentage of people have absolutely no idea about the feminist movement and what feminism really stands for.

“Oh now the feminists will come and start their sermon”, “Oh the feminazis are hypocrites” , “If someone touches any lady, it is rape but if a lady sleeps with many men it is modern feminism. Haha” – these are the exact comments on any post that is remotely related to a women’s issue and if you have come across them too, you probably already know that it’s actually much worse.

It’s heart-breaking to see the constant use of ‘FemiNazi’ in a derogatory manner by people to take a jibe at feminists. It is so frustrating at times that I wonder why it is that hard for people to understand the simple concept of equal rights! But then, the reality is that it isn’t really straightforward because our minds are steeped in patriarchy and most of us have internalized sexism to an extent that we cannot see the obvious! It is something that has trickled down from many generations ago and therefore, we cannot expect it to change so soon.

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If I talk about myself, it took years for me to understand feminism and be passionate about it. During my growing years, I had perceived a ‘feminist’ to be someone who was against men, even though I was brought up in a gender neutral environment. Hence, at that point, I thought of it to be a term with a negative connotation and because no one discussed about these things back then, for a long time I continued to believe so.

After I resigned from my corporate job, I began volunteering with an NGO and carried out my research on the feminist movement as a part of my work. It was a revelation of sorts and it hit me hard how deep rooted this problem is. I understood how it took years and years of massive endeavour to bring us to the situation that we are in today.

All the women who misunderstand feminism and think it’s just a trend or a pseudo thing – I hope you can appreciate that you are in a position at present to say this because someone else has been working since centuries to give you that right. I would highly recommend that everyone read up on the feminist movement before using your half knowledge to undermine mammoth efforts towards an equal society. Just perform a Google search and you will find endless relevant information on this topic.

Feminism is a range of political movements, ideologies, and social movements that share a common goal: to define, establish, and achieve political, economic, personal, and social rights for women. This includes seeking to establish equal opportunities for women in education and employment. (Sourced from the Internet)

However, feminism is misconstrued in many ways and I hope I can help clarify what it’s NOT.

Feminism is not about hating or bashing men

The biggest misconception about feminism is that it is about hating men. Please understand that feminism is not biological but it is an ideology. Even a man can be a feminist and a woman can be a sexist. It is not Man versus Woman, it is equality versus patriarchy. We are not fighting men but the misogyny that prevails in the society irrespective of the gender that advocates it directly or indirectly, subtly or not so subtly.

Contrary to the notion of it being anti-men, feminism does not disgrace a man by disrespectful statements like “Men will be men” or “All men are the same” or “A son is a son till he gets a wife”. That is the voice of patriarchy.

Feminism has nothing to do with clothing

A lot of people think that feminism is about promoting and wearing modern clothing.

Again, it is in the mind and you cannot identify a feminist by his/her appearance. A person wearing modern clothes can be downright sexist and someone who wears traditional clothes can be a flag-bearer of feminism. We as a society need to stop linking dressing sense, which is about style and comfort, to feminism or anything else for that matter.

Feminism does not encourage women to drink or smoke

I have read numerous comments on social media in which people imply that women have started drinking or smoking because of feminism.

Firstly, I want to ask them – if it’s OK for a man to indulge in these, what is the issue if women do so too? This is a choice made by an individual who is aware of the cons with respect to health hazards. A feminist would probably say “One should limit drinking or smoking because of the repercussions on health” whereas a sexist would say “It doesn’t look good when girls drink or smoke” or “At least girls should not spoil our culture by drinking and smoking”. Get the difference?

Feminism is NOT the cause of increase in divorce rates

I was looking up the internet for some anti-feminist quotes and beliefs to comprehend the different reasons due to which people are against feminism. One of the things that consistently came up was that it is the cause of divorces because it provokes women to leave husbands and end marriages. Sigh! In fact, isn’t it great that we are encouraging women to walk out of bad marriages or abusive relationships? Why are we hell bent on making people stick to marriages if they are clearly not happy in the relationship? Why do we need to look for any reason for divorces? Feminists don’t call “any and everything” abuse as per what we are blamed for. It’s just that probably you do not see it because of the ingrained patriarchal thinking, or you see it and are not ready to acknowledge it. If something is disrespectful, it has to be called out on loud and clear.

Feminism is not about favouring women

Just like feminism is not about male bashing, it is also not about being partial to women. We do not want any additional privileges and we do not want to be put on a pedestal.

A friend shared an incident with me recently which occurred outside an ATM. As we all are aware, post demonetization there have been long queues at the banks and ATMs. A group of women saw the line and instead of maintaining it, went ahead and created another one beside the existing one. When confronted by the men who were waiting for their turn, the women simply responded unabashedly that there should be a separate queue for women. They were pointed to the clear rules that only senior citizens and pregnant women can be given priority, but they refused to budge.

This is not feminism and such behaviour is deplorable. Such people are opportunists and not feminists. We all need to walk hand in hand, with respect for each other, for ourselves and for a better tomorrow.

Feminism is for everyone

Another huge misconception about feminism is that it is only for the benefit of women. No, no and no! It is equally important for men.

Equality of sexes is great for everyone because that frees people of gender based social taboos and stereotypes. A feminist will look at a man taking care of home and kids, while his wife goes out to work with respect, but a sexist would pass a comment like “Shameless is living on the mercy of the wife”. A sexist might make fun of a man who is a victim of abuse but a feminist will show sensitivity towards him, because we understand that anyone can be a victim of abuse in any relationship regardless of age and gender.

Feminists do have a sense of humour

Yes, we have zero tolerance for those sexist jokes! Feminists absolutely despise the sexist husband-wife and man-woman jokes, because we realize how such jokes subtly, though unintentionally, play a role in further entrenching the patriarchal culture. That doesn’t mean we are uptight people! So please stop telling us to “Have a sense of humour”! We don’t take “everything seriously”.

Feminism or sexism is not always obvious in a person

People think feminists are of the opinion that everyone who is not a feminist is evil. Though misogyny does lead to abuse and other grave crimes, but more often than not, the presence of such ideologies in a person is subtle and one may not even realize it.

A good human being might still subconsciously say or do things at times that are sexist. I have experienced this myself and during my research I understood that this happens due to the internalized sexism. Internalized sexism is defined as the involuntary belief that the lies, stereotypes and myths about girls and women that are delivered to everyone in a sexist society ARE TRUE.

For those who say feminists stretch matters and that we should let go sometimes, I have just one question- how is one going to bring about a change in deep rooted ideologies with ‘partial’ or half-hearted efforts?  Such movements cannot happen without persistence, passion and undeterred attempts towards achieving the goal.

Sorry but no sorry, we cannot take a chill pill. So what if that makes you uncomfortable or pushes you to the brink or hurts your ego? We will keep calling out on everything around us that propagates sexism. Today I am an empowered woman and I owe it to everyone who has been a part of the feminist movement, relentlessly fighting and raising their voice, and continuing to do so.

In a country where girls are killed in the womb, dumped in bins, scalded with acid and harassed and murdered for dowry, we need feminism.

In a country where every other second a female is being raped, we need feminism.

In a country where many girls still do not go to schools because their brother’s education is apparently more important, we need feminism.

If you think otherwise, you are living in a bubble. Whatever great things we do or achieve as a nation, we cannot really make progress till we bring an end to the patriarchal culture and the gender biases and prejudices.

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