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I came across a comment recently on my Twitter (now X) feed that got me thinking. It was a post about stay-at-home moms and someone commented, “We shouldn’t judge their decision to stay home. It’s their choice, after all.”
While I do agree that it is none of my business to comment on the decision made by any mother, this simple statement got me pondering.
Is it always a deliberate choice, unaffected by societal expectations and pressures?
This idea stayed with me as I thought about how every time there is a discussion on any such topic, we tend to dismiss it as a “choice” without really looking at the situation from all angles. Instead of pitting mothers making different choices against each other, should not we be focusing on enabling an ecosystem in which every mother truly follows her heart?
At times, we do not realize how often societal norms disguise themselves as personal choices, whether it’s in career decisions or the subtle influences of traditional customs. I feel that the concept of choice has emerged as both a symbol of freedom and a web of contradictions. Choice feminism, with its emphasis on individual agency and the autonomy to forge personal choices, has found a place in the discourse over the years, but the question persists – does it truly liberate women in a society steeped in tradition and patriarchal norms? How does this concept translate into the diverse lived experiences of women spanning the many intersections of India?
Choice feminism may feel like a call to arms for women to carve their own paths, make decisions that resonate with their desires, and reclaim agency over their lives. Take the example of women leaders in corporates breaking barriers in career choices, challenging stereotypes at every step. Some women are even opting for unconventional careers, asserting their right to choose professional trajectories outside traditional gender roles.
However, this urban narrative can be misleading. Once we venture beyond the city limits, the landscape changes. Rural India, with its deeply entrenched patriarchal structures, often leaves women with a mere illusion of choice. Economic disparities and social pressures restrict options, rendering the notion of free choice a distant mirage. In villages where traditions reign supreme, women’s choices are often subjugated to familial expectations, perpetuating a cycle of constrained agency.
Even in the privileged sphere, consider the rhetoric of choice in the case of arranged marriages. While some women embrace arranged marriages as a personal preference, it is paramount to recognize that not all choices are made from an equitable standpoint. Traditional norms heavily influence familial decisions, leaving women with a limited array of options cleverly disguised as personal agency.
Moreover, the discourse on choice feminism in India often grapples with the intersectionality of caste and class.
A woman’s ability to exercise choice is intricately linked with her social standing. The privilege of choice is not distributed evenly, with marginalized communities further bearing the brunt of systemic inequalities. This was glaringly obvious in the recent social media debate on periods leave during which I observed not all women with privileges were comfortable to be posed with the question about whether they are willing to offer the same rights and comforts to their domestic workers, for instance.
In the political sphere, where women are gradually benefiting with better representation, choice feminism comes with its share of both triumphs and pitfalls. Women leaders breaking barriers in Indian politics showcase the power of choice in reshaping narratives. However, the patriarchal undercurrents within political structures also demand a closer look. Tokenism and gender-based discrimination still exist, revealing that the mere presence of women in politics does not guarantee the dismantling of oppressive systems.
The allure of individual agency should not blind us to the systemic barriers that are present in our society. True liberation demands dismantling patriarchal structures, addressing socio-economic disparities, and ensuring that the choices available are genuinely empowering. Choice feminism, in all honesty, is a nuanced amalgamation of empowerment and illusion. While some women wield their choices as a powerful instrument of liberation, others find themselves ensnared in a web of societal expectations. To champion true agency, we must disentangle the threads of tradition, class, and caste that interlace the fabric of choice for Indian women. The path to liberation requires not just the celebration of individual choices but a collective effort to dismantle the barriers that obstruct the road to true equality.
There is a necessity for sincere steps to be taken towards bringing in systemic as well as mindset changes to ensure a choice is truly an informed one stemming from awareness and aspirations of an individual. Else the lingering question will always nag us – is the choice, in reality, a lack of choice?
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In the case of a crisis, every second counts. Knowing first aid can significantly differentiate life and death in an emergency.
Emergency first aid requires careful consideration. The ABCs of first aid must be done immediately upon approaching a victim.
Applying this first-aid approach to a victim requires knowledge. You will worsen the victim\’s health otherwise.
In this blog, let us understand the ABC of first aid, its relevance, and how to apply it to a sufferer.
Take a closer look at what ABC signifies in first aid.
A- Stands for Airway B -Stands for Breathing C -Stands for Circulation
In brief, it involves assessing the airway, checking breathing, and evaluating circulation through pulse or observing the color and temperature of hands or fingers.
An open airway means a smooth passage for the breath to go in and out, keeping everything flowing as it should. It’s like having a clear runway for the oxygen to pass in your lungs without obstacles.
Source: Wikipedia
Follow these measures to support opening someone\’s airway.
Caution: If the patient not breathing normally
Can you Imagine life without breath? Breathing is the physical process of inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide.That is why assessing whether or not someone is breathing is important.
Image Source : https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/safety/cpr-first-aid/cpr-for-children
Check for normal breathing with these approaches.
✅ Place your hand close to the person\’s nose and mouth to feel airflow. ✅ Listen for the sound of breath, indicating regular and rhythmic breathing. ✅ Watch for the rise and fall of the chest to assess if the person is breathing normally.
Note: Remember to complete this assessment within 10 seconds for a quick and accurate evaluation of breathing status.
Blood circulation is crucial for transporting oxygen. Breathing supplies oxygen to the blood, and the heartbeat distributes it to organs. Without enough oxygen, organs and tissues may face damage.
Knowing basic life-saving techniques like artificial respiration (mouth-to-mouth) and hands-on CPR can make a significant difference in critical situations.
Here is how to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Positioning: Lay the person flat and tilt their head back to open the airway. Sealing the Airway: Pinch the nose shut and create an airtight seal with your mouth. Breaths: Give two rescue breaths lasting about one second, allowing the chest to rise between breaths.
Here’s some information on doing hands-on CPR.
Initial assessment: Check responsiveness and assess breathing.
Chest compressions: Place hands on the breastbone. Compress the chest at least 2 inches deep for adults. Maintain a compression rate of 100-120 per minute during the procedure.
Integration with rescue breaths: After 30 compressions, provide two rescue breaths using mouth-to-mouth. Repeat the cycle until professional help arrives.
If a victim is unconscious and not breathing, immediately call for emergency assistance and initiate CPR without delay.
Source: https://www.istockphoto.com/photos/first-aid-training
Getting First Aid training is essential for all kinds of people. Knowing first aid introduces a sense of preparedness, providing peace of mind in personal and professional environments.
Exposure to various scenarios during training prepares individuals to adapt their skills to different emergencies. Builds confidence in individuals, allowing them to apply first aid skills confidently and competently.
Scenario – Unresponsive Person A – Ensure the airway is clear, tilt the head, and lift chin. B – Look out for any signs of chest movement and actively listen for breath sounds. C – Check for a pulse, and initiate CPR if not breathing normally. Scenario – Burns A- No specific airway action, focus on cooling the burn. B- Observe breathing for any respiratory distress. C- Monitor circulation, and call for help if severe burns or shock. Scenario- Fractures A- Assess the airway if trauma to the head/neck is suspected. B- Observe breathing for signs of pain. C- Monitor circulation, and immobilize the injured area. Scenario-Choking A- Check if the person is able to cough or speak. B- Encourage coughing, and perform Heimlich Maneuver. C- Assess circulation, initiate CPR if unconscious and not breathing.
These principles guide the appropriate actions in various emergency scenarios, ensuring a systematic and effective response. Always remember to seek professional medical assistance in critical situations.
Emergency can occur all around us in all walks of life. It is always good to have an equipped first aid kit for emergency safety kit. The right essential kit can make a crucial difference in responding to minor injuries or unexpected emergencies, whether at home, in the car, or during outdoor activities.
These include:
First Aid Manual Thermometer Torch/Flashlight Burn Gel or Dressing Emergency Contact Information Disposable Gloves Adhesive Bandages Antiseptic Wipes Scissors Instant Cold Pack Pain Relievers
Also, feel free to customize based on individual needs and preferences.
Note: Check the expiration of essentials like ointments and medicines.
So, that’s the ABCs of First Aid – Airway, Breathing, and Circulation. Knowing these basic first aid fundamentals is essential for all kinds of individuals, whether you\’re a parent, a teacher, or just part of a community, to name a few. It’s about being ready and looking out for each other.
“Safety first” is “Safety Always”- Charles Melville Hays
Stay informed, get trained, and live a healthy and happy life together.
Also, check other blog on 3 Shocking Online Scams Exposed & How to Fight Back (more…)
Born as Angad in a conventional, middle-class family in Bangalore, India, the journey to becoming Karnataka’s first transwoman doctor wasn’t an easy one. Now, she has also become an actor. This transformation marks a significant milestone for Trinetra Haldar Gummaraju.
She faced obstacles at every step, but persevered through them to reach where she stands today. Now, having established herself as a successful transwoman, she wishes to make the society more queer sensitive. Trinetra aspires to see transwomen excelling in all walks of life with the dignity, respect and opportunities that they duly deserve.
Trinetra Haldar Gummaraju was born in 1997 as a male but realized quite early on that she did not relate with that gender identity. Like usual Indian parents, her parents too did not at first understand her.
She herself accepts that her father tried his level best to masculinize her. Though he was also one of the most supportive persons later on when she underwent gender reaffirmation surgery in 2019.
As a young Indian boy, when Gummaraju showed a liking for make-up and girls’ clothes, she was chastised by her family members. But even more so by the neighbourhood women. Her effeminate ways were ridiculed at.
In an interview with shethepeople, Trinetra revealed that she told her parents about her liking for boys when she was 13-14 years old. At that time she did not even know terms like trans or gender incongruence. What she knew was that she did not feel herself in the identity she was assigned at birth.
She lived with that identity for 20 years before her surgery in 2019 and since then has proudly and happily embraced womanhood.
Even acquiring education was not easy for Gummaraju. She was bullied in school and sometimes even teachers made fun of her. Contrary to her expectations, her time in medical school was no better. Many of the professors were transphobic and the curricula lacked queer-sensitive information that at times even verged on queerphobia.
While in college, the authorities initially forced her to stay in a boys’ hostel and denied her accommodation in the girls’ hostel after she underwent her surgery.
Against this, Trinetra filed a PIL in the Karnataka high court. She is demanding that educational institutes be directed to set up gender-neutral hostel facilities. These facilities are to accommodate students from the LGBTQAI+ community.
It was while interning during her final year that she came across the auditions for the web show ‘Made in Heaven’. Like for any ordinary Indian, Bollywood was something that seemed out of reach, but still she gave it a try and ended up nailing it.
With ‘Made in Heaven S2’ Trinetra Haldar Gummaraju stepped into the shoes of an actor. She was already serving as a successful primary care physician.
It was in 2015 that Gummaraju decided to try her hand at content creation. She began by documenting her transition journey from male to female where she extensively talked about her surgery and recovery.
Her YouTube videos and social media presence repeatedly highlight the lack of queer-inclusive medical education. They also spotlight the status of trans rights in the country. They have also helped in busting a lot of myths about trans people. These videos act as a wonderful guidance for young trans people or for youth facing doubts or confusion about their gender identity.
Trinetra has been quite vocal about the abysmal condition of trans-affirmative healthcare in India. She has created a list of queer-friendly doctors in the country. This list, called ‘The Rainbow Pill List’, is easily accessible on her Instagram.
In 2021, she filed a report in the Madras High court stating the necessity for queer inclusive education in medical schools. She is demanding the removal of archaic and queerphobic portions of the syllabus. She also challenged the rampant practice of conversion therapy that allegedly tried to ‘cure’ LGBTQIA+ people.
Justice N Anand Venkatesh directed the National Medical Commission to purge medical syllabi of queerphobic content and ban conversion therapy. The therapy was eventually declared a professional misconduct, thereby registering a big win for Gummaraju and the larger trans community.
She has also openly come out against corporates’ lip service to the trans community. She is demanding LGBTQIA+ friendly workspaces, including gender neutral washrooms. Additionally, she calls for the protection of trans people from harassment, discrimination, and abuse.
In 2022, she featured on the Forbes 30 under 30 lists for India and Asia. She was also on the Forbes Top 100 Digital Stars Lists in 2022 and 2023. She was also among the GQ 25 Most Influential Young Indians List in 2021 and GQ 30 Most Influential Young Indians List in 2022.
Her presence has graced the covers of popular magazines like Forbes India, Femina, and Elle India.
Trinetra Haldar Gummaraju’s work is nothing less than miraculous. She has spent a major part of the 26 years of her life fighting, first for herself and then for other trans people.
As a transwoman, she has reached milestones that are still a distant dream for a majority of the LGBTQIA+ people in India. Thus, she is opening up unexplored avenues for the trans community.
She is undoubtedly an inspiration not just for queer people but for everyone.
Image source: Hindustan Times
We all love a good underdog story, don’t we? Especially one that unfolds on a cricket pitch, where every boundary hit and every wicket claimed ratchets up the suspense. That’s exactly the kind of tale that Smriti Mandhana, the vice-captain of the Indian Women’s cricket team, is scripting every time she steps onto the field. But what’s the story behind this rising star of international women’s cricket?
Smriti Mandhana is an Indian cricketer and vice-captain of the Indian Women’s cricket team. In domestic cricket she represents Maharashtra and plays for Royal Challengers Bangalore in the Women’s Premier League (WPL).
At 27 years of age, she is a rising star and one of the biggest names in women’s cricket, both nationally and internationally. She is an intrinsic part of the Indian team’s batting order and has played a pivotal role in the many laurels that the team has bagged in recent years.
Mandhana was born in Mumbai in 1996 and two years later her family shifted to Sangli, which she now calls home. Her connection with cricket is a long one, with both her father and elder brother being cricket players before stepping away from the sport.
Her father, deprived of the opportunity himself, always desired at least one of his children to don the national colours. While Smriti’s brother changed paths after his stint in the under-19 Maharashtra team. It left a deep impact on young Smriti. She felt that she belonged to the field.
Smriti used to accompany her brother to the practice grounds. She would even play a few balls during his net sessions. Her family was always very supportive of her interest in cricket. Hence, she didn’t have to face many of the gender-related challenges like her other female counterparts.
Her father believed that left-handed batters had a leverage in the sport. This encouraged both Smriti and her brother to learn batting with their left hand while originally being right-handed.
Soon she started training under Anant Tambwekar. He remembers her as a prodigious student and praises her for her humility, discipline, and dedication towards the game. This is despite her weighty achievements.
At the mere age of nine, she got selected in the U-15 Maharashtra team. By the time she turned 11, she had already made her way into the U-19 team.
2013 was the life changing year for Mandhana.
She made her international debut in a T20 match against Bangladesh. A few days later, she made her ODI debut, again against Bangladesh. During these initial limited overs matches of her career, Mandhana used a bat signed by the legendary Rahul Dravid. This bat was something her brother got for her when she was young.
Smriti Mandhana has a top-notch records table. Ever since she started playing professionally she has strived for excellence in her craft.
Mandhana became the first Indian woman to smash a double century in a 50-overs match. She scored 224 off 150 balls while playing for Maharashtra against Gujarat in an Inter-State Under-19 one-day tournament.
Her role in India’s run-up to the 2017 World Cup finals cannot be overlooked where the batter was India’s third highest scorer after Mithali Raj and Harmanpreet Kaur.
In a 2018 Kia Super League match, Smriti Mandhana scored a 50 off just 18 balls, consequently equaling Sophie Devine’s record for the fastest 50 ever in women’s T20 cricket.
That same year saw her being adjudged the ICC Women’s Cricketer of the Year (Rachael Heyhoe Flint Award) and the ICC Women’s ODI Player of the Year. For the first time in 2019, she topped the ICC women’s ODI rankings.
Also in 2019, she got the opportunity to lead the Indian team as the country’s youngest T20 captain, for both men and women, when she took the reins from an injured Harmanpreet Kaur.
By 2021, the batter was once again chosen as the ICC Women’s Cricketer of the Year. She became the only cricketer in history after Aussie Ellyse Perry to win the award twice.
Smriti also has to her credit the record of the fastest T20 50 by an Indian woman cricketer. She achieved this when she scored a 23-ball half century against England in the CWG semi-final match. Here, she broke her own previous record of achieving the same feat off 24 balls.
After Raj and Kaur, Mandhana is the only Indian woman to cross the 2000 runs mark in T20I. She is also only the sixth Indian woman to reach 2000 runs in WODI.
The Maharashtra star was the vice-captain of the Indian squad that bagged the silver medal at the 2022 Commonwealth Games. She was also the vice-captain of the squad that won the gold medal at the 2023 Asian Games. These games were held in Hangzhou, China.
Her INR 3.4 crores bid at the inaugural Women’s Premier League (WPL) is the icing on the cake, making her the highest-priced player of the contest.
In her decade-long international career, Smriti Mandhana has become an indispensable part of the Indian women’s cricket cohort. Her precocious batting talent adds to the team’s strengths, making it a remarkable force in the cricketing world.
Her coveted records prove that there is a long and flourishing career ahead of her. Undoubtedly, nothing can stop her from making her mark as one of the biggest that the country has seen in the sport.
Another book on singlehood? It seems to be the season for books on the joys and freedom of being single. But Demystifying and Dignifying Singlehood: Life Journeys of Single Women Across the Globe by Uma Jain is different. The book does not glorify or glamourise the lives of single women in any way. These are real stories – with the good, the bad and the ugly, all there.
The book tells the stories of 15 single women across the world. A feeling of deep understanding and empathy fills you as you read the book and understand the challenges faced by the women who are single – by choice or chance. Some of the women chose to be single because they faced discrimination and even abuse as girl children. Some others had abusive marriages and sought divorce.
The tag line ‘Crafting pathways on rough terrains’ on the cover page is enough to tell you that this is a serious take on the issue of singlehood. If it focuses more on the rough than the smooth, that has been the reality for the 15 women.
The book was published in 2023 by NTL institute, an imprint of Libri Publishing. The Vadodara-based author, Uma Jain, 72, is a distinguished academic. A fellow of the Indian Institute of Management, Ahmedabad, she has taught organisational behaviour and made significant contributions in the field of applied behavioural science nationally and internationally. Leadership, values and culture building, and diversity and inclusion are some of her interest areas.
Here is an engaging interview with the author…
A decade ago, it occurred to me that there was so much uniqueness in my life – joys, pain and challenges. My life seemed to be so different from, say, my sister’s. I have met so many single women over the years. I felt their rich lives were hidden. I myself never shared much about the issues I faced as a single woman with other people.
People do not see the interconnection between what is happening in society and singlehood. The motivation for writing this book is to bring these interconnections to light. In 2017, I went to France for a writing workshop and realised that I wanted to write this book. I almost framed the title of the book. In 2018, I convened a workshop for single women in Jaipur. Many of the women who participated in that workshop have shared their stories in this book.
Initially, it does. For instance, if a woman goes through a bad marriage and gets divorced. Or, one woman who is featured in the book suddenly became a widow. It takes time to get over these experiences. Yet, I would say the lives of single women are not any easier, or more difficult, whether it is from choice or chance. The facets of living alone, the experiences of managing everything on your own, social reactions, and the things you miss out, remain the same.
It is easier to step into singlehood these days. Earlier, it was an oddity. Nowadays, with education and financial independence as well as rising expectations of women it has become more common.
But I am not so sure it has become easier to deal with singlehood. While financial independence helps both in choosing to be single and managing singlehood, patriarchal attitudes and expectations continue. A single woman has to still deal with all this. A single professional has to face some specific impediments on the job front.
I am focusing on three people-related aspects. One, lack of having a stable, constant companion is a major issue. I am not just talking about romantic and sexual life. Companionship includes socialising, travel, managing a home together – so many things. It is difficult for single women to find ways to live a fuller life.
Two, at social gatherings, women tend to get together and talk about their husbands and children. The single woman gets left out. Moreover, many wives tend to look at single women with suspicion. In fact, some people feel uneasy inviting single women to parties. This causes social isolation.
Three, it is hard for single women to reach out to men and socialise without being misunderstood.
Personally, I don’t carry the feeling of being unsafe in my mind. I have travelled alone. Even married professionals travel alone. So, physical safety is as much an issue for single women as it is for other women.
However, financial security is a major issue that single women have to watch out for. They have to save for their future and manage their finances well. But my sample (in this book) are of mostly financially independent women. In fact, the single largest reason for rising singlehood is the increasing financial independence of women.
Interestingly, even today, when it comes to distribution of property many families think that single women do not need anything. The old-fashioned perspective prevails that single women should live a simple, frugal life. Why?
The major advantage of singlehood for me has been the freedom. I could pursue what I valued. In fact, I have mentioned in my story that I could not accept several proposals that came my way because the prospective groom and his family had certain expectations from me – they wanted me to have a stable job as a college lecturer. For instance, I have taken a sabbatical and not earned for a long period. I was free to do that. I don’t think the marriage system gives a woman a choice in this regard. If she is working and earning, she is expected to continue that.
Another advantage of singlehood was that I could travel without adjusting my schedule to a partner’s schedule. Also, I could interact with people freely without being bound by role-based expectations.
Yes, single women have the freedom to pursue their professions. But there is a downside to it. When a single woman wants to grow in her career, she is often asked why she is so ambitious about her job or about money. She may be told that she is doing well at work as she does not have other responsibilities. Another factor is a single woman may miss a promotion when aspersions are cast that the boss is partial to her. Also, entertaining and networking for professional gains become tougher for a single woman.
It’s crucial to focus on self-development and cultivate your own interests. To give our best to your profession is also important. Moreover, a woman must look beyond the notion of an immediate family. The best part of marriage is nurturing and giving. A woman can give affection and care to anyone. She does not have to restrict herself to her immediate family.
Through rising singlehood, society is showing a different way of life. It is showing that patriarchy and sexism are no longer viable. There are several identities that are seeking to find a place in society. Singlehood is one of them.
If you’d like to pick up Demystifying and Dignifying Singlehood: Life Journeys of Single Women Across the Globe by Uma Jain, use our affiliate links at Amazon India, and at Amazon US.
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Image source: a still from Piku, and Book cover Amazon.
It is an axiomatic truth that every woman inherently possesses a few skills and qualities. However, owing to the rough and tumble of daily life, these are rarely able to surface. More so in the case of the Indian Eve who are literally transformed into bonded labourers post marriage. Husband, home and kids become the pivot point of their existence. “Want to work? Be a teacher” This is the standard in our society
In this perspective the subtly feminist Bangla film boudi canteen is an eye-opener. The protagonist Poulami (Subhashree Ganguly), a teacher and homemaker rolled into one. she is an excellent and highly passionate cook . However she dreams of seriously adopting doing something she loves from the bottom of her heart. Her devoted and supportive husband Sourish (Parambrata) introduces her Bablu (Soham Chakraborty), the owner of a food delivery service.
Earlier Bablu was supplying to the company where Sourish worked. But due to some unavoidable circumstances his business went downslide. As a damage control measure Bablu ropes in Poulami temporarily. And things begin to look up once more.
Soon they enter into a partnership where she assumes the role of a master chef. Thus enabled Poulami is able to act as a pillar of strength for her spouse when he runs into a financial crisis.
Like a thorn in the flesh, Poulami’s sophisticated socialite mom-in-law Surbhi (Anusua Majumdar) – who heads an NGO – is disgruntled when she discovers about the side business ( incidentally Paulomi juggles with her school job as well). For the simple reason that she’d rather her bahu do something more classy so that she can brag about it to her peers.
Eventually the younger lady is able persuade Surbhi (who is uncomfortable about her middle class past) that cooking ( read catering) is a dignified occupation as any other and lucrative as well. The film ends with the family of three determined to live happily ever after
Marriage is often described as the joining of two individuals’ bodies, minds, and souls. Upon getting married, you are expected to share everything with your partner, including time, money, and all other aspects of life. Your life should revolve around your spouse from beginning to end.
But is it necessary to spend every waking moment with the spouse? Are you not supposed to have a life apart from your spouse? And do these rules apply only to women or men as well?
Although both men and women may face this situation, women are generally expected to give up everything once they get married. Despite progress in several areas, expecting women to abandon their interests, passions, and friendships to align their lives with those of their spouses is still considered the norm.
However, this is not only unfair but also unjust. Why should anyone give up on their individuality just because they are married?
As a woman, you have to maintain your independence no matter what. There are many reasons for that-
Self-identity: Individuals are born with a unique identity that distinguishes them from everyone else. However, it takes effort to maintain that identity. This is particularly applicable to women once they get married. They need to ensure that they are known not just as someone’s wife but as an individual with their own identity. They must retain a sense of self that is distinct and separate from their role as a spouse.
Personal fulfilment: It is a common practice in our society to expect women to let go of their interests and hobbies once they get married and instead adopt their husband’s interests. However, this is unfair and unrealistic and should not be accepted. Everyone has a unique set of goals, passions, and interests, which should not change due to marriage. Therefore, women must keep their passions separate and alive even after marriage. Pursuing one’s interests gives a sense of achievement and fulfilment, leading to overall happiness and satisfaction.
Psychological well-being: Having personal space, time, and freedom can go a long way in promoting mental and emotional well-being. When you have time in the day to do what you want with no questions or judgment, it will give you a sense of control over your life, thus contributing to your mental health.
Balancing relationships: Life is all about balancing different aspects, which also holds for relationships. For a relationship to be healthy and long-lasting, people need to balance independence and togetherness. Excess of anyone can be a recipe for disaster. A healthy balance will allow for individual growth and encourage mutual respect, trust and support.
Preventing over-dependence: Maintaining independence in any relationship helps to avoid excessive reliance on the spouse for emotional or financial needs. When you rely excessively, you overlook your abilities and strengths, which can become frustrating in the long run.
Healthy relationship boundaries: For any relationship to thrive, fixing and communicating boundaries is essential. Boundaries ensure that both partners have personal space, decision-making autonomy and freedom to pursue their interests and passions.
Long-term Happiness: Studies have shown that relationships where partners maintain a sense of independence lead to greater satisfaction and happiness. Over-dependence, in the long run, can become toxic and may lead to the end of the relationship.
Considering independence is so crucial for a relationship to survive and thrive, both partners, especially women, need to find ways to do that. Our research shows that the following can be some of the ways-
Keep an open communication with your spouse: The first step towards maintaining independence is open and free communication. A woman should be able to communicate to her spouse the need for her to have her space, time and freedom.
Set boundaries: Establishing clear-cut boundaries and expectations regarding personal time, friendships, career goals, and hobbies is critical. Once these are set and communicated, it gives partners the liberty to have equal opportunities for growth and fulfilment.
Personal time is important: No matter how busy you may be, a woman should always allocate time for her hobbies and interests separate from those of her husband. This will help in maintaining a distinct identity in the relationship.
Maintain your friendships, the sisterhood that supports you: Most women abandon their friends and family after marriage. Never do that. Preserve your friendships and relationships, which will help you unwind and give you a time out from your spouse and marriage.
Pursue personal goals: Having and pursuing your personal goals and aspirations is critical for the health of a relationship. Whether it is furthering your education, pursuing a career or developing a passion, you must give yourself time, freedom and opportunity to pursue your dreams.
You should have decision-making autonomy: There should be certain areas of your life over which you have complete control and can make independent decisions. That will boost your confidence and give you a sense of self and individuality. You could take input from others, but the ultimate decision should be yours.
Continuous self-care: While caring for her family, a woman should never stop caring for herself. As they say, Charity begins at home. She must focus on her physical, emotional and mental health to maintain a sense of well-being, which can go a long way in helping her maintain her independence.
Reflect on and make sure your needs are met: it is always a good idea to take time out to reflect on your needs, desires and ambitions and how close you are to them. Taking stock of things always helps in knowing where we stand and where we want to be. If one has an open mind, there is always a chance for course correction.
If you follow these simple tricks, you can go a long way in becoming the kind of person you would love to become- Confident, independent and happy!
Published here first.
Image source: YouTube/ still from Cutting Chai / Modern Love Mumbai
“It’s a sunny day”, she thought as she opened her eyes. The new yellow curtains made the room even brighter. She turned aside, closing her eyes tightly, trying to sleep back. “I hate this place”, she thought. “I miss my friends”, she sighed.
“Bhanuuuuuu…..it’s 10’o clock. Why are you still sleeping??”, she heard her mom scream from a distance. ‘Arrgh! no peace. What am I gonna do waking up anyway”, she thought and got up.
As she got ready and was having the boring idli…. thinking who the hell invented it, her dad walked in. She looked at him and he turned his face away. Her eyes welled up… full of tears.. “When are you going to talk to me again dad!”, she thought sadly. Her best companion and the one person she loved the most hasn’t been talking to her for a week now. It felt even more lonely in this new place.
She wiped her tears, pushed the remaining food down her throat, and was about to go back into her room, when she heard her dad say, “I’ve enrolled you in the computer classes. You can go from tomorrow”. Her eyes went wide, she looked at her dad and whispered, “Thank you!”
She went into her room and smiled heartily. She gets a chance again to study, to make a future that her dad would be proud of. She clearly remembers the disappointment in his face when the medical entrance results came out last week. He had such high hopes for her… she could see his face so sad, and she would never forgive herself for not studying harder.
“Now! I’ll turn it all around”, she was determined.
It’s 6 am and she couldn’t sleep any longer. She jumped out of bed, got ready in a jiffy and stepped out of her room.
Her mom gave her a surprising look.. “The class is a 9 am. You have two more hours to go. Come and help me in the kitchen”, she said. The girl looked away….she hated cooking and cleaning. “I’m meant for better things”, she believed.
She sat down with the newspaper….but she wasn’t reading anything. She finally gets to go back to class, learn new things and do so well that her dad would be happy with her again.. That’s all that mattered.
Her mom handed her a plate of food..and she ate it calmly. She didn’t mind the idli today at all.
It was 8.30 and her dad said, “Shall we go?”. She got on to the bike and they went straight to the computer class. Her dad took her inside, introduced her to the manager and went back.. She felt so nervous.. she hates new places.
At 12, she stepped out of class, smiling wide. She had a great time, she learnt a lot of things, she was the first to answer in class… she felt confident and happy. She started walking back thinking about the homework and all the extra stuff she was going to read for tomorrow’s class.
It was mid-day and the sun was shining bright and hot. It didn’t bother her much though. She stood at the junction waiting for the signal to turn green so she could cross the road.
She watched the vehicles pass by and noticed a red, sleek bike dashing through. she loved the bike…what beautiful color, she thought. The hands holding it..in a brick-red cotton shirt, were strong and hairy.
She looked up….and there he was…..staring back at her.
Her heart skipped a beat…”How handsome!”, she thought. A white t-shirt and that brick-red shirt on top of it.. unbuttoned, the guy looked increasing attractive. It felt like a warm familiar face, she couldn’t help smiling at him.
The guy was staring at her….there she was…the most beautiful girl he has come across… The black polka dress is making her look even more radiant. She’s tall and slim with such beautiful black eyes. Her face looks so calm and her smile so warm, he was totally captivated by her.
With horns so loud, he came back into the world and looked around. He moved his bike and looked back to find her… but she was nowhere to be seen.
…..To be Continued
Hiatus
a dramatic pause
a break in the happy humdrum
and the heart lay shattered
fearing the tomorrow
she retraced in the
dark well of the unknown
night which wasn’t leading to the sunrise
what to do? what not to say?
silence descended and she lost her voice
all around things seemed normal
a furtive glance outside that
numbing space revealed that
life goes on
be in that pause if you must
take your time
find that comfortable moment
peep out and return when you want
the shattered heart is healing with time
don’t hurry for there is nothing to burry
but thy sorrow and grief
dramas will endure
so must your courage
little girl, go on, find that spark
even in that pause
smile and emerge from that hiatus
into a happy cacophony of the superficial
mingling with the essential drama of life
smarter, braver you
feel the magic in the mundane
go on, little heart, peep out
assume your identity and be that
big toughie with a discerning eye
to filter the faux and the real
be you, just you
raw and real.
Kissing has always hooked Indians irrespective of the age group people belong. As a kid, I remember watching it as a depiction of “brushing together of flowers” in Hindi cinema.
The flowers acted as masks keeping the secrecy behind the lip -to-lip art. Then came Eastman colour that showed couples running behind the trees making me wonder how could the actors take “Nature’s call” so seriously in between the filming of a scene? I recollect standing in front of our TV, tilting my head, moving my feet sideways to catch on the scene behind the trees and getting a smack from my sister in return for trying to figure out things that came with UA certification. Though the censor board lived up to the national interest owing to the primitive audience, curiosity killed the cat.
The cult movie Titanic and the Jack and Rose kiss on the bow surrounded by the open and enchanting sunset seduced most of the Indian viewers way back in 1997, and after that, it suddenly became a benchmark with everyone floored by the superstar’s enigma.
But, with the arrival of millennium, our desi Emraan Hashmi dethroned Jack Dawson and found a match like Rose, in multiple films of his and went on becoming the ‘kissing king’ of Bollywood. Time and again he made the audience believe that if ‘Kissology’ was a subject, he would be the topper. Secretly, his art became a hidden pre-requisite for people in their adolescence years.
On one of my regular school days, I remember one of my fellow batchmate going hysterical after watching Murder in 2004 and dishing out the details in a hush-hush tone about FK. At first, I thought it is Fardeen Khan, he being the ‘national crush’ of girls at that time, but then I realised she meant ‘French Kiss.’ It quite created a stir those days until Emraan Hashmi counted it as one of his bad kisses during one of his appearances on the show Koffee with Karan. That stems a recent display of kissing in traditional Indian weddings.
To go with the trend, is the recently wedded AAP member Raghav Chadha and Priyanka Chopra’s lesser-known sister cum Bollywood actress Parineeti Chopra. Well, Politics and films are partners not just for a reason but they rule in every season.
As soon as the kissing photo surfaced on internet, regardless of what the “yea-sayers” and “nay-sayers” had to say, I kept my fingers crossed hoping none from the crowd present at the event comes up with the quintessential slangs used in the nook and cranny of the country capital. Yes, one thing that is common in North-India is the variation in the slangs.
Jokes apart, with feminism apparently becoming the topic of discussion everywhere and women having a power to say NO, what if Parineeti changed her mind during the ceremony cause of experiencing a bad kiss with her beau, as on-screen, she has been a visual delight to us in many of her films.
Be it her or any other bride/groom for that matter, not every kiss ends with a good feeling. Many a times, I have thought of claiming a refund on my purchase over a bottle of Listerine mouth wash. What if the groom or bride forgot to use tongue cleaner in a hurry to get ready?
According to a survey of 1000 Americans conducted by American Dental Association, only half of the respondents clean their tongues daily. What if the groom smelt of garlic stuck between the teeth on the wedding day?
In many parts of India, wedding is all about fasting affair. Many take it as a fast to express gratitude to the God to have found their partner for life. What if the girl or boy took the fasting seriously and not consume even water resulting in xerostomia? What if the mouth has to pay for your previous night bachelor’s party?
Kissing is way more than what meets the eye. What if the photographer’s lens does not capture the perfect kissing angle and the crowd present there cheers aloud for one more time without their knowledge of you been blessed with a smelly partner?
Just imagine in a high-profile wedding, with the camera and videographer focussing on you and you turning around with a constipated smile to see nobody checking on you while you are busy doing your secret oral check. This makes me happy thinking that thank God! We are born middle-class.
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