Come February, we eagerly welcome the spring. The weather gets warmer, and the light breezy mornings and evenings bring a spring to our steps. With all this begins the festive fervor to welcome the vivacious festival of Holi. Alongside the zing and zeal, we welcome the season of board exams. The class X and XII graders are on tenterhooks as they prepare to sit for the crucial examinations. I describe from personal experience how the environment at home transforms. The children declare banishment to the study room, appearing only at meal times, disheveled and anxious. All socialization is banned for the entire period. Along with the immediate family, the extended circle of family and friends are also informed of the updated rules with special emphasis on how they will not be welcomed. Gadgets and technical support find better use than sharing reels and chatting.

As one kid is almost on the brink of college studies and the other is ready to foray into the working arena, my experience of the academic system has had its highs and lows. From learning to navigate through disruptive feedback in parent-teacher meets to developing acceptance as a tool to cope with the pressure of higher scores. Along with this one question has always nagged me, “If everyone has to be a topper then what about the others?” The looming gaps stare us in the face, those which the new education policy is perhaps trying to bridge. But the bridges are being built only at the school level. What about the bridges from school to college.

As a parent who has witnessed disappointment and confusion when my child moved from school to college, it has been a roller coaster. Every time the child’s enthusiasm dips, I would only wish for a way out. Nothing much happens that prepares a child for what college education is about. Hearsay and feedback from seniors aren’t of much value. Especially when we transcended into the new world during the COVID time.

What are these gaps –

Feedback Mechanism – platforms for feedback regarding the child’s progress are mostly limited to the parent-teacher meetings. When the educator has a queue of children and parents waiting at her desk, communication tends to happen under time constraints. I ended up shifting all onus and blame on myself and my child for not meeting expectations

The measure of Brilliance – despite all modifications and visionary policy changes, the measure of brilliance remains through numbers and marks. What about skill-based brilliance? What about sports brilliance? There are no strong foundations for children to move towards these avenues. Against this background, I as a parent was never confident of encouraging my child to experiment with alternate paths to grow and succeed.

Counseling – different education boards mandate the presence of counselors in the schools. The initiative is very good as it promotes inclusivity by bringing in children from diverse backgrounds, culturally as well as academically. However, the counseling carries the perception of only problematic children. No wonder, it becomes a taboo! What can the institution and society do to break this? Counseling is equally the need for a topper as it is for someone with special needs.

Aptitude Tests and Career Counselling – the children wait to reach grade 9 or 10 before they get exposure to career opportunities and related academic paths. As a parent, I feel the need for this exposure at least two years early. With the increased awareness children have, they are aptly placed to comprehend the information. It could be age-appropriate exposure that gradually becomes intensive. The same applies to aptitude testing. The aptitude tests my children went through were quite elaborate and delved into the strengths of the child too. however, if introduced a couple of years early, the awareness helps make several course corrections and enhances readiness.

Foundation Courses – lack of foundation courses at the school level that help a child decide on taking up the subject for college education. For example, my child wants to study Psychology in higher secondary. Her preparedness for the subject is based on the internet research she and I can effectively do. So practically we are decided to take up a study course about which she has no clue so far. I go crazy searching for foundation courses or study material that will give insight into the subject and what to expect. What is the possibility that the universities offer these as supplementary courses to be taken up during summer vacations or the schooling year if the child desires?

If the education system can create processes, even if optional to overcome the gaps, it will lessen the lack of direction a child may feel at a higher secondary or post-school level. There will always be a percentage of more aware, meticulously structured children. What about those who either do not have access to resources or lack the understanding and awareness to make decisions while in school? Being a mother to two children one from each of the aforementioned sides, I know what it feels like and what effort it takes to keep a balance. I’m quite hopeful of the change the New Education Policy promises, especially in creating flexibility in the choice of subjects and duration of acquiring a degree/diploma. More focus is needed on equipping children with skills that promise employability and productivity early in life.

Dysmneorrhea is a painful period and is often considered a misnomer with heavy bleeding. However, the fact is that the painful period is often associated with heavy bleeding in more than 95% of cases. On rare occasions, patients are observed to have scanty bleeding symptoms associated with dysmenorrhea pain.

Dysmenorrhea in the first few years of menarche is called primary dysmenorrhea. People do say this condition usually continues until the first pregnancy, rather than childbirth. Any other reasons that can lead to dysmenorrhea besides medical complications, including stress, are called secondary dysmenorrhea.

What happens during dysmenorrhea? The pain before and during the first two to three days of periods has been attributed to the cramping of the abdominal muscles, which is due to the incapacity of the muscles to be flushed liberally with blood and so scanty oxygen, leading to dehydration and pain called cramps.

Usually, doctors put people on pills. Yes, but of course, before reaching out to a doctor, it is best advised to make small lifestyle adaptations and find out for yourself the difference. Probably in four to five months, one may even forget the existence of pain. The reason is that the majority of women are forgetting the need for a healthy diet for the voluminous work that the womb does—preparation for bearing a child—and the need to flush it with nutrients and pamper your uterine muscles like a man will pamper his biceps!

After all, if a biceps needs so much, then why not a woman’s uterine muscles?

THE PILL is all that people wanted to know more about and the reason for the misnotion and chaos. I never wanted to know. Why? I believed that whatever tablet they are asking me to take—even paracetamol or chewing gum—I have, as a citizen of this democratic India, to file a FIR for being blackmailed and, if doped, a hurt and mischief complaint. But, when they spell the word “modus,”  this creates a stir because people are aware that they are asking to use this tablet as “THE PILL.”.

Let me make clear certain facts of “THE PILL”and the modus or “Hormone Tablets”!!!

I need to write this, and hopefully, I wish no more of this heated discussion around me to threaten abuse or the possibility of being abused, please!

“THE PILL” are the contraceptions that are also made of the same hormones called the sex hormones; they can be “THE MALE PILL or THE FEMALE PILL.”. Hence, accordingly, the pills are made of sex hormones of single type or in combination that, in dosages used, will not cause harm or alter the natural hormonal balance in the body to cause medical complications, unlike the misuse and abuse of HORMONE TABLETS that will cause serious medical complications, including death.

Let me write in this blog more about THE PILLS, as I have already written about the hormone tablet in my previous blog:

There are nearly 16 different ways of effective contraception method for a couple who do not prefer to have a baby and want to adopt. All they need to do is discuss their doubts, anxieties and needs to a good health practitioner, preferably an andrologist or a gynaecologist. This is the couple’s choice to decide with the physician and it is between the couple to decide as to who will go for the contraception. Why public or employer or a brahmin or an authority?

With the advent of technology and racing with time, stress is the buzz word. As the reproductive age spans from 15 to 49 years, adolescent maternity and late maternity are on the rise, both of which are prone to and cause an increased maternal death rate when the pregnancy is unplanned. So the Government of India has dedicated this year, April 11, to National Safe Motherhood Day, to reducing maternal deaths. While they discuss women’s reproductive rights being violated by refusing to prescribe contraception when unmarried and/or without husband, this is also the right of the women to refuse to use such “pills” for the needs of employers and peers or for any other reason, including on a married woman by her own husband without her consent, which is equivalent to marital rape.

Talking about THE PILL:

There are two types of THE PILL: regular monthly contraception and the emergency pill.

The Regular Monthly Contraception:

These will include the use of daily pills, which can be made of progesterone alone (POPs, progesterone patches, or lotions) or combination drugs like Mala-D. However, gone are those days, and the contemporary trend is to use spacing contraceptives as tablets (non-hormonal, Chhaya) or injectables (hormonal, injectable contraceptive, MPA). Besides, there are a number of pills that are hormones and are used as oral contraceptives to prevent pregnancy, but they come in packs that are designed for contraception. These pills, thus, will not cause overdosage as they will be administered in synchrony with the natural cycle without impacting the hormonal balance.  These pills are of three types: monophasic, biphasic, and triphasic, based on the amount of progestin and oestrogen they release in a day.

Emergency Contraception:

These are the pills that are used when regular contraception fails or unexpected and unprepared sexual intercourse has happened, which can lead to an unwanted pregnancy. There are a range of these pills available on the market, and they work to prevent pregnancy when consumed within 12 to 72 hours, the maximum, soon after the “unexpected moments.”.

How do I conclude this topic? I wonder: Is it possible that you can change your opinion after reading this for an open-minded and casual direct discussion if you want one? Is this possible if you will learn to ask me if you are curious, learn manners, and not commit crimes by misusing these kinds of pills for your doubts and gossips because someone will get a handsome chap as a probable husband? Is it possible that I imagine that Modus or THE PILL are not cultural stigma products but chemicals used only in treatment? Is it possible that I imagine that you will stop blasphemy in the name of your religion, Hinduism, to increase the market value of these products or make you answer my questions?

Progesterone is produced as a tablet. This is a steroid tablet and is used as a drug to go “high”—anabolics.
But what is the real implication of this drug in our lives? We need to know more.

” I don’t think people know how hard it is not to conceive and how well planned we are?!” Hansa retorted. This was the first time she had replied so bluntly to her mother. But, she was forced to do so.
Hansa had been married for four years and she had a vision of her own. Her mother had been part of this vision prior to her marriage, but as time went by her mother began to fall into the pressure of their relatives and neighbours. On the other hand, most of Hansa’s husband’s family members knew her and never asked about “the good news” or “the arrival of a new member into the family”.
From childhood, Hansa always had been focused. She was always academically oriented and chose her steps very carefully. She could neither be intimidated by overpowering relatives nor discouraged by her poor economic status. In fact, it was these very factors that kept her driven. She earned enough from her scholarships right from her teenage years, to support her supportive family. Later, she was even offered an international scholarship, but refused it, so that she could physically be there for her family when they needed her.
She got married to Fayaz, the true love of her life. They had not only exchanged their ideas but also promised to help each other reach their respective goals. Although both of them had their own inclinations, they ensured that it did not interfere with their family life. This meant that they were extra careful when planning for a child.
But, the people around them seemed not to understand. Initially, it was just friendly enquiries about their “plans”. As time went by, the enquiries turned into suggestions which then metamorphosed into ‘duas’ and prayers. Every family gathering became an unbearable venture for Hansa, especially. Women were more intent at finding whose “incapability” was responsible for such a “misfortune” in their life. In the first two years, Hansa’s family supported her decision unconditionally. By the third year, her mother seemed perturbed by the relentless enquiries of even acquaintances. Even Haneefa, the usually calm, older sister of Hansa seemed irked by her inquisitive neighbours.
So, now Hansa was forced to give an explanation that she and her husband had to be careful not to bring forth a life onto this earth till they were completely prepared for it. They knew very well that they were against the Indian community’s solid beliefs. Usually, new couples blame fate and bring forth a child, hardly ready to take up the responsibility or exalt God but secretly blame everyone else and ‘somehow’ accommodate the little being. But, both Hansa and her better half wanted to take the plunge only when they had reached their goals.
Now, she was sure that her mother would understand them. She knew that the time, energy and effort that she had invested to become an officer in the civil service cadre was something she would never regret. Meanwhile, her husband too, had been working hard to direct his first film. Their dreams could not be buried or forgotten to give in to the pressure of the society and its senseless ways. They very well knew how much care and time was required for a child and its upbringing. They had seen the struggles of their siblings and friends.

How is it to be married to a feminist man?

1. Whoever gets up first in the morning (or after an afternoon nap) makes the coffee.
2. When I go on my trips, I do not ask him questions about the kid’s meals, school or her general well-being. He makes sure that the kid gets a nutritious lunch box and other meals. He takes care of the school stuff and permissions and other things like homework, prepping for tests etc. He does not call me to ask for where things are or what to do as far as the kid is concerned
3. I don’t search for his stuff (socks, shoes, shirts, t-shirts, or anything else). If he has misplaced it, he will find it.
4. I don’t pack his bag for his travel. He does.
5. We make the decision on what to make for meals either jointly (especially on weekends or holidays) or whoever is working in the hall (usually him) makes the decision when the cook aunty comes.
6. He takes care of his parent/grandparent and I am a support. I take care of my mother and he is a support. So any hospital stays for his mom, he does. I do that for my mother.
7. He orders provisions from the shop and does not expect me to do that every time he needs something.
8. We jointly plan for vacations and make bookings.
9. He does not expect me to turn up for all the family functions on his side of the family. I extend him the same courtesy.
10.  We clean the kitchen together.
11. When the household help is not available, we divide chores equally among us.
12. When I am wondering if it is okay to travel so much for work, he tells me that my work is important and helps me overcome the guilt.
13. When someone says “You allow your wife to….” He says “My wife does not need my permission”. He behaves also that way… it is not just words.
14. When I say “As a man you have the privilege of…” He says “Let us talk this through. Let us see how we can make this equal.” Because there is still work to be done in being equal.

This is a working list. Will keep adding to it.

Do you also have a feminist man at home? And if yes, what is it to be married to him? Do share.

Image source: YouTube/ a still from Ajun Kay Hawa?

As the plane touched down on the bustling tarmac of Delhi, a cocktail of anticipation and nerves bubbled within me. This journey was no ordinary visit; it was a pilgrimage of the heart, seeking to knit a bond of intimacy with my mother-in-law that transcended miles, cultures, and perhaps, even silent expectations.

In the twenty-three years since I married her son, our relationship had comfortably settled into a courteous, albeit distant, politeness. Yet, embarking on this visit alone, without her son by my side, I was daring to tread uncharted waters.

My husband, ever the voice of reason, had cautioned me about the exhausting journey ahead. “She’s expecting to see her grandchildren, not just you,” he had remarked, half in jest, half in warning. Despite his words, a stubborn resolve had taken root within me. It wasn’t just duty that propelled me to her doorstep; it was a yearning for something more profound, more meaningful, more intimate with my mother-in-law.

The welcome was as warm as it was awkward. Our greetings, polite yet strained, danced around the years of formal interactions. Yet, beneath the veneer of customary exchanges, a silent hope flickered.

The silence that followed was loud, filled with the cacophony of everyday life outside the walls of the familial home I longed to belong to. It was amidst this backdrop of distant chatter and the relentless summer heat that a simple gesture of kindness became the bridge to our hearts.

Venturing into the kitchen in search of respite, I was struck by a profound realization. This house, steeped in memories and echoes of my husband’s childhood, held stories I had yet to discover, stories that belonged as much to me as to them.

Our initial attempts at conversation were tentative, tiptoeing around years of guarded politeness. It was the simple act of caring for my swollen feet, a tender ritual offered by my mother-in-law, that melted the barriers between us.

“Your feet… they’re still swollen from the journey, aren’t they?” she observed, her voice laced with a concern that felt new, yet deeply familiar.

“Yes, but it’s nothing,” I replied, brushing aside my discomfort with a smile. Yet, there was something in her gaze that beckoned me to let down my walls, to allow her into the vulnerability I had guarded so fiercely.

A few minutes later my MIL walked to me with a bucket of warm salt water for my swollen feet remedy. What she brought forth was more than a remedy; it was an offering of peace, an invitation to share in the intimacy of care and concern.

“You need to take better care of yourself,” she said, forcing my feet into that warm water tub and dabbing with the sponge cloth. “Long plane travel always makes your feet swell up, and I have noticed them every time.”

My eyes teared up, and I didn’t try to hide them.

As we exchanged stories and laughter, the roles of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law blurred into something far more precious. That what intimacy meant to me at that moment.

Our visit to the Kali Mandir the next day was a spiritual odyssey that wove us closer, binding us in shared devotion and wonder. Standing before the deity, her hand in mine, I felt a kinship that transcended blood, a bond forged in the fires of shared faith and understanding.

In the days that followed, we found solace in each other’s company, sharing tales of love, loss, and the myriad joys and trials of womanhood. Each shared secret, each shared meal, knitted us closer, revealing the strength and beauty of the woman who was not just my mother-in-law but was becoming so much more.

In just those few days, we found ourselves deeply engaged in meaningful conversations, exploring different food items, and empathizing with each other over the universal challenges women face at any stage of life. We discussed our partners openly – she spoke of her husband, and I, of mine, her son. There was a profound sense of understanding and shared experience between us, with no room for judgment. The saying “Child is the father of the man” resonated deeply, highlighting the ironic truth that children often reflect and carry forward the traits and legacy of their parents. It struck me how her complaints about her husband mirrored my own issues with mine, underscoring the repetitive patterns that span generations. It was both amusing and enlightening to hear my mother-in-law candidly critique her son, my husband, in our conversations. Our dialogue transcended the usual in-law boundaries, allowing us to share our life stories, fears, and dreams openly and without prejudice.

On the eve of my departure, we sat under the blanket of stars, the night air heavy with the scent of blooming jasmine. It was then that she spoke words that sealed our newfound bond, her voice a tender whisper in the night.

“I was afraid,” she confessed, “afraid of losing a piece of my son. But these days with you have shown me the depth of your love, for him and for us. You’ve brought us closer, not just as a family, but as women of strength and heart.”

Tears, unbidden, welled in my eyes as her words washed over me, a balm to the silent fears and yearnings I had held close. In her embrace, I found not just acceptance but a profound sense of belonging.

As I journeyed back, the miles stretching between us could not dim the warmth that now pulsed in my heart. We had transcended the boundaries of in-law and kin, weaving a tapestry of love and mutual respect that promised to endure.

Our story, a proof to the unexpected depths of intimacy and understanding, serves as a beacon of hope. It reminds us that within the complex dance of familial relationships, there lies the potential for extraordinary connections, for bonds that nourish the soul and endure beyond the confines of expectation.

Unless we as daughters-in-law accept our mothers-in-law as our own mothers, how can we expect to be treated as daughters?

In a bustling metropolis, two women embarked on a financial odyssey that would not only redefine their futures but also illuminate a path for countless others. This is the story of Anjali and Nidhi, whose lives, distinct yet intertwined, became a proof to the power of informed investing through mutual funds. 

Like Anjali and Nidhi, my journey into the world of investing began out of necessity. I still remember the day I realized that my savings account alone wouldn’t suffice for my long-term financial goals, sparking my interest in mutual funds as a more proactive approach to securing my future.

Confronting the Wage Gap and Longevity

Anjali’s Challenge: In the competitive realm of IT, Anjali faced the stark reality of the gender wage gap. Despite her talent and hard work, she saw male colleagues leapfrogging ahead in pay and positions. This disparity was not just a matter of fairness; it was a direct threat to her long-term financial security, especially considering women’s longer life expectancy.

The Mutual Fund Solution: Anjali turned to mutual funds as a strategic response. Investing became her way of bridging the wage gap, using the growth potential of mutual funds to prepare for a longer retirement period. It was a move towards equity, not just in terms of finances but also in personal empowerment.

Facing the gender wage gap firsthand in my career, I turned to mutual funds as a way to level the playing field. By carefully selecting funds that aligned with my risk tolerance and financial goals, I embarked on a path not just towards financial equity, but empowerment.

Navigating Career Breaks

Nidhi’s Dilemma: After welcoming her first child, Nidhi took a career hiatus, a decision that brought joy but also financial strain. This break highlighted her family’s vulnerability to single-income dynamics and the pressing need to secure a robust financial foundation.

The Mutual Fund Strategy: Mutual funds offered Nidhi a way to mitigate the financial impact of her career break. By starting with a balanced mutual fund, she found a way to grow her savings, leveraging the expertise of fund managers to navigate the markets, even as she focused on her family. 

Personally for me, taking a career break to focus on family was a decision that brought me joy, yet it underscored the importance of a solid financial plan. Like Nidhi, I found solace in mutual funds, starting with a balanced approach that allowed my savings to grow, even as I stepped back from the workforce.

Embracing Risk Aversion

Both Anjali and Nidhi exhibited a cautious approach to investing, a reflection of the broader trend of women’s risk aversion. Mutual funds, with their inherent diversification, provided a comforting balance of growth potential and risk mitigation. This alignment with their conservative investment philosophy was crucial, allowing them to step into the investing world with confidence. 

Initially, the fear of losing money kept me from investing. However, learning about the diversification mutual funds offered helped alleviate my fears. It was a reassuring discovery that investing could be tailored to my conservative risk appetite, encouraging me to take the first step into the investment world.

Pursuing Financial Independence

As their journey progressed, Anjali and Nidhi’s goals evolved. They weren’t just saving; they were building towards financial independence. Mutual funds, with their variety and flexibility, became integral to their strategy. Whether it was planning for their children’s education, securing a comfortable retirement, or ensuring they could stand on their own in the face of life’s unpredictabilities, mutual funds were the vehicle they trusted.

Inspiring Through Education and Empowerment

Their investment journey was as much about personal growth as it was about financial gains. Anjali and Nidhi became advocates for financial literacy within their circles, encouraging other women to embark on their investment journeys. They demystified mutual funds, sharing insights on everything from SIPs to tax-saving through ELSS, and the importance of choosing funds with a strong performance track.

Acknowledging Challenges and Making Informed Choices

Aware of the potential downsides—such as management fees, market volatility, and tax implications—Anjali and Nidhi approached their investments with eyes wide open. They understood that while mutual funds could mitigate risks, they could not eliminate them. This knowledge made them more discerning investors, always mindful of the balance between potential returns and inherent risks.

For me, financial independence has been a journey filled with both milestones and lessons. Each investment in a mutual fund has been a step towards not only securing my financial future but also gaining the confidence to make informed choices about my money. It’s a testament to how far I’ve come from my initial hesitations, inspired by stories like Anjali and Nidhi’s, and driven by my commitment to personal growth and empowerment.

What began as individual quests for financial security became a shared journey of empowerment. Anjali and Nidhi’s stories are not just narratives of personal success; they are blueprints for financial literacy and independence for women. Through mutual funds, they found a way to not only secure their financial futures but also inspire a movement, proving that informed investing can be both a path to personal growth and a bridge to gender equity.

Trigger Warning: This speaks of sexual abuse and grooming by someone in a position of power and may be triggering for survivors.

The noted Kathak exponent Pandit Birju Maharaj passed away two years back. His death affected me greatly because I had just become a student of kathak and the composition we were learning then was one of his. For the next couple of days, I let his baritone voice comfort me while I mourned the fact that I would never see him teach or perform live.

Then the allegations of sexual harassment started coming out, which left me stunned. There was no question of not believing the victims/ survivors. Anyone who understands how power dynamics work knows that the classical music and dance space offers immense scope for sexual abuse. As a woman and as a feminist, I offered nothing less than unconditional support to the women speaking up.

However, a large part of me was shattered

Shattered because realised I would never again be able to truly appreciate a phenomenal talent like him. The almost divine voice which took me to undreamt levels- how could that voice belong to a man who preyed on defenceless women? To me it seemed almost unfair that just when I had learnt to be truly mesmerised by someone, he was taken away twice- once through the death of his physical body, and then through learning about how he acted with women.

I struggled to reconcile the two aspects- the formidable talent who literally moulded kathak into its modern form and the man who took advantage of women in his charge. Separate the Art from the Artist, I repeatedly told myself. But it is so much easier to say it than to actually do it.

As a student of kathak, his name came up in almost every class. The compositions he wrote and sang, the innovative techniques he devised for teaching the basics, the simple descriptions which helped us get the right posture. It is almost impossible to stay in love with the dance form without encountering him everyday.

I recognised that he was not untainted, yet…

More than once, when I finally mastered something I was struggling with, I would glance up at his portrait seeking approval. Yet, whenever I did that, it would be with a twinge of guilt- was I complicit in the conspiracy of silence that protects sexual abusers?

I have pondered on this for two years and I still don’t have an answer.

At an intellectual level, I continue to stand by all I said two years back. Sexual abuse is rarely about sex, it is about power. When power dynamics are not equal, even a consensual relationship between two adults may not strictly be consensual. The victims deserve our nothing less than our unconditional support, and as a woman and a feminist I will not deny them that.

Yet, as a student of a classical art form of which he was the undisputed master, how can I ignore or deny the contribution he made?

Perhaps the best I can do is to continue to respect and be grateful for the immense body of work that Pandit Birju Maharaj left behind, while at the same time recognising that despite his almost divine talent, he too was human. And human beings are often flawed.