Making friends- Social media experiences

Posted: April 19, 2024

Many a times, in women gatherings, we discuss our experiences about “online friends’ in the social media. And it was intriguing that many of us could notice similar patterns of approach. Being a woman, obviously, I can only say what is endearing, annoying and irritating from a woman’s perspective. But I certainly hope that there would also be a man’s side of the story, which I am keen to learn. No doubt, there are many men, who are genuinely nice and cares for us, but nevertheless, I thought of penning few steriotypes that are usually found in social media, that leaves you sometimes annoying instead of being friendly.

Forgive me, but we could not but agree more, that there are few men who after getting their friend requests accepted they tend to take it in a literal sense and start acting like they have just been rejoined with their long lost friend (psychological move, I guess?!) And when you disapprove, you become their worst enemy.

Once I received a call at 10.30 AM when I was in a haste to go for wore at the other end asked, “enthundeda vishesham??” (What news in Malayalam, in the most cosy manner) (“Eda” has different meanings depending on context, and it is colloquially used by youngsters to address their very close friends and peers). I was dumbstruck. Who could be that close friend that I forgot so easily?! Many faces from my school and college days flashed through my mind and I felt guilty for not recognizing him. When I said, I could not recollect the voice, and he turned out to be a young lawyer whose request I had accepted just two days back. He literally said that he was just “catching up” with his friend. Not to mention, the number of “edas” in the conversation and inquisitions about minute details of my family, went beyond tolerable levels. When he was treated with cold responses, he retreated after showering the worst abuses at moi, labelling me the tag of the rudest person on Earth. (Well I dont mind being the rude one, but dont ask me about the abuses! Any way I had to block him off after saying the magic word, Get lost!

POV: Cool it guys, accepting friend request does not mean, you have been made her bestie and you can talk like one to her!!

Then the non stop chatters! The minute green light is lit, they jump in. No harm, those who are interested can engage in time pass. But it depends on the nature of persons as well. Basically I am not a chat person and I do not use messengers. Myself, being the most anti social element I have ever seen in my life, the lengthiest chat I can do is to wish some one Good night. For me, there are many other good things to do in social medias, like watching comedy reels to cool your head off, or play some random games rather than engage in boring chats with random persons. It took me sometime to realise that when you log in the chat light turns green and then you alert your “friends” that the traffic to your route is open. Honestly, its just green, because I have still not figured out how to turn it off (Once a tech savvy I was, now I am lazy even to study the settings.) If she talks, well and good, go ahead, but if she clearly gives you a signal that she is not interested, then I do not know why they take it up as everyday ritual of pokes and Hi’s to grab attention. Its plain irritating.

POV: Green light does not always mean she is ready to mingle.

The funniest thing that we women experience are the “caring” alphas, asking if you had tea, coffee, breakfast on time and what not, regularly with accurate precision of time. I just wish to say every time, ‘No man, I will send you my GPay, I am starving’ and then order a loadful at his expense. Jokes apart, I have always, wondered if every one had this much of time in their personal lives to ask their respective spouses or girl friends such questions, we could have avoided many break ups and family issues.

POV: Brutal it may sound, but the height of joblessness among men, can be found in the inboxes of random women.!!

I just want to convey that we do not become friends on the click of a button and every one should respect each others boundaries. There can be no forced friendships. A mere reply or a healthy conversation, is not a signal to barge into someone’s personal life or think that its a sign to start a real friendship or relationship. I beleive not all men and women on social media are here for loose talks. There are ways to be friends and my take is that it should be a connection of two minds and hearts that hold feelings for each other. Respect a ‘No’ as much as you respect ‘Yes’ Please dont think that I am against social medias and making “friends”. Its just that there is something that we should all understand and respect that friendships cannot be forcibly created, but it should happen on its own.

POV: Friendships happen, it cannot be created.

Then the passive mute spectators, no doubt, they are there for both men and women alike, who are there just to watch you. They have a microphone and recorder handy to capture the moments when you fall and spread the word.

POV- Not all friends are there to rejoice at your happiness or applaud you. Some are just there to see your vulnerable side and rejoice at your fall.

There are many whom we love, those who really do care for us and that goes to those who do not connect with us on social medias as well. Those who want to see you happy, those who can see and hear us through our silence. Those with whom, we may not even engage in chats or talks for months, but still catch up like we have just parted the previous day. And I am lucky to have those kind of people also around.

The lesson I learnt the hard way over the years, is not to sit around a table, with whom I am not comfortable with or where I am not accepted as who I am. So with age and maturity, I have just learnt to accept right people and avoid unwanted people and it applies to social media as well.

These are my three Golden rules

Learn to say NO, when your mind says NO

Learn to say WHO CARES? when you really dont care

Learn to say GET LOST when you dont need drama in your life!

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Just Do The Math, Is Even Trying For An IIT Really Worth It?

Posted: April 16, 2024

Imagine studying for 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 whole years for the JEE exam only to find out that there’s only a very, very slim chance of getting into an IIT. It is a fact widely acknowledged that the IIT-JEE is one of the toughest exams not just in India but in the whole world. Apart from IITs, the NITs and IIITs of India also accept the JEE scores for admission. There are said to be a total of 23 IITs, 31 NITs and 25 IIITs across the country.

Now, let’s first get a few facts about the IITs right. First, according to the NIRF rankings of 2023, only 17 IITs rank in the top 50 engineering colleges of India and only a few (around 5) IITs are in the list of the world’s top 100 engineering colleges. Second, the dropout rate of IIT-qualifying students stands at least at 20%, with reasons being cited ranging from academic pressure and unmanageable workload to caste discrimination and high levels of competition within the IIT.

So, it’s quite clear that the journey of making it through IIT is as challenging as the journey of getting into an IIT. Third and most important of all, the acceptance rate or the odds of getting into an IIT are below 3% which is a lot lower than the acceptance rate of highly and very highly ranked US universities. Four, getting into an IIT of one’s choice doesn’t mean one will also get into a branch of one’s preference at that IIT.

As for the NITs and the IIITs, according to the 2023 NIRF rankings, only 22 NITs were in the top 100 engineering colleges of India, of which only 11 were in the top 50, while only 3 of the 25 IIITs were in the top 100 engineering colleges of India while none was in the top 50. Besides, getting into an IIT (or an NIT for that matter) doesn’t guarantee job placement (or even graduation). In fact, IITs are facing a major job placement issue (if not a crisis).

Make an informed decision

The calculations that follow are not exact, but the purpose is to give the reader a rough but fair enough idea about the chances of making it to an IIT or NIT. In 2023, around 11 lakh unique students appeared for the JEE exam and there were around 17K seats in all the IITs and so, assuming that all these students wanted to get into an IIT as their first choice, the odds of getting an IIT seat were as low as 1.56% (that is, there was a nearly 98.44% chance of not getting the seat).

Similarly, for the same year, NITs offered near about 24K engineering seats, meaning that if students wanted to get into either an IIT or an NIT as their most preferred choices, then the chances of getting into either of the two were as low as 3.7% (which means a nearly 96.3% chance of not getting in).

When one realizes and understands how the odds are very much stacked against any student, is there a point in still pursuing these institutes so aggressively and spending so much of one’s valuable time, energy, money and efforts on not-at-all-easy preparations?

The rigorous preparations for cracking JEE for IIT certainly takes a toll on one’s overall well-being. Is there, then, any point in spending hard-earned money and savings or taking out a loan for IIT-JEE coaching classes? Also, taking admission into the “best coaching classes” doesn’t guarantee admission or a seat of your choice in an IIT or NIT. Then, sending children to a different city (or place) to study for IIT-JEE doesn’t really seem to be worth it at all. And, if spending tens of lakhs of rupees (on coaching in coaching institutes and other expenses for the IIT-JEE preparation) is the idea, then might as well complete the undergraduate studies from a better ranked university abroad.

What does the student really want?

Questions that are of far more importance and relevance here are:-

Is a student certain that engineering is what the student truly wishes to pursue?
Does the student really want to live away from home for IIT-JEE preparation or even while pursuing engineering?
Does the student feel that the student should compete for an IIT or NIT seat that there is a less than 5% chance of getting (or in other words, over 95% chance of NOT getting)?
Does one really find it worth it to spend lakhs of rupees on IIT-JEE preparations when the odds of getting into an IIT are so low?

Sure, children should be taught to aspire to be successful, but what everyone needs to understand here is that success can mean different things to different people – for someone, success might mean getting a dream home/car/job, while for someone it might mean getting a chance to serve the underprivileged, while for someone else it could mean feeling content and living a healthy life and for somebody else it could mean being able to pursue their hobbies to their heart’s content.

Today, you don’t have to be an IIT student to be able to do innovative research or to have your innovative solutions taken seriously. It’s, thus, important to consider other factors such as the location of college also while planning which colleges to aim for. Why not make life easier for the student and shift the focus of studies on engineering entrance exams where there are better chances of success and of getting into a college and branch of one’s liking? After getting into an engineering college, one can, then, choose the path of working towards pursuing a master’s degree from a university abroad that has a better ranking than the IITs and way better odds of getting into compared to an IIT or NIT. It’s so, so important to spread awareness regarding this among everybody. If you are reading this, please give it some thought.

It’s always better to take well-informed decisions and think properly and thoroughly before getting into something as intensive and demanding as the JEE exam studies and preparations. And so, it’s crucial to teach children that IITs aren’t the only way to achieve whatever dreams a child may have and that there are multiple paths that can lead to a successful, happy and comfortable life. The idea of this post is not to discourage anybody from achieving their dreams but for every one of us to realize that giving too much importance to one exam is not really fair and may not actually be in the interest of students and their career. Thus, JEE preparations for IIT may just not be the right or sensible choice for so many of us.

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Till death us apart

Posted: April 15, 2024

With you,
I felt like this is my conclusion.
I collected everything that I knew about you,
Your everything, favorites.
From coffee to food,from black to blues.
That how life is and how rain amuses you.
I ended up with a gist.
My heart added broken dreams to be with you,
Beautiful but empty home to live .
To met you was a tragic accident, I lost my heart.
Initially, I finalized to see your face and die.
But the end is more sad than a funeral.
The last days with you were life to me
Thinking about reincarnation,
I would just be in love to be with you or else there is no me in any parallel universe.
Meeting would make us more weak and timid of being together . You have always blaspheme your heart when you see me with a person. We couldn’t but only free fall in the embrace of peace,sanity and pure love. Love made me crawl for you,you cradled me with extreme care and beyond love.
Everyday with you has kept me lived happy
Our mutual murder has left me with the loss of words that I fail to express. Nothing can actually define the utter despair and depression, as I write with the audacity of being fragile and painful cold fingertips.
Being loved from being unloved is such a disaster.
As I stumble to write,I wipe my tears
Hoping to see you soon in life some other way.
Remaining yours,
Till death us apart.

-Randhir kaur

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Meet Dr Nalini Parthasarathi, A Beacon Of Hope For People With Hemophilia

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Tags:women in science

It is amazing when a person turns personal adversity into a calling, and extends empathy to make a significant impact in the lives of other people. This has been the life’s journey of Dr Nalini Parthasarathi.

April 17 is World Hemophilia Day. Dr Nalini Parthasarathi, 79, based in Puducherry has dedicated 30 years of her life caring for people suffering from hemophilia. She was honoured with the Padma Shri in 2023.

Hemophilia is a condition where one or more clotting factor is absent leading to bleeding. Severe cases can be life-threatening.

It was her poor health during her childhood and growing years that made Dr Nalini a compassionate doctor. She was hospitalized repeatedly and had multiple surgeries in childhood. She turned her adversity into an opportunity to help others.

An excellent student

Undeterred by her uncertain health, she was an excellent student both in school and college. “My poor health motivated me to become a doctor. Also, having met so many doctors through my childhood, I was naturally attracted to the profession,” she says. Completing her MD in pediatrics at JIPMER Puducherry, she worked there as a consultant.

“I looked after thalassemia and leukemia patients at the hospital. Since I was handling blood disorders, people started bringing their children with hemophilia to me. I underwent special training in pediatric hematology with special reference to hemophilia, maternal and child health and neonatalogy,” relates Dr Nalini.

She has practised as a pediatrician for 50 years. “I have always had empathy for my little patients because of my own illnesses in childhood. In fact, I know all about the families of my child patients,” she says with a smile.

Raising awareness

Her deep desire to help children and adults suffering from hemophilia led her to take voluntary retirement from JIPMER. She established the Hemophilia Society in Puducherry, of which she is founder-president. She was also instrumental in setting up the Hemophilia Society at Karaikal.

She has raised awareness about hemophilia in and around Puducherry. Thanks to her continuous efforts, treatments for persons with hemophilia are today available in Puducherry and Karaikal. For her contributions, Dr Nalini is fondly known as the ‘Mother Theresa of Puducherry’.

Dr Nalini has published more than 100 papers in national and international journals and conducted workshops all over India. She has contributed articles in newspapers and magazines on hemophilia. She has also participated in radio and television programmes.

A lack of the clotting factor in blood

“Not much was known about hemophilia in those days. It was known as a ‘royal disorder’ as many members of Queen Victoria’s family had the disorder. Hemophilia is a deficiency disease. There is one or more clotting factor in the blood that is absent in those suffering from the condition. So, when blood oozes it does not clot. Sometimes, for months together, bleeding continues. Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and women are usually carriers. Their male offspring have a 25% chance of developing the condition,” she explains.

According to statistics, around 1 in 10,000 people in India have hemophilia. But mild cases don’t come to hospitals. So, the reported figures are only the tip of the iceberg. In the all-India registry, only four lakh people with hemophilia are registered.

Bleeding can occur into joints, muscles, or organs like stomach or kidney. Hemophilia can often lead to emergency situations.

Making free treatment accessible

“We did not have proper investigation facilities at JIPMER to confirm the diagnosis for hemophilia. At that time, treatment also involved giving plasma and blood which in some cases led to the person contracting HIV,” she rues.

At that time, CMC Vellore had training facilities. JIPMER deputed a doctor and lab technician for training to CMC. They came back to set up a coagulation lab in JIPMER. “I learnt about the Hemophilia Federation India in Delhi which provides treatment by giving intravenous injections of the ‘clotting factor’. The medicine is very expensive and was imported at that time. A vial with 500 units costs Rs 10,000 today and is not available commercially.”

Dr Nalini started the Hemophilia Society, Puducherry chapter, informally in the early 1970s. Initially, she had 20 patients and the society was running from her office. Diagnosis and treatment (factor) are given free for all patients at our chapter.

Physiotherapy is an important part of treatment. Swimming and cycling are also good activities for those suffering from hemophilia. “If there is a family history of hemophilia, women should get tested before marriage. If one child has hemophilia, I tell women not to have a second child,” says Dr Nalini.

Voluntary retirement

JIPMER is a busy place and she could not do much for patients of hemophilia. “We went in a group to the Chief Minister and said we wanted to start a small centre. He gave us a small piece of land. In 2003, he requested Indian Oil Corporation (IOC) to build the centre for us with CSR funds. In 2005, we inaugurated our centre.”

Many philanthropists have offered financial assistance to run the Hemophilia Society at Puducherry. A US organization called ‘Save One Life’ gives scholarships to 40 children having hemophilia up to college level. Our society provides financial assistance to women from poor, underprivileged segments of society who have children with hemophilia.

Today, I have 300 patients. I have patients from the age of six months to 65 years! Mothers of hemophilia patients have formed a support group. We also have a youth group as some young patients have committed suicide causing alarm in the community.

Cherished moments

Children with hemophilia come crying to me in pain. When I give them the medicine, they go off to sleep. They get up and smile at me. Those are my most cherished moments.

I have lived alone in Puducherry for 50 years. I like the quiet atmosphere and friendly people. I enjoy the beaches. Of course, it has become crowded now.

As for the Padma Shri I received this year, I have dedicated it to the hemophilia community, especially my children with hemophilia.

Image source: YouTube

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India Inc. Needs To Address Needs Of Menopausal Women In The Workplace, NOW!

Posted: April 12, 2024

Tags:women at work women's bodies women's lives

Picture this: A seasoned executive at the peak of her career suddenly grapples with hot flashes and sleep disturbances during important meetings. She also battles mood swings and cognitive changes, affecting her productivity and confidence. Eventually, she resigns from her job.

Fiction? Not really. The scenario above is a reality many women face as they navigate menopause while meeting their work responsibilities.

Menopause is the time when a woman stops menstruating. This natural condition marks the end of a woman’s reproductive years. The transition brings unique physical, emotional, and psychological changes for women.

Beyond individual anecdotes, the statistics paint a stark picture. About a billion women around the globe are expected to experience Menopause by 2030. This is a sizable number. Yet, workplaces often relegate the needs of menopausal women to the sidelines.

Why India Inc can’t ignore the reality of menopause

Menopause is an inevitable biological event in a woman’s life. It typically occurs between the ages of 45 and 55. This coincides with the point when most working women are in senior leadership roles.

Menopause can significantly affect a woman’s physical health, mental well-being, and performance. Physical symptoms such as hot flashes, night sweats, and fatigue can disrupt daily activities. This makes it challenging for women to concentrate and stay productive at work. Emotional changes, including mood swings, anxiety, and memory problems, can erode one’s self-esteem. This may lead to decreased job satisfaction and performance.

To top it up, most women are unlikely to speak up about it! Despite its widespread prevalence, menopause is often viewed as a taboo subject. It is discussed in hushed tones or brushed aside altogether. This often leaves menopausal women feeling isolated, misunderstood, and unsupported. They may stop taking on additional work responsibilities and, in extreme cases, even drop out of the workforce.

Losing senior women talent can hinder companies’ DE&I and talent retention goals.

Where do organisations currently stand on menopausal support?

Several companies in India have started recognising the importance of supporting menopausal women employees. A leading MNC bank provides medical coverage and 24*7 access to doctor consultations for employees. A leading FMCG company is providing flexible work schedules for menopausal women.

These efforts are commendable. Yet, most companies lack comprehensive policies and programs tailored to support menopausal women. Male employers and colleagues may also lack awareness about the condition.

As a result, women feel reluctant to seek help for their symptoms. This often leads to underutilisation of available resources and support services.

Beyond medical coverage: How can India Inc. support menopausal women?

Medical coverage is a good first step. Companies also need to focus on holistic wellness programs. They need to address the physical, emotional, and psychological aspects of Menopause.

Access to mental health support services is crucial

Menopause often brings about significant mental health challenges. This includes mood swings, anxiety, depression, and difficulty concentrating.

Companies need to integrate mental health support services into their wellness programs. These services will help employees deal with the emotional aspects of Menopause. Access to coaching, counselling, and support groups for menopausal women will also help.

This proactive approach will also reflect a commitment to employee well-being.

Flexible work policies empower menopausal women

Flexible work arrangements allow women to manage their symptoms better. Options to adjust work hours, telecommute, or take breaks as needed can help ease the discomfort associated with Menopause. This will also allow employees to contribute effectively at work while caring for their well-being.

Some organisations have policies on remote work, flexible scheduling, or compressed work weeks. These initiatives help women maintain effective work-life balance during this significant transition.

Education and training break the taboos around Menopause

Menopause is often shrouded in societal taboos and misconceptions in India. Many women fear judgement or discrimination in the workplace. This makes them uncomfortable in disclosing their menopausal status.

Creating a culture of acceptance and support within organisations requires proactive measures. Strategies for reducing stigma include implementing training sessions, workshops, and informational materials that address common misconceptions and provide guidance for support.

Open dialogue and communication channels in organisations around Menopause can help normalise discussions. Sensitisation will also pave the way for a more supportive and empathetic culture.

Face the facts: Menopause is a reality that matters in the workplace

Menopause may significantly impact a woman’s career and mindset. Societal stigma and cultural taboos force many women to face these challenges alone in silence.

India Inc. needs to recognise the needs of women at this life stage. Open support and dialogue will help prevent the exodus of senior women talent and ensure workplace productivity.

Companies need to look beyond comprehensive medical coverage for menopausal women. Mental health support, flexible work policies, and workshops create an inclusive work environment. These measures also enhance employee well-being, productivity, and retention.

A culture of empathy and support at different life stages will make every employee feel valued, respected, and supported. This will also enable women to succeed and thrive in the workplace.

Image source: YouTube/ a still from Listen, Amaya

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Life is not so easy!!!

Posted: April 10, 2024

Tags:women at work women's bodies women's lives

Every woman holds her own narrative and engages in silent battles each day. Whether in personal or professional spheres, or within themselves, they persevere, wearing a smile despite the challenges.

My own story reflects my true essence. As the only child of supportive parents, I’ve been encouraged to pursue my dreams without constraints. I’ve been fortunate to choose my academic path, secure a job I love, and marry the person of my dreams.

However, my journey is not without its struggles. I’ve been grappling with PCOD for may years now, enduring silent pains that are hard to articulate. The relentless cycle of medications, treatments, and emotional turmoil is overwhelming.

Furthermore, experiencing three miscarriages in ten years of marriage has been devastating. The insensitive remarks of others, implying my fate is unfavourable without children, often bring me to tears. These words makes me breakdown a lot of times, but I still rise again and tell myself, I am very LUCKY to be independent, to have an amazing job, do what I like and I want to live for myself. I am unique, beautiful, strong & confident in my own way.

Even though, the world is growing and trending in all smart ways but the mindset of people in society still stands-still. This is the bitter truth most of us are facing but only few can able to fight-back. Lets support everyone in every possible way by encouraging & motivating the women to grow and reach great heights.

Many women face similar challenges, weighed down by societal pressures. But let’s remember our capabilities and advocate for ourselves. Stand tall and proud, for our actions and accomplishments speak volumes.

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A Cake, A Gathering, and the Power of Connection

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Tags:women at work women's bodies women's lives

There’s a certain authenticity in creating meaningful moments for others, especially when circumstances challenge our ability to connect. This authenticity resonated deeply when our neighbors graciously extended an invitation to celebrate their birthday. However, life threw us a curveball as a sudden cold and congestion left us unable to accept their kind gesture.

Fueled by a desire to make amends and spread some joy, I resolved to host a heartfelt gathering at our home once my health improved. With each ingredient carefully selected, I poured my heart into baking a homemade cake, knowing it would serve as a symbol of our genuine apology and warm welcome.

As our neighbors arrived, their eyes sparkled with surprise and gratitude at the sight of the lovingly crafted cake and the inviting atmosphere enveloping our home. Despite the initial setback, the air was charged with hope and friendship, an evident to the power of genuine connection.

While my husband tended to the finer details, setting the table with care and ensuring every aspect was just right, our son’s playful tunes on the piano added a touch of magic to the celebration, filling the room with a sense of warmth and familiarity.

Gathered around the table, we shared stories, laughter, and slices of the homemade cake, each bite a reminder of the care and thoughtfulness behind its creation. As we raised our voices in a heartfelt rendition of “Happy Birthday,” the room was filled with a sense of unity and joy.

In those fleeting hours, amidst the laughter and shared memories, I couldn’t help but feel a profound sense of gratitude for the opportunity to make a difference in someone’s day. It was a reminder that even in the face of adversity, simple acts of kindness have the power to uplift spirits and bring people together in unexpected ways.

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Neena’s Confidante

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Tags:women's voices

Neena inhaled the aroma that emanated from the pan and took a deep breath. The aroma of cumin interspersed with butter transported her back to the modest kitchen in her native village. She could picture her father standing in the kitchen wearing his white crisp kurta as he made delectable concoctions for his only daughter.

Neena grew up in a home where both her parents worked together in tandem to keep the house up and running. She had a blissful childhood in her modest two-room house. The house was small but every nook and cranny gave her memories of a lifetime. Neena’s young heart imagined that her life would follow the same cheerful course. But how wrong she was!

When she was sixteen, the catastrophic clutches of destiny snatched away her parents. They passed away in a road accident and Neena was devastated. Relatives thronged her now gloomy house and soon it was decided that she should be married off.

Neena wanted to study further but she had little say in the matter. With her parents gone, she had to concede to her uncles’ decision. After all, by getting her married they could get rid of the responsibility of a young girl. So, at sixteen Neena found herself married to Sunil.

In the beginning, Sunil was good to her. He was kind to her and it seemed to her that probably he loved her. But within months of them getting married, slowly, and steadily he changed. He would shout at her at the drop of a hat. If the food was not to his liking, he would yell at her. If she forgot to iron his shirt, he would go berserk. Things that looked trivial to her created turbulence in Sunil’s demeanour.

“Why are you standing here like a rock? The food will not cook itself. I am already late for work.” Sunil’s harsh words shook Neena from her reverie and brought her to her present- A present which was not pleasant.

Over the years she had grown accustomed to Sunil’s jibes. He had anger issues and Neena would be at the receiving end of his nasty outbursts.

There were just three people who resided in the humble second-floor apartment. One of the corner bedrooms was inhabited by Sunil’s ninety-year-old grandmother Sumitra Devi. ‘Amma’ as she was addressed by Neena and Sunil, Sumitra Devi was a frail old woman who could hardly walk. She would be on her bed and age had shrivelled away her memory. She mostly rambled incoherent sentences and Neena was the only one who could understand her gestures and garbled sounds.

As soon as Sunil left for work, Neena took a loud sigh. She could now stop walking on eggshells. But before sitting down with a much-deserved cup of coffee, she had to tend to Amma. Neena was the sole caregiver of Amma and though one would think that Amma was dependent on her, Neena felt otherwise. Amma was Neena’s lone companion in the corner second-floor apartment. Each day after Sunil left for work and she had to help Amma with her chores, Neena would ramble on and share with Amma her anguish and all that ailed her being. She would even outpour her dreams and fears to her unsuspecting nonagenarian grandmother-in-law.

Today too, like every other day, with dexterous precision she began feeding Amma her morning breakfast. Dabbing her face time and again with a damp cloth, she fed small morsels of porridge as Amma stared at her with a faraway look in her eyes. As always Neena began her soliloquy of sorts, “Amma, you know what? Today the tenth exam results were announced. And this time too amma, girls outshone the boys. I saw the pictures of the girls. They were beaming with pride and happiness.” Neena spoke animatedly and suddenly turned pensive. She paused as she waited for Amma to swallow the small spoonful of porridge. Making Amma eat was akin to making a one-year-old eat. It was marked with constant instructions of Neena uttering, “Chew amma, yes chew slowly.”

At times amma showed extreme displeasure and would not open her mouth. On such days, Neena would take Amma out in the residential park. There sitting underneath the sturdy Gulmohar tree amma would- after much cooing and cajoling – eat her breakfast. The two women would sit, one blabbering away to glory and the other mumbling gibberish. People passing by would peek at them- some with prying curiosity while others with a sense of fascination. Some would even look at Neena woefully with pity in their eyes. Yet little did they know that for Neena the time spent outside the four walls of her house was much cherished. The house where Neena had been living since she had gotten married fifteen years ago, was a constant reminder of Sunil’s aloofness and contempt. An air of sullenness hung large in the air and Neena was more than happy to step away from it.

Today though amma behaved like an obedient child and gaped at her as Neena rambled on.

“Amma, you know what, I was in grade ten when I lost Ma and Papa. I had been looking forward to appearing for my board exams. But…then suddenly I found myself a married woman. How things would have been if Ma and Papa had not left me. Maybe I would have been a smart and educated memsaab, like our neighbour Anjali.” Neena could not help but smile as Amma looked at her quizzically. Many times Neena felt that Amma was listening to her with rapt attention and was actually nodding along.

She continued, “Yes amma, just like Anjali. She works in a bank and have you seen how she carries herself? She walks with an air of elegance. I think earning your own money gives you that confidence.” Neena retorted with vehemence.

But the very next moment her voice fell. “Then what do I know? I have never stepped out and done anything worthwhile. You know amma, many times I thought of inviting Anjali home over lunch or dinner. How fascinating it would be to listen to her talk. But then, you remember how Sunil shouted at me and asked me to stay away from these feminist kinds.”

Just then amma snorted.

“Oh, look at me going on and on,” Neena at once patted Amma’s back and got up to get water for her. At times she wondered if not for Amma who would she have talked to? She knew everyone in the housing society she had been staying in for the better part of her life. Yet no one could cross the boundary of acquaintance and waddle in the waters of friendship. Neena often looked at Amma wistfully. She had been told by Sunil how Amma used to be a firebrand of a woman before Parkinson’s and old age withered her spirits and body. Neena came to know from Sunil that Amma was a nurse back in the day. She would tell Amma often, “Amma how great you would have felt to be able to live your life like that. To be able to decide the course of your life…”

Many times, Neena pushed a pen and a diary towards Amma hoping that she might scribble something. Sometimes amma would pick up the pen and scrawl something. But it was never legible enough to read. Neena still persisted, in a faint hope that maybe someday she might have a two-way conversation with her only confidante. But all she could ever get were zig-zag lines and indecipherable words.

***

Days elapsed and while the nights seemed shorter, afternoons dragged at a dreary pace for Neena. On one such day, Neena woke up with a start. Yawning with an air of languor still clutching her body, she stood up from her queen-sized bed. She suddenly remembered what she had dreamed in the wee hours just before reality took hold. The sheer remembrance made her smile. Next to her Sunil snored blissfully. She sighed. She silently hoped for him to sleep a bit more. More sleep left him with less time to bombard her with vicious insinuations. With slow yet steady steps, she reached Amma’s room.

“How did you sleep amma? I had such strange dreams. I saw that I was wearing a pantsuit and attending a meeting. Can you imagine me doing that?” Neena went on while pouring water into Amma’s copper bottle. As she turned around, she saw Amma’s face. At once she felt something was amiss. Amma’s eyes were closed and her face had a white pallor.

“Amma….” Neena shrieked and ran towards her bed.

As she touched Amma’s forehead, she knew.

An errant tear at once made its presence felt on her left cheek. She was too stunned to move. A couple of minutes elapsed. Slowly she wiped her face and collected herself. She needed to tell Sunil. But just as she was about to pick herself up, her eyes strayed towards something next to Amma’s bed. A red-colored folder sat next to Amma’s pillow. Neena’s hand shivered as she opened the folder. It had a stack of papers. A few minutes went by before she could read what was written in those papers. When reality hit her, she sat there transfixed. These were the papers of Amma’s old ancestral house. Amma had left the sole ownership of the house to Neena.

Next to the folder was the diary that Neena had bought for Amma. It was the same diary that Neena had handed over to Amma many times, to hear from Amma but to no avail. Overcome with emotions, Neena picked up the diary as it was symbolic of their silent conversations over the years.

As she turned the pages with grief writ large on her face, Neena’s eyes fell on the last page. She stared incredulously at it as tears enveloped her vision. The letters though looking like a kid’s mindless scribblings, were legible enough to be understood.

“Study Neena. Become a memsaab.”

Wiping her tears, Neena couldn’t stop herself from replying, “Yes amma, I will …I will.”

The morning sun rays peered through the open window, at once drowning the room in its soft refulgence.

Image source: Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash

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A Conversation With Author & Publisher Niveditha Louis

Posted:

Tags:women's voices

“I usually write during night”, says author Nivedita Louis during our conversation. Chuckling she continues,” It’s easier then to focus solely on writing. Nivedita Louis is a writer, with varied interests and one of the founders of Her Stories, a feminist publishing house, based in Chennai.

In a candid conversation she shared her journey from small-town Tamil Nadu to becoming a history buff, an award-winning author and now a publisher.

From working in railways to curating heritage walks

Nivedita was born and raised in a small town in Tamil Nadu. It was for schooling that she first arrived in Chennai. Then known as Madras, she recalls being awed by the city. Her love-story with the city, its people and thus began which continues till date. She credits her perseverance and passion to make a difference to her days as a vocational student among the elite sections of Madras.

“I was happy, I could mingle with likeminded people because there were other vocational batches as well and we were mostly from ordinary backgrounds. And when someone transports you to a place where foreign vacations, English fluency are the norm, it changes and shapes a lot of perspectives. It kind of gives you the drive to succeed, to do more, and make it and this thought made me, I would say.”

Following her schooling her placement for Railways was delayed during which she did many odd jobs from being a dance teacher, to selling sarees. “I was not someone who could be quiet, and then I got my appointment and joined the Railways, where I worked for seventeen years. And there were varied experiences during my work when I worked at goods shed, booking office and even one-man stations where I will be the only person running the ticket counter and taking care of the station.”

After many years, wanting a change, she quit her work and moved to Chennai from Trichy. This move opened new experiences and interests for her. “After shifting to Chennai and my children started school, I realised how my entire day was void, till the kids came back in the evening. I was really bored to death, so then I thought why not explore Chennai by myself. I mean I have always had a fascination for the city so I started joining the heritage walks that were organised around the city.”

She adds that while these heritage walks were interesting, she felt their definition of heritage was very limited to specific temples and locations. This prompted her to curate information so as to make an inclusive heritage walk, with educational institutions, hospitals that made a difference, mosques, churches, working class histories, celebrating the diverse make-up of the city. Her first walk was along Greenways Road, in Chennai which was very popular. This encouraged her to plan heritage walks (and sometimes bike-rides!) exploring the histories of Royapuram. Kasimedu, Vannarapettai. These areas from North Chennai have always been ignored as lacking history which she sought to shatter.

“So when I started working along North Madras, It was so fascinating, as the place is like a cultural cauldron with so many different people living a working class life. There was beauty to it that I felt was not being shown enough. So, I focussed on those aspects with my walks and started writing on the side.“

Niveditha Louis on her writing journey

Nivedita Louis describes her foray into writing as a big joke that started on social media. She recalls that during an online debate about purdah, she insisted that it should be the women’s choice and how that led to her getting trolled incessantly on Facebook. Following the incident, she lay low for a few days followed by a post titled “25 ways to manage social media nuisance.” The sharp, witty post went viral and eventually landed in the Kungumam Thozhi, a popular Tamil magazine, her first published piece. This followed by her penning a series documenting her experiences, interactions from her heritage walks in the magazine Aval Vikatan which was well received.

Researching and history seemed to be her natural forte, and she continued with assignments relating to archaeology, history, women and cultures all within Tamilnadu. She built on her interest with learning how to relate Sangam literary texts to archaeological finds. In her writings she simplifies aspects of archaeology in a simple, concise way. Her book From Adichanallur to Keezhadi The Archaeological Tracks of Tamil Nadu (Adichanallur Mudhal Keezhadi Varai), avoids jargon but remains an informative text for anyone interested in history.

Other books like Vada Chennai (வட சென்னை) chronicles the working-class history and the diverse lives, livelihoods of North Chennai residents breaking stereotypes from mainstream narratives. She won the SRM Thamizh Perayam Puthumai Pithan and Tha Mu E Ka Sa K Muthaiah Award for the book.

Nivedita’s writings focus on feminist histories and debate current issues with an intersectional lens. This ethos reflects in her publishing house HER Stories. Last year they published seventy titles, mostly of the non-fiction genre, featuring predominantly women writers.

How Her Stories came to be

HER stories was initially a Facebook page which started during the COVID lockdown period. It was a space about current women issues, achievements which grew organically with many women sharing their views and experiences. In the 2021 Laadli Awards, she received the Jury Special Mention (Tamil social media).

“I am very active on social media and when I started this space, I realised how there was a lack of space when it came to women’s voices. So, I had organised online woman only meet-ups, which helped the community grow, and introduced many new voices who were eager to contribute. This was very encouraging and we decided to make a web page and started featuring series, write-ups by women. Some of our initial contributors included Sharmila Seyyid, Uma Mohan, Dr. Narayani Subramanian and many more new voices. “

The popularity of the page with new perspectives, writings helped her begin the publishing house Her Stories with Vallidasan and Sahana. Their titles like “Dupatta Podunga Thozhi” (Wear your Dupatta friend) have been extremely popular, especially among young girls and helped foster meaningful discussions around feminism.

Being a writer, Nivedita recognises the struggles of a first-time woman writer and helps many articulate their voice with development, content edits as a publisher. She says, “I got the opportunity to write which is still hard for many others, and I want Her Stories to be a space that helps foster new voices, especially from marginalised sections.”

Women and writing

As a writer, she is very vocal about the challenges that are inherent to women when it comes to writing. She shares her experiences researching , Ariyappadatha Christhavam Part 1 & 2 (அறியப்படாத கிறிஸ்தவம் – ஒரு வரலாற்றுத் தேடல் தொகுதி 1 & 2 பண்பாட்டுக் கட்டுரைகள் during Covid.

“See, it’s a different set of challenges that women face when it comes to fieldwork and research. To start with, a man can pack his bag and leave but I as a woman have to make arrangements for the house, for the days I am away, plan the travel, detail my activities, I mean as a woman it’s hard to just step out of the house.”

These books are detailed ethnographic studies that examine the social, cultural history of Christianity from the churches, practices and saints from Tamil Nadu.

Her other books Ammakannuvukku Neelanai Pidikkaathu (அம்மாக்கண்ணுவுக்கு நீலனைப் பிடிக்காது), Muthal Penngal & Paathai Amaithavargal (முதல் பெண்கள் & பாதை அமைத்தவர்கள்) reveal nuanced and well-researched cultural / social history often. Following this her latest book, Christhavathil Jaathi (கிறிஸ்தவத்தில் ஜாதி) discusses the topic of caste within Christianity.

The lack of diversity and representation has long been an issue in the business of books. While statistics indicate that women writers, publishers have started to gain momentum, there still remains a huge disparity when viewed with an intersectional lens. In this context it’s important to recognise the personal journey of women writers like Nivedita Louis.

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Why my singleness should not be your problem?

Dear Men, How Does My Staying Single By Choice Become Your Problem?

Posted: April 9, 2024

Tags:single women women's voices

We all are familiar with that one annoying aunty who is more interested in our marital status than in the dessert counter at a wedding. But these aunties have somehow become obsolete now. Now they are replaced by men we have in our lives. Friends, family, and even work colleagues. It’s the men who are worried about why we are not saying yes to one among their clans. What is wrong with us? Aren’t we scared of dying alone? Like them?

A recent interaction with a guy friend of mine turned sour when he lectured me about how I would regret not getting married at the right time. He lectured that every event in our lives needs to be completed within a certain timeframe set by society else we are doomed. I wasn’t angry. I was just disappointed to realize that annoying aunties are rapidly doubling in our society. And they don’t just appear at weddings or family functions anymore. They are everywhere. They are the real pandemic.

We want an equal partnership… which Indian marriages are not!

Let’s examine this a little closer.

We all have at one point in our lives been a huge K-Drama enthusiast. We loved how the men written by women in these dramas challenged the traditional roles in heterosexual relationships. Surprisingly, Korea has been a victim of its patriarchal mindset causing women to embrace singlehood over marriage. The popular 4B Movement and the recent decline in the nation’s fertility rate, have been the effect of women not succumbing to societal norms. Korean women have been showing the government and society that they don’t want to take up additional responsibilities until there is an equal partnership in real terms.

And rightly so, women today don’t want to be in a partnership that complicates their lives further. Instead, they need someone for companionship and not just someone to grow old with. They need an equal partner with whom they can figure out life as a team, playing by each other’s strengths. This is why women across the globe have become more mindful of whom they partner up with.

Most single women feel secure in themselves… and men don’t like that!

Some men are often intimidated by the ability of a woman to stay secure as a single person. A lot of men don’t find enough emotional support in their circle. On top of that they are in a cutthroat competition with their peers. They feel secure when they are part of the pack. Being part of a pack means, abiding by the societal norms that favor them. This is why some insecure men target single women in a way to feel good about themselves. It’s the projection of their insecurities that causes them to tell us, “Hurry up! Your biological clock is ticking!!!”

I believe just like sexuality, partnering up, having kids, types of relationships a person wants to pursue are all about an individual’s choice and so we should let it be that way. Each individual understands how they are and what works best for them. It shouldn’t be any other problem or cause of worry. Single or not, men and women, should be allowed to be and do what they want to do. We are all here to live a life that best suits our needs and serves our purpose. Let’s help each other to thrive in the best way possible and not make others’ lives miserable by asking questions that serve no purpose.

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Making friends- Social media experiences

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A Conversation With Author & Publisher Niveditha Louis

From working in railways to curating heritage walks

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Dear Men, How Does My Staying Single By Choice Become Your Problem?

We want an equal partnership… which Indian marriages are not!

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