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When I was asked to write something about love for Valentine’s Day, I searched inside myself for the most potent love I’ve felt for anyone in my life. I grew up reading a lot of fiction, especially romance. So it should have been easy, but it wasn’t.
A few years into the marriage, I understood that reality is far removed from books.
Then I heard that unconditional love exists only in a parent’s heart. All the rest is wishful thinking. I wanted to become a mother then. I dreamt of being the perfect mother and loving my child like no one else has loved their child.
Twenty years after becoming a mother, I’ve realised that unconditional love is not a myth, but it’s not easy and doesn’t come to a mother just by giving birth. A mother has to work hard to love her child the way they need to be loved.
Children throw tantrums, rebel, and do not exist to make us proud. At such a time in my life, when my daughter was thirteen years old, I was full of rage.
She was a new teenager struggling with body image issues. I blamed it on her laziness. I pushed her to play badminton, do yoga and run in the club. And as if that was not enough, I started pushing her to eat healthy and skip meals.
I know I was a terrible, terrible mother, but tell me, who doesn’t want to show off their child to their friends and relatives? I was ashamed of claiming her as my daughter in front of my friends. She was smart kid, more into debates and quizzes than into sports. But I didn’t see that. All I saw was her shape, and it bothered me. I let my irritation consume me.
One day, I wrote down my frustration on my laptop as a journal entry. Of course, I’m a writer, so how else should I deal with it? Bad idea!
She had a MUN at school and borrowed my laptop because hers wasn’t working. When she returned from school that evening, she went straight into her room and started crying. I kept asking her what was wrong, but she said nothing. I was quite a good mom; I didn’t leave her side and just sat with her on the bed, stroking her hair, until she lifted her tear-stained face and spoke up.
I clearly remember the first sentence I had written in that journal entry. ‘I love my daughter, but I’m not sure I like her at all’. This sentence still haunts me. And then I went on about how she’s a bad person for torturing me with her stubbornness. That she needed to grow up. Ironically, I thought I was the grown-up while I was the one whining about a thirteen-year-old acting like a child.
Imagine reading this written about yourself by your mother while surrounded by a room full of teenagers and teachers.
She said tears ran down her eyes while she had to speak up during the debate. Even seven years after this incident, I’ve been unable to forgive myself. And I can’t believe my luck that my daughter is generous enough to have forgotten all about it. She says she has, but I doubt it.
Mothers can mess up their daughters big time. And I was one of those mothers. I read parenting books, studied child psychology, and listened to podcasts to be a better parent. The parent who doesn’t motivate their kid to be the best, but the parent who lets their kid be.
I might still not be perfect, but that my daughter can eat freely in my presence is a victory.
Teenagers need us less and less with each passing day. It might start with independently braided hair, the last homework you helped them with, or the last time you dropped them off at a party. It keeps becoming harder and harder for a parent to show their love. But there is one love language that never fades: acceptance.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve realised this love language is the only one that matters in all relationships. This Valentine’s Day, let’s tell the people we love that they are loved the way they are and believe it, too, because that is the only kind of unconditional love that exists.
Image source: by dimaberlinphotos Free for Canva Pro
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People often say, ‘Dream, because dreams cost nothing.’ Everyday in India, countless women are dreaming and making every possible effort to turn those dreams into reality. These women have made their family’s future their biggest dream.
When Sonu Davar learned about her daughter’s dream, she pondered about how to arrange such a considerable amount of money. Because Sonu’s daughter Kripali Davar aspired to become an air hostess, and she was ready to support her in attaining it.
It was a challenge for a family of limited means, considering the expensive training required to become an air hostess. But Sonu didn’t give up her belief in herself or her daughter.
But the challenge that really worried her was – where would she get so much money? In her quest, Sonu learned about Self Help Groups (SHG) and joined the Ganga Self Help Group in her village in 2015.
By joining the group, she realized that making her and her daughter’s future dreams come true with the help of the government was possible. Sonu, after joining the group, opened a kirana store (grocery) and started working day and night. She used the earnings from her kirana store to fund Kripali’s education and manage her family.
Sonu shares, “My family’s financial situation was not good. I joined the Ganga Self Help Group in 2015, and since then, our circumstances have changed. I opened a kirana store with the help of the SHG and worked hard day and night. I ensured that Kripali completed her education, up to the tenth grade, right in our village.”
Sonu knew that running just a grocery store wouldn’t be enough to afford her daughter the training to become an air hostess. Therefore, she also started a tailoring business. She had decided that no matter what, she was going to help Kripali become an air hostess and be an example to the whole world.
After her schooling was done, Sonu took a loan of one lakh rupees with the help of the State Rural Livelihood Mission to send her daughter to Indore, a city in Madhya Pradesh, for further studies and air hostess training.
Today, Kripali has achieved her dream and has become a source of great pride for her mother.
Sonu Davar’s daughter, Kripali Davar, says, “My mother worked extremely hard to bring me here. When I came to Indore, I could only see and think about the sky, dreaming that one day I would touch these heights. Today, as an air hostess I can proudly say, it is all because of one woman, and she is my mother. I am extremely happy to be the first girl from our village to reach this position.”
Today, Sonu Davar and her daughter Kripali Davar have become a source of inspiration and an example for everyone. Stories like these need to be shared so that women are not hesitant to dream and can openly say, ‘Yes, our dreams can come true, and we can achieve whatever we want!”
Ravivar Vichar has made a commitment to bring forth the stories of every such woman and make us aware of their lives.
In this WomensWebXMahilaMoney impact series, we bring you entrepreneurs like Sonu Davar who had not just the ambition to grow, but took the steps needed to bring their dreams to fruition. Apply for a loan of up to 25 lakhs to fuel your business growth by downloading the Mahila Money App on Google Playstore or visiting the website here.
For ages, stereotypes have associated the field of mathematics with men. Assumptions have wrongly suggested that women lack the mental capability to perform tough calculations or establish themselves in STEM areas.
Perennially, women have been seen as suited for ‘soft’ jobs like teaching or nursing. These roles, thought to require less mental labor or time commitment, supposedly allow women to balance careers with household or marital duties.
In a traditional society like India, the patriarchal set-up reinforces these prejudices. It has been and continues to be a major factor in people’s lives. However, Indian women have time and again proved their actual worth to the world, dismissing these false claims.
This blog honours major women mathematicians in India. It’s an ode to confident women who, despite all odds, made a place for themselves in this male-dominated world.
Shakuntala Devi was born in Bangalore in 1929 and was known as a ‘human computer’ because of her exceptional calculation skills. She travelled across the world showcasing her mathematical genius and winning international acclaim. In 1977, she calculated the 23rd root of a 201-digit number at Southern Methodist University. Remarkably, she did this in 50 seconds, outpacing a computer.
In 1980, she multiplied two 13 digit numbers chosen at random by Imperial College London in 28 seconds. This gave her a place in the 1982 Guinness Book of World Records. She included many of her mathematical tricks in her 1977 book Figuring: The Joy of Numbers.
In her later years, she authored many books like Puzzles to Puzzle You, and Mathability. She also wrote Super Memory: It Can Be Yours, and supported homosexuality with her book, The World of Homosexuals.
Shakuntala Devi was also an astrologer and had many significant people as her clients. She tried venturing into politics too but couldn’t achieve success there. She died on 21st April, 2013 aged 83 due to multiple health complications and was undoubtedly one of the most prodigious women mathematicians in India.
Source: Forbes India
Neena Gupta is a Professor of Maths and Statistics at Indian Statistical Institute (ISI), Kolkata. She is known for her work in commutative algebra and affine algebraic geometry. In 2014, the Indian National Science Academy (INSA) awarded her the Young Scientists Award for cracking the Zariski Cancellation Problem.
Then in 2021, she was awarded the Ramanujan Prize for young mathematicians particularly for her work on the Zariski Cancellation Problem which had remained unsolved for 60 years. She is only the third woman and the fourth Indian to be honoured with the prize. She is truly an inspiration for all young girls aspiring to join the STEM field.
Raman Parimala is an eminent woman mathematician of India who currently serves as a professor of mathematics at Emory University, Georgia. She has significantly contributed to the study of algebra. For her exemplary work she has been honoured with the Bhatnagar Prize in 1987, an honorary doctorate from the University of Lausanne in 1999, the Srinivasa Ramanujan Birth Centenary Award in 2003 and the TWAS Prize for mathematics in 2005.
It was for the first time in the history of TWAS awards that the maths or physics prize had been won by a woman. In 2020, Union Minister Smriti Irani announced the establishment of chairs in the names of Parimala and 10 other Indian women scientists in institutes across the country.
Sujatha Ramdorai is a professor of mathematics and an algebraic number theorist. She is best known for her work on the non-commutative version of the Iwasawa theory, originally developed by the great Japanese mathematician Kenkichi Iwasawa. She is part of many prominent international research agencies like the Banff International Research Station and the Indo-French Centre for Promotion of Advanced Research.
Miss Ramdorai was also a member of the National Knowledge Commission from 2007 to 2009. She has been awarded with the ICTP Ramanujan Prize in 2006, the Shanti Swarup Bhatnagar Award in 2004, and the Krieger-Nelson Prize in 2020. The government of India honoured her with the Padma Shri award in 2023 in the field of science and engineering.
Mangala Narlikar was an Indian mathematician known for her work in real and complex analysis, analytical geometry, number theory, algebra and topology. She held a PhD degree in mathematics from University of Bombay on analytical number theory.
Throughout her life she taught maths at a number of prominent universities in and outside India including the University of Cambridge and Tata Institute of Fundamental Research (TIFR), Pune. She also wrote a number of mathematical books like Access to Basic Mathematics and many scholarly articles and papers.
Vanaja Iyengar was an Indian mathematician and educationist. For most part of her career she taught at the Osmania University and its two affiliated colleges, University College for Women, Koti and Nizam College and was the founder vice-chancellor of the Sri Padmavati Mahila Visvavidyalayam, an all women university in Andhra Pradesh.
V. Laxmibai was an Indian mathematician and professor emerita of mathematics at Northwestern University, Boston. She had done her PhD from TIFR, Pune. Her areas of specialization were algebraic geometry, algebraic groups and representation theory along with the study of Flag varieties and Schubert varieties. She was selected as one of the initial fellows of the American Mathematical Society in 2012.
Ajit Iqbal Singh is one of the women mathematicians in India with specialization in functional analysis and harmonic analysis. Till 2008, she worked as a professor of mathematics at Delhi University and since then has been serving as a visiting professor at the Indian Statistical Institute, Delhi. She is also a fellow at the Indian National Science Academy (INSA), the highest body of scientists and technologists in India and also at the National Academy of Sciences, Allahabad.
T.A. Amma was a maths scholar and significantly contributed to the field of mathematical history through her book Geometry of Ancient and Medieval India. Her book has been praised by many international scholars like Michio Yano and David Mumford and tries to prove that ancient India did have mathematical temper and was rich in geometric representations of algebraic results.
Bhama Srinivasan is an Indian woman mathematician who is known for her work in representation theory of finite groups. She serves as professor emerita at University of Illinois, Chicago. Along with Paul Fong she has also worked on modular representation theory and Deligne-Lusztig theory. She became a fellow at the American Mathematical Society in 2012 and at the Association for Women in Mathematics in 2017. She was honoured with the Noether Lecture in 1990 for her work.
These incredible women mathematicians in India have repeatedly shown that gender cannot define boundaries and everyone regardless of their gender is free to dream and achieve success if they have the determination, zeal and the right attitude towards life. Their accomplishments can help innumerable girls to break free of these age-old orthodox ideas and redefine gender identities, thereby carving out a new path for Indian women in STEM.
Dear Ladies Near and Far,
As I am about to wish you for a special occasion, the words just get stuck in my throat. Truth be told, I was not even aware about the existence of this holiday until a few years ago when a message from a friend landed on my phone. “Happy Galentine’s Day”, it read! I was thrown aback, wondering what on earth did it mean.
Google came to my rescue, and I learned that it is the day when women celebrate love for their lady friends, single or not. The idea for Galentine’s Day originated from one of the episodes of the American television show “Parks and Recreation”. The character Leslie gathers her girlfriends for a brunch of waffles and declares: “Every February 13, my lady friends and I leave our husbands and our boyfriends at home, and we just come and kick it, breakfast-style!”
How strange that sitcoms can dictate so much in our lives! I am not complaining though because my female friends mean the world to me! Commemorating a day in their honor is a wonderful idea.
I dedicated a chapter to my friends in my book of anecdotes, for they have made my life complete! I strongly believe that friendships transcend all boundaries and norms. Anyone that I can mentally connect with, I consider a friend. Today I am thinking about all those extraordinary ladies who have made me happy with those sprinkles of smiles and sunshine.
Some of you have been with me right from my childhood; others I have met at different stops as I drove through the years. And interestingly, I am yet to meet some of you in person although I have come to know a lot about you through our online chats. There will be others who will read this note of mine for the first time. I value all of you so much!
Men and women coexist to build society, yet by the law of nature, they function so differently. No wonder it is said that “Men are from Mars and women are from Venus”! I do not want to sound sexist, but because of the commonalities we share, we need our woman friends to unload the thoughts in our minds. We look for solace and moral support from them.
We women have the patience to give a listening ear to each other’s problems. When bad times strike, we look for a shoulder to lean on and ask for advice.
Emotionally, we can identify with each other so well. Perhaps it’s just another mom who will understand why you cried on your child’s first day of kindergarten. Only your girlfriend will sympathize as you have those fat tears rolling down while watching a movie which is pure fiction. On most occasions, our hearts rule our heads, and we will find so many allies in our sorority.
Even when it comes to being goofy, we can be on the same boat and laugh at silly jokes. Only women understand the way other women behave. Outsiders may fail to see the rationale, but within the female club, everything is crystal clear. Actions that are deemed innate and stupid seem perfectly justified. All of the scenarios listed below look perfectly normal to us:
Why, after being on the phone for hours with a friend, do we remember upon hanging up that we still have lots more to talk?
Why, in spite of having a wardrobe full of clothes, do we feel we have nothing to wear?
Why do we want 2 or more pairs of shoes with the exact design in different colors?
Why do we like to be told that we have not put on weight though sometimes it’s far from the truth?
These are just the tidbits; there are many more details to make our stories complete and intriguing!
Being imperfectly perfect in our own ways, we ladies need each other because our friendships solidify our happiness and make our lives richer!
Not just on February 13, but on all other 364 days (well 365 when it’s a leap) of the year, I wish you all the very best . But let me sound a teeny bit trendy and go with the flow, as they say.
Here’s to raising a toast to friendship and wishing all the lovely ladies of this planet a very happy Galentine’s Day!
Image source: friends VikramRaghuvanshi from Getty Images Signature Free for Canva Pro
Major Trigger Warning: This speaks of graphic child sexual abuse and violence against women and will be triggering to survivors. Please skip the first para of the review that describes a graphic scene.
Bhakshak begins with an underaged girl (child) being shown writhing in pain and two grown men discussing her situation. One of the men gleefully explains that he had tried to rape her but she had resisted and so he stuffed chilli powder into her vagina. This man laughs and describes the act gleefully, over and over again, while the other man who is the pimp looks mildly annoyed. Eventually, the child dies and they proceed to have her cremated in the dead of the night.
This is supposed to make you feel the horror of all that children had to endure. Except instead of sensitising us to the suffering and the trauma, the abusive acts are exploited and turned into exploitative entertainment. There is not a single thought given to just how triggering such cinema must be those who have actually endured the trauma of sexual abuse- women and children.
Over and over, throughout the film, they showcase young girls being tortured and violated. It’s extremely clever filmmaking. On the one hand, you get the woke certificate of making a film on a ‘sensitive’, ‘woman-centric’ topic. On the other hand, long, loving moments can be spent on more and more experimental and innovative ways to portray sexual abuse, because these will always guarantee eyeballs from a certain kind of audience who will find it titillating and of course there will be critical appreciation for the makers of ‘gRitTy’ cinema.
One of the best series in recent times on sexual abuse was Unbelievable on Netflix. It never once lets you escape the trauma that the victim undergoes both during and after the actual event of rape. And yet there is no exploitation. The victim/survivor gets to tell her tale, she gets the dignity and closure she deserves.
In the 1978 film Ghar, the protagonist is gang-raped one night. Throughout the act they focus on the faces of the criminals. And then the rest of the film focuses on the journey of the protagonist, from victim to survivor. It is perhaps the only sensitive depiction of sexual abuse, that I can think of in the history of Indian cinema.
In Bhakshak however, none of the victims are given any humanity. They either serve as tropes, to be exploited on screen by the ‘villains’ or they are exploited in the act of making the journalist protagonist look brave. The story is not their story at all. Grievous disservice was done to them both in real life and in reel life.
The trouble with depicting sexual abuse on film is that each time, the filmakers have to up the ante to make it more gratuitous and more horrifying to capture our attention. But all they serve is to normalise these atrocities. And as they get more creative, the victims have to be shown suffering stomach-churning horrors. I can imagine several men getting turned on by the sheer voyeurism of men pulling at the kurtas of young girls and forcing booze down their throats.
Such films begin with bad men doing bad things and then good men (in this case a woman) defeating the bad men and then all is well. As a survivor of CSA, I can assure you that even at the age of 50, I haven’t still recovered from what was done to me at age 5 and nothing ever happened to the perpetrator.
We will never know what happened to the children of the orphanage at Munawwarpur (Muzaffarpur, Bihar, in real life). We’ll never know if they ever recovered, if they ever went on to healing, or if they never could. But these uncomfortable truths never serve convenient storytelling, do they? We don’t get to see anything important or real. Neither about the criminals nor the victims. Everyone in the film, particularly the children, is just a cardboard cut out to be moved around till the film reaches its predictable end.
The protagonist in Bhakshak, journalist Vaishali Singh, who has done nothing other than make a few videos, to whom nothing really happens, whose doesn’t pay the price for her intrepid ‘journalism’, who literally stumbles on a story that she pays black money for, gives a long lecture on ethics and integrity and heroism to a young victim who barely escaped with her life. In fact, the victim had made the protagonist promise that her name wouldn’t be brought up. And yet the privileged protagonist forces the child to go public.
And the worst of it all, the evil villain who gets arrested, is given a heroic exit. He says, “I’m not a coward. I’ll not run away. Those who want to go can leave. I’m staying.” So basically he’s a ‘good man’, an ethical (?!) paedophile.
Yet another film about filmmakers feeling good about themselves for making a woman centric film. They’ll get the awards and they will be interviewed on their opinions on CSA and laugh all the way to the bank. We have had hundreds of films of women and children getting raped and not one man film on why men rape. Instead they will keep perpetuating the myth of a tiny percentage of bad men and most everyone else, good Samaritans. Now because it is 2024, instead of a male saviour they will have a female saviour who too will do nothing to examine the violent psyche of the predator, but instead will go on oppressing those who are already oppressed, the victims.
33-year-old Sarika Santosh Mandhare faced a setback in her quest for financial freedom when her husband had a life-altering accident.
In this WomensWebXMahilaMoney impact series, we bring you entrepreneurs like Sarika Santosh Mandhare who had not just the ambition to grow, but took the steps needed to bring their dreams to fruition. Apply for a loan of up to 25 lakhs to fuel your business growth by downloading the Mahila Money App on Google Playstore or visiting the website here.
Forced to leave her high-paying job as an accountant to care for him and their daughters, Sarika’s dreams seemed distant. However, with timely financial support, she not only cleared her debts but also expanded her LAN cabling business, establishing a stable income source for her family.
Sarika had always dreamt of achieving financial independence, and she had worked hard to make a name for herself. But she had to put her career on hold when her husband met with an accident in 2013 and went into a coma.
At that time, he was running a LAN cable business, and Sarika had to step in and take over the company’s reins to stay close to her family.
Running a cabling business was a challenging task, especially for someone who had no prior experience in the field, but Sarika was determined to keep the company afloat and provide for her family. However, she soon was caught in a debt trap as she had to manage household expenses, take care of hospital bills, and run the business all on her own.
Speaking about her struggle, Sarika said, “Running the business alone was very difficult. There were times when I did not know how to keep things going. It was a constant battle between looking after my husband and running the business. The mounting hospital bills and household expenses only added to my financial burden. I knew I needed help but did not know where to turn.”
Sarika’s business had growth potential, but the lack of capital hindered her expansion plans. She had to turn down potential clients due to a lack of funds. She also could not clear her bills on time, affecting the reputation of her business.
Sarika’s financial struggles were taking a toll on her mental health, and she was on the verge of giving up. That’s when she came across the Mahila Money app on Playstore – a fintech platform that provides productive loans to women entrepreneurs. Sarika gave it a shot and applied for a loan through the app.
Sarika applied for a loan of INR 1 lakh. The loan helped her clear her GST bills, and she could take on new clients without worrying about the lack of funds. Her business began to pick up steam, and she was generating good income.
“This loan helped me clear my debts and gave me the much-needed capital to grow my business. I was able to invest in new equipment, which helped me provide better services to my customers. The loan process was hassle-free, and the interest rates were reasonable. I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly I received the loan amount,” shared Sarika.
The success of the first loan motivated Sarika to apply for a second loan of INR 58K, which she used to clear her other bills. With this financial support, Sarika could grow her business and provide her family with a stable source of income.
The impact of the business loan on Sarika’s life was transformative. She not only kept her family business afloat but also paved the way for a brighter future. Her husband has recovered and has joined her back in the business, and they are inching towards better days now with their hard work and dedication.
Expressing her gratitude, Sarika added, “I am grateful to Mahila Money for believing in me and my business. The loan helped me achieve financial freedom, which I thought was impossible at one point. The loan process was smooth, and the team was always available to help me with any queries. I can now provide for my family, and my daughters can continue their education without any financial stress.”
Sarika’s remarkable #JiyoApneDumPe journey serves as an inspiration to countless women entrepreneurs across India, igniting their aspirations for financial freedom and independence.
If you are a #JiyoApneDumPe woman entrepreneur who wants to take your business to new heights and needs working capital and entrepreneurship resources, get in touch with the Mahila Money team today.
Trigger warning: This deals with toxic parenting – parental abuse and its short term and long term effects on a child, and may be triggering to survivors.
Understanding toxic parenting, and checking your own parenting for toxicity to make changes is the only way to break the cycle of generational trauma, something that our future generations need us to do.
Parenting that usually focuses on and demonstrates narcissism, lack of respect and boundaries, humiliation, manipulation, criticism, comparison, restriction, neglect, withdrawal, apathy, emotional unavailability, physical and mental abuse, control, self absorption, rigidity, blame, emotional instability, lack of empathy, lack of autonomy and decision making for the child, forms the broad umbrella of Toxic Parenting.
Children who grow up in a dysfunctional family set up, grow up to have low self esteem, anxious attachment styles, and abandonment Issues, and in extreme cases, PTSD (especially in cases of child sexual abuse). These usually follow them into adulthood and they can struggle with forming lasting relationships with their partners and spouses. They often get attracted to partners who are emotionally unavailable, narcissists, or partners who gaslight/ghost them, as an acceptable form of love.
Toxic parenting can stem from generational trauma- the emotional and psychological wounds that have accumulated over years and transferred to the future generation in the form of Toxic parenting. In such a scenario, this style of Parenting is commonly prevalent and it is not usually seen as a sign of toxicity. It is the accepted form of parenting and is considered as a right of passage especially in a cultural setting like ours.
Physical abuse in childhood which is often seen in the form of slaps and is commonly seen in households as a means to discipline the child. It is considered as an acceptable form of punishment for the child. Most parents are remorseless and consider it as a matter of pride.
Manipulating the child into doing things, guilt tripping the child when things don’t go according to them or when the child starts to set boundaries for self. It takes the form of criticism, caustic remarks, comparisons, shaming (slut shaming and body shaming in girls) and ridiculing the child in person and in front of others.
Blaming the child for everything that is going wrong.
Being passive aggressive during conflicts and arguments with the child. Inconsistent parenting through mixed instructions, blowing hot and cold, making the child feel responsible for parenting them (putting the onus of parenting on the child), lack of communication and trust in the child.
Gaslighting the child and showing complete disregard for their boundaries and space. Making them feel worthless and up to no good in person and in front of others.
Toxic Parenting has a negative long term impact.
The trauma faced by the child may leave indelible scars within, which can cause conflicts in relationships and prevent them from forming loving and lasting relationships with others.
The first step would be to identify ones triggers. Once identified, learning to manage the triggers is important.
Self awareness, introspection and reflection, developing healthy coping mechanisms, setting boundaries, developing resilience and interventions through support groups, and in several cases, professional help in the form of psychiatric interventions and therapy would be beneficial to overcome the generational trauma and the impact of toxic parenting.
Image source: YouTube/ Taare Zameen Par
A regular family gathering.
Anuya was attending her favorite chachu’s 50th birthday celebration. As was the norm, her dad and his cousins were regaling the gathering with stories from his childhood—how a game of hide & seek turned into a nightmare for their family because Sumit was bitten by an army of ants, how Sumit’s obsession with bikes during college days cost the family multiple visits to the ortho or the one time Sumit and his best friend Amey were caught shoplifting and almost beaten up.
These stories, despite being a staple in many such family get-togethers kept everyone interested and gave Anuya a glimpse into the life of Mr Sumit Shah before he became her ‘chachu’.
But something felt different today. She realized how little she knew about her chachi’s life before marriage. For that matter even her mamis and bhabhis—basically all the women who had married into her family.
This thought also made her wonder about the fact that in the five years of her marriage, her in-laws’ side of the family hadn’t made enough efforts to know about the life she led before becoming Mrs Anuya Mehta. Yes, they had reluctantly familiarized themselves with her food preferences, her favorite places to hangout etc. but they were barely interested in knowing about her growing up years, her closest friends, or her adventures.
As she pondered deeper, it dawned on her that her in-laws did not participate actively in the functions hosted by her maternal side of the family. They usually arrived right on time to mark their attendance and left immediately it was over.
Anuya would plan outings or occasions to socialize with Ankur’s (her husband) family, friends and business associates, which gave her enough insights about Ankur beyond the role he played of her husband. But unlike her, neither his parents nor his siblings seemed to seek opportunities to know about her life before she took on the role of Ankur’s wife and their family’s bahu (daughter-in-law).
This prompted her to reflect on how little we know about the women who marry and become part of our families.
What were their worlds like before they became our bahus, bhabhis, chachis, mamis? Which tunes did they hum, which beats did they dance to? Were they interested in any art form or sport? Did they bunk college to catch the first day first show of a latest movie? How did they spend their summer/winter breaks? What were their ambitions? Who were the friends they left behind at the villages, towns and cities they grew up in?
Isn’t it shocking and surprising that we are so oblivious to the lives of women beyond the roles they play in our lives?
And why is it that we are never curious or interested?
Why are their stories not narrated in family gatherings?
Image source: by Sangeet Rao from Pexels Free for Canva
Trigger warning: This deals with child sexual abuse and may be triggering to survivors. The movie has some graphic details, so please do not watch Bhakshak if you are triggered by sexual and physical violence.
Last week, I wrote an article about women in Bengal jail who were becoming pregnant while in custody because of sexual exploitation by male staff. It was a grim topic and horrified me constantly while researching. Then, on the weekend, I saw the movie ‘Bhakshak’ on Netflix, which reminded me of these women’s plight, but what the movie shows is much worse.
Imagine a girl who was left at an orphanage by her relatives or her parents, a girl who has never known any love or care, a girl who looks up to those supposed to care for her but is in reality a predator (Bhakshak), for all the basic needs of her life.
The girl doesn’t know another way of life. She doesn’t know there are girls and women out of her shelter home who are loved and empowered to fight for themselves. They don’t see a way of life away from daily physical, sexual and emotional abuse. They’re told they should be grateful because they have shelter, food and clothes.
In a country like India, where being born a girl is a crime itself, and orphanages are filled with girls, this could be the reality for many of them.
The most heartbreaking thing is that the movie is based on a true case from Muzaffarpur Shelter Home for Girls.
In 2018, TISS (Tata Institute of Social Sciences) surveyed many shelter homes, and red-flagged some of the shelter homes where kids were exploited. They sent the report to the Bihar government for further investigation, but the government never took any action. Instead, the case was smothered by the influential leaders and people who owned the shelter home.
Be warned, this movie is not for the faint of heart.
The director, Pulkit, needs to be lauded for making a sensitive movie on such a complex subject, and Red Chillies Entertainment for backing it.
From the devastating opening scene, be prepared to be horrified by the numerous scenes in which men act worse than animals. They exploit young girls for their enjoyment in unimaginable ways. And their laughter crawls on the skin like many spiders, making you shudder with disgust.
In the movie’s closing scene, the protagonist Vaishali Singh asks the audience through her humble news channel, ‘Have we all forgotten to grieve at the sorrow of others?’ And ‘Do we still count ourselves among the humans?’
What separates humans from animals is our ability to empathize. If we let it go, there’ll be no humanity left.
The plot is simple. Reporter Vaishali (Bhumi Pednekar ) along with her cameraman Bhasker Sinha (Sanjay Mishra), stumble upon a story about this shelter home run by a powerful man, Bansi Sahu (Aditya Srivastava).
She wants to investigate it further but is threatened numerous times by Bansi Sahu and his people. Even her family is attacked. She asks for help from women SSP, but she can’t do anything without evidence. Vaishali doesn’t give up and brings out all the names involved.
Bhumi Pednekar, as Vaishali, gives her career-best performance. She portrays Vaishali’s hopeless situation and her undeniable passion for honest journalism with sincerity. Her monologue at the end is a thing of beauty. Everyone should see it, even if you feel the movie is too heavy for you. Bhumi and Sanjay Mishra’s chemistry is better than any of hers with her costars in past. Much loved Aditya Srivastava from CID transforms entirely into a lecher you would hate from the first scene.
What also needs mentioning is the small ways the movie addresses patriarchy. In a scene where Vaishali is late to reach home from work, her husband waits for her to get home to complain to her that he’s hungry. As conditioned by society, she doesn’t back talk immediately, but when goaded further, she says, ‘ek mutthi chawal aur ek mutthi daal cooker mein daal kar khichdi to tum hi bana skate the na’. (You could have made khichadi with some rice and daal at least in the cooker!) Bravo!
Aren’t our women and girls more independent than boys and men in today’s society? After all, they can earn their living, cook food and manage the house simultaneously. Shouldn’t the tag of dependency moved on to boys now from girls?
How do they treat little kids like cockroaches whom they torture and kill just for fun? How can they keep living with themselves after committing such heinous crimes? And how do they become Bhakshak in the first place?
The answer lies in the way they are made to feel their privilege since their childhood and how girls, in the form of their sisters and mothers, exist just to serve them.
It happens every time the mother doesn’t stop her son from hitting his sister for burning the roti or just for fun. It happens every time the mother asks the daughter to give up the sweets for her brother. It happens whenever a mother makes her son feel important for going to school and studying and forcing her daughter to make life as comfortable for him as possible.
I appeal to all mothers: the remedy lies in their hands. Teach your sons empathy, equality and humility. The world can not survive only with men in power. Women need to take their power, or else this world will collapse.
Bhakshak is available on Netflix.
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