Women’s Web is saying Goodbye! Please make sure you read this important notification.
Society fails to understand the complex subtleties and dynamic nature of human emotions when the word ‘consent’ comes into play.
It is simply either a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’.
However, in reality, several emotions engulf a person when they are put in the spot.
We live in a generation where teens are severely influenced by international teen dramas that portray not indulging in sexual activity as being a prude. On the other hand, most students are still part of a familial system that glorifies a ‘modern Sati Savitri’.
Women must be ‘modern’ but only up to the degree that society deems appropriate. Every daughter is entitled to an education, but when her male peers go on a trip she is not allowed to join them. She can only go with her husband after she is married. Every woman must work towards building a career, but that doesn’t mean she can sleep in on a Sunday like her brother does, because who will teach her how to cook for her future in-laws?
These absurd ideas of our so-called liberal society fill a girl’s heart with immense guilt at the mere thought of casual dating or hooking up with someone. There is no right or wrong when it comes to an individual’s will to be in a relationship and/or be physical. However, we must stop shaming the women in our lives for their actions, thus allowing them to make a clear decision for themselves.
First and foremost, it is important to indoctrinate the idea that consent culture is not something associated solely with rape. It is essential to understand that any form of touch requires consent. Some people do not enjoy hugs which is also a personal preference. Taking hints from people’s body language and gauging whether they are nervous or in the right frame of mind is important when you feel like the other party is not in a position to speak their minds.
In addition to all these factors, it is important to note that consent is not limited to being physical. Something as simple as being overbearing and taking someone’s decisions for them is a breach of their right to choose. Many of us don’t realise that the phrase ‘no means no’ pertains to every aspect of our lives.
As women, we have been taught to be submissive. Though this generation of teenagers have it better than the previous ones, they have also grown up seeing their mothers and grandmothers toiling for the family whilst having little say in decisions impacting their lives. Somewhere the world around us still makes women feel guilty for being vocal and expressing their feelings with no filter.
In my opinion, educational institutions must introduce sexual education which works to destigmatize having dialogue pertaining to any form of sexual activity. With more dialogue, women will find it easier to make better decisions and to speak up for themselves if need be. Victims shouldn’t feel ashamed to register a complaint. A woman shouldn’t be made to feel tainted for no fault of hers.
A close friend of mine was sitting in her college campus with her boyfriend when he suddenly started touching her waist from inside her T-shirt. She felt immensely uncomfortable with it and so she told him to stop. Even though he stopped immediately, the feeling of disgust persisted. He hadn’t asked for her consent before touching her and she didn’t like that. She couldn’t call him out for it though since in her mind, she felt like she would be judged for making a fuss out of nothing. She would be viewed as a dogmatic prude by her peers.
One more thing that is very important to consider is that every individual has the right to change their mind. I might have given my consent yesterday and changed my decision overnight, and even that is perfectly acceptable. One must not be reprimanded for having dynamically changing, ever-evolving boundaries.
It is excellent to have an older person such as a parent or guardian with whom one can discuss matters such as boundaries while engaging in some sort of physical activity or boundaries in general. These trusted people would give a lot of valuable insight, since the vast range of emotions flooding young minds might interfere with their decision-making abilities or result in them thinking unidirectionally.
However, elders sadly believe that talking about such topics with their children is taboo and would encourage their children to be promiscuous. What they don’t realise is that giving their wards freedom, and being friendly with them gives them a better chance to shield their ward from the emotional trauma that comes from a misinterpretation of consent or an intentional violation of it.
Understanding the true meaning and implication of consent and how consent can mean different things to different people is of topmost importance since one never knows the emotional impact that even the smallest actions of ours could have on someone. What could be perceived by one party as a casual hookup may scar another person for life and cause deep-rooted anxiety in them.
With teenagers spending most of their time in educational institutions, it should be seen that consent culture is practiced, allowing all students to feel safe and at peace. Curtailing a woman’s freedom is never the right solution. Instead, an environment wherein a woman can make all her decisions for herself must be fostered.
SHE always knows what’s best for her body and her soul.
Image Source: Canva Pro
Stay updated with our Weekly Newsletter or Daily Summary - or both!
Dive into the complexities of domestic violence against women in India. Uncover hidden realities, explore legal safeguards, and understand the imperative for awareness and empowerment. Discover the path towards addressing this silent epidemic.
In India, where women are considered to be highly esteemed, we found many examples of violence against women. Nearly every home witnesses some form of domestic abuse, wherein women suffer verbal abuse, sexual violence, physical abuse, emotional abuse, economic abuse, etc.
Women have been repeatedly victimized and usurped throughout human history with the aim of establishing tyranny over them. In order to maintain a patriarchal social structure, this type of exploitation is increasing day by day and is commonly accepted as a norm.
Women are being deprived of their individuality and treated like a commodity. This is a serious human rights violation and difficult to contest because there is no witness to such crimes. Lack of awareness, low literacy levels, poverty, gender disparity, patriarchal attitudes, drug addiction, extramarital affairs, and the dowry system are the most contributing factors responsible for domestic violence in India.
According to the National Family Health Survey, 2019-2021, 29.3% of married Indian women between the ages of 18 and 49 have experienced domestic/sexual violence. This is only the data of cases reported by women, whereas numerous cases go unreported due to various reasons like lack of literacy, societal and family pressure, and lack of trust in the police, etc.
The National Crime Record Bureau released the latest data in 2022, which states that crime against women rose by 15.3% in 2021 from the previous year. The report also shows that the rate of crime against women increased from 56.5% in 2020 to 64.5% in 2021. The majority of the cases fall in the category of ‘cruelty by husband or his relatives.’
In 2022, the National Commission for Women registered over 6900 complaints in the ‘protection of women against domestic violence’ category. The maximum complaints fell under three categories: securing the right to life with dignity (31%), protection of women against domestic violence (23%), and matters of harassment of married women, including dowry (15%).
From time to time, the Indian government took initiatives towards the elimination of domestic violence against women.
The National Commission for Women was established in 1992, the National Human Rights Commission in 1993, the Beti Bachao Beti Padhao scheme was introduced in 2015.
The Swadhar Greh Scheme was introduced, and the One-Stop Centre and Universalization of Women Helpline launched to offer assistance to women who have experienced any form of violence and to connect them with the appropriate agencies, including the police, one-stop centres, hospitals, legal services, etc.
Despite all the measures introduced by the Indian Government to protect women from domestic violence, it continues to exist.
Laws must be adequately enforced by the police and judiciary. Domestic violence must be addressed for the greater welfare of society because it has a negative impact not only on the well-being of women but also on the entire family.
However, a few measures may help in addressing this issue like raising public awareness of domestic violence, establishing a special court with a woman judge in each district to deal with domestic violence cases, proper education and more stringent laws and their enforcement to protect the rights and dignity of women.
Empowerment of women in all spheres with a special emphasis on economic empowerment, and coordination among the government, NGOs, the public, and other institutions.
Recommended read:
Image source: CanvaPro
A much-touted and anticipated movie of the year 2023 exceeding the boundaries of conventional storytelling, Vidhu Vinod Chopra’s 12th Fail is all set to make its digital debut on 29th December on OTT platforms.
I strongly believe that “content is king” and unique, high quality, interesting and relevant content contributes significantly to founding a healthy and thriving society and is the pressing need of the hour.
Knowing the fact that cinema has a strong influence on its audiences and what we see is what we believe, now a major part of the viewers choose their movies mostly based on content rather than its high-profile cast and crew and extravagant settings. Motion picture fans have become wise enough to select their flicks founded on the subject and its objectives rather than fantasy locations, upbeat and raucous music and deteriorating lyrics that don’t seem to give meaning to actors’ actions and translate their thoughts in a true sense.
They rather love to see the actors portraying their emotions with such depth and authenticity that resonate with their audiences and leave a lasting cinematic experience in their minds.
And the success and popularity of the movie 12th Fail is sure proof of this. The thought-provoking theme and an inspiring co-relationship between success and failure have once again mesmerized its audiences and uniquely inspired millions of young minds.
Based on the real-life struggles and challenges of an IPS aspirant Manoj Kumar Sharma, 12th Fail unravels the intricacies of the education system prevalent in the country and unveils the complexities and competitiveness of these taxing and back-breaking civil services exams.
It peeks into his fabulous journey of resilience and grit and how he carves his arduous path amidst poverty and deprivation.
It is the ultimate tale of triumph over adversity, a man rising above everyone’s expectations and chasing his dream.
It delves deep into the human psyche, the power of resilience, and the ability to stand out in the face of adversity and hardships.
After mesmerizing audiences with its captivating narrative and stellar performance 12th Fail is ready to be released on digital media.
The film gained immense popularity because of its relatable storyline and well-drawn and relatable characters that resonate with their audience.
This film will also serve as a beacon of hope for the aspirants preparing for competitive exams as it will boost their enthusiasm and motivate them to put in extreme effort and work hard to succeed and achieve their dreams.
Let’s make this holiday season more exciting and meaningful by adding this flick to our “watchlist”, which will not only entertain us but also enlighten us making it a timeless classic that will be remembered for generations to come. I like watching movies at my pace and in the comfort of being in my space. I love having the control of pause, rewind and play the content at my disposal. So I just wait for movies to be released on OTT platforms. If there is one movie not to be missed this year that has to be this.
So gear up and dive into the whirlwind of emotions that this biography of an IAS officer undeniably displays chronicling his experiences, events, achievements and attributes.
Enhance your cinematic experience and enjoy this movie together with your family this holiday season and welcome the new year with an elevated attitude and spirit.
These winter holidays I would love to curl up in a cozy blanket and enjoy a movie with my family over a bowl of homemade popcorn and spicy pakora with a cup of steaming hot tea.
How do you like to enjoy your favourite flicks?
Trigger Warning: This deals with student suicides and may be triggering to survivors.
In the chaotic realm of competitive education systems, mental health must be the top priority, given how significant it is to students’ well-being as a whole. This write-up explores the troubling situation that students in Kota, Rajasthan are facing.
Kota students had significant rates of anxiety, insomnia, and substance misuse, according to reports. Students made up 8% of all suicides in India in 2021, an increase of 70% in just ten years. In 2023, Kota, known as the ‘coaching factory‘ had a record 24 student suicides, which were linked to severe academic pressure, particularly for tests like the JEE Advanced.
One reason is financial hardship, as there are worries about burdening families with school loan debt. Students are not safe even after being accepted into IITs; there have been seven documented suicides among the 23 IITs. The data emphasizes how critical it is to address students’ mental health issues in demanding academic situations.
Recently Supreme Court in a judgement related to the rise in Kota student suicides said “The problem is of parents and not of coaching institutes,” and gave the coaching centers in Kota a clean chit. However, the issue is not just parents, but the education system itself. Even coaching centers play a role. It’s multifaceted. It’s not fair to absolve the coaching centers.
According to a news report, following many applicants’ suicides, officials in Rajasthan’s Kota district had ordered coaching centers to stop regularly testing students getting ready for competitive exams like NEET in September and October 2023. But right after, the judgment seems to have passed which contradicts or shows a shift in perspective and responsibility.
The proactive measures by far include putting “anti-suicide nets” in dormitories and turning on a thorough surveillance system. As per the “darwaze pe dastak (knock on the door)” campaign, if a student consistently misses meals, is not present at the mess, or has unfinished tiffin, the police have asked the mess staff and tiffin service providers to report the incident. These measures are superficial and do not address the root cause.
At his meetings with stakeholders on August 27, Kota District Collector Om Prakash Bunkar made recommendations like “spiritual and yoga classes, celebrity entertainment events, and psychological assessment services”. While these programs might provide short-term respite, it’s possible that they won’t fully address the underlying systemic problems that ultimately contribute to student stress and mental health problems.
A better way would be joint efforts by educational institutions, government, parents, and other stakeholders to address the underlying causes of stress and mental health issues that kids suffer, as opposed to placing blame. This might involve talking about how to make the classroom a healthier place for students to learn, as well as making changes to the educational system and providing long-term mental health services.
Who do you think is to be blamed for Kota’s student suicides?
Published here first.
Kho Gaye Hum Kahan written by Zoya Akhtar, Reema Kagti and directed by Arjun Varain Singh delves deep into the Gen Z world’s obsession with social media, a virtual world that now plays a pivotal role in shaping our identity. A make-believe world that has now become the prime agency of our emotions and mental health.
*Spoilers Alert*
The film revolves around three childhood best friends—Imaad, Ahana, and Neil— hailing from affluent families based in South Bombay and are inseparable from each other. The three of them grows up together in a world dominated by social media and are active social media users. Imaad is a stand-up comedian who is a tinder addict and has severe commitment issues due to a traumatic event in the past; Ahana is a corporate consultant who turns into a paranoid stalker, stalking her ex-boyfriend Rohan after he indirectly dumps her, asking for a break while simultaneously dating someone else; and Neil is a gym trainer who aspires to open his own gym and compares himself with successful personal trainers on social media. All three of them struggle to deal with their angst while finding refuge in social media, which proves to be detrimental as it only fuels their angst instead of receding it.
The thin line between joke and humiliation is blurred in the age of meme culture. Once Imaad, in one of his stand-up comedy shows, cracks jokes about his best friend Neil’s superficial relationship with Lala, it creates a rift in their friendship, acting as a major hindrance to their dream project of opening up a gym together. Though Ahana tries to be a mediator, breaking the boundaries that separated two childhood friends, she fails as they both firmly hold onto their male egos.
The world of social media is dazzling, but the validation it provides comes with a cost—the cost of one’s valuable time. It’s a strategy that keeps its users absorbed in it to such an extent that their existence becomes inextricably linked to social media, and its absence starts piercing them, creating a void.
The film depicts how gradually Imaad, Ahana, and Neil’s lives are inexorably determined by their social media handles. Ahana goes out of her way posting alluring pictures of herself to win back her long-term boyfriend’s attention, but even after successfully managing to do so, she gets used by him. Imaad, even after finally coming across a photographer, Simran, with whom he develops an intimacy, loses it all because of his tinder obsession, while Neil, after discovering that his influencer girlfriend Lala has cheated on him, confronts her and loses his job when she files a complaint against him. Enraged, Neil then bent upon hacking Lala’s Instagram account and made several posts exposing her as fake.
Kho Gaye Hum Kaha, as the title of the film suggests, shows how lost we have become as a generation; we don’t anymore know who we are; we have become so entrapped in the world of filters that we have lost touch with our real selves. Expressing emotions is now seen as uncool and can label someone as a crybaby, whereas venting out emotions through partying and boozing is considered trendy and cool nowadays.
Proper communication itself has become a challenge, ironically, in the age of social media, when it’s the easiest, but the film offers self-realisation and reconciliation between its characters at such a stage when three of them needed each other the most, and it’s a heartwarming moment to witness.
While Imaad, Ahana, and Neil, after undergoing a series of self-explorations, make their own attempts to rectify their mistakes and mend the situations, Kho Gaye Hum Kahan feels like Dil Chahta Hai revived and placed in a digital age, yet the film explicates the importance of emotions and how emotions and feelings should never be taken for granted.
We look at ourselves so much through screens that we tend to forget and embrace our real, unfiltered selves. We are so lost in keeping our social media handles updated with our every success and failure that we miss out on the happiness and peace that comes with the celebration or sharing of our achievements and failures with our loved ones. We have become so intensely invested in the virtual world that we forget to bask in the moments of the real world. In an era where the youth can’t distinguish between ‘need’ and ‘want’, the film leads us to reflect on the detachment between our real self and the virtual self, encouraging us to face our fears, feelings instead of concealing them under the facade of social media, the makers of the film most importantly implores us to reduce our usage and dependence on social media.
Imagine waking up to a morning without any quest of peeping into the events of others lives, which usually leaves one anxious, making one question their self-worth. Imagine having healthy face-to-face conversations instead of exchanging emoticons and reels. Imagine a day without cell phones, social media, alert tones of notifications, and spending quality time with people who matter while capturing memories through the eyes of the mind. It would be a wholesome moment for the world and its inhabitants.
Social media should be dependent on us; we shouldn’t be dependent on social media and it’s high time we realize this and actively participate in social media detox.
This was rural India.
Amidst the verdant fields and bustling village life, nineteen-year-old Sunita craved something more than farming, housekeeping, and harvesting crops.
Sunita’s hands painted magic onto fabric. Her saris were not just garments; they were tapestries of tradition, dyed in vibrant colors and painted with the dreams of generations. She was a Madhubani painting artist. The world knows this type of painting also as Mithila painting.
Traditionally, Mithila painting was created by women, characterized by bold, geometric patterns and a vivid color palette, primarily using natural dyes. The themes often depicted Hindu deities, natural elements, and scenes from royal courts, reflecting a deep connection with local culture and spirituality. What makes Madhubani unique is its meticulous detailing, achieved using fingers, twigs, and brushes, symbolizing an artistic harmony between simplicity and complexity. Initially, Sunita painted on mud walls and floors of her home and others’ as a hobby.
Soon Sunita’s art transitioned to canvas and paper, in a hope to gain acclaim in nearby villages and cities of Darbhanga. For Sunita, Madhubani painting was not just an art form; it was a cultural narrative that empowered her and preserved her rich heritage.
Sunita had learned the art of Madhubani painting from her mother, who in turn had learned from hers. It was a skill passed down through generations, a legacy of beauty and resilience. But Sunita was not content with just continuing the tradition; she wanted to revolutionize it. Her small village, though rich in culture and skill, was hidden away from the eyes of the world. The women artists, talented as they were, remained confined within the boundaries of their traditional roles.
Sunita dreamed of changing this narrative.
“I want to take our art to the cities,” Sunita shared her ambition with her mother, as they sat under the shade of a mango tree, their fingers deftly moving over a painted saree.
Sunita’s mother looked at her skeptically. “Sunita, no one has ever done that. Our place is here, in the village.” Sunita’s aspirations were not common in her village, where tradition dictated the lives of women. The idea of a woman venturing into the world to do business was met with skepticism and outright disapproval.
“It’s not our way,” the panchayat said unanimously, shaking their heads in the meeting. The panchayat was a group of elderly men who held considerable influence in the village.
“A woman’s place is within the confines of her home,” they said. Sunita’s proposal to take her Madhubani art sarees to the city was met with a mix of curiosity and skepticism.
“The city is a different world,” the panchayat cautioned. “It can be unkind to those who don’t understand its ways.”
But Sunita’s determination was unwavering. She argued passionately about the need to embrace change and the opportunity to elevate the village women’s craftsmanship to new heights. “Our art deserves to be seen. We deserve to be known.”
There was a mixture of reluctance and curiosity in the village, and everyone still harbored doubts. Sunita’s first challenge was convincing her mother and then her community. The idea of a woman stepping out of the village, into the unknown world of business and trade, was met with resistance. But Sunita’s passion was infectious, and slowly, she started to turn skepticism into support. Surprisingly, Sunita found an ally in her mother, who, despite her initial hesitance, recognized the fire in her daughter’s eyes.
“You have the strength of your ancestors,” her mother said one evening, as they sat painting together under the dim light of a kerosene lamp. “If your heart says it’s the right path, then you must follow it.”
With the blessings of her mother and the hesitant encouragement of her fellow Madhubani painters, Sunita left for the city with a heavy heart but an unshakeable resolve, carrying with her the hopes and skepticism of her people. Darbhanga, with its concrete buildings and endless streams of people, was a world away from her quiet village.
The city’s pace was overwhelming, but Sunita’s resolve was stronger. Sunita visited shop after shop, boutique after boutique, only to face rejection. Her initial attempts to showcase her Madhubani-art sarees were met with indifference and sometimes, dismissive glances. But every rejection only fueled her determination.
“These are beautiful, but too traditional for our clientele,” was the common response.
“These are exquisite, but too traditional for our modern customers,” one boutique owner said dismissively.
Each rejection was a blow, but Sunita’s spirit was indomitable. She remembered her mother’s words, “In every brush-stroke lies our strength. Don’t let the city fray them.”
Finally, Sunita’s persistence paid off. A boutique owner, intrigued by the uniqueness and quality of her work, agreed to display her hand-painted Madhubani-art sarees.
“These sarees are not just fabric with some sort of painting; they’re art,” The boutique owner, Radha, exclaimed, examining Sunita’s work. “Let’s hold an exhibition-cum-sale of these sarees.”
“You think they will sell?” Sunita asked, hesitantly.
“Absolutely,” Radha replied confidently. “There’s a growing appreciation for authentic, handcrafted work. Let’s showcase them.”
The exhibition was a hit. Sunita’s sarees, with their intricate designs and vibrant colors, captivated the city’s elite. Orders poured in, exceeding her wildest dreams. It was a small step, but for Sunita, it was the opening of a door that had been closed for too long. It was a turning point. Soon, her sarees were being talked about, admired for their blend of traditional artistry and contemporary appeal.
Back in her village, news of her success trickled in slowly. At first, it was met with disbelief.
“How could a woman from our village make a mark in the city?” people wondered.
But as more reports of her achievements came in, disbelief turned into awe and, eventually, pride. The same elders who had once doubted her, now spoke of her with respect. Women, who had seen their ambitions stifled, looked up to Sunita as a symbol of hope. Sunita’s success was not just her own; it became a collective triumph. Women, young and old, saw in her the possibility of a future they had never dared to imagine.
“You’ve made us all proud, Sunita,” Uday, the Panchayat head, admitted when she returned.
“You’ve opened our eyes to new possibilities.” The village women, once hesitant, now approached her for guidance.
“How did you do it, Sunita?” they asked, their eyes reflecting a mix of curiosity and admiration.
“It wasn’t easy, but yes, I still did it because our art spoke for itself. We have talent that deserves recognition,” she said.
Sunita’s success brought more than fame and fortune; it brought change in her village. The village, once skeptical of her ambitions, now celebrated her achievements.
Sunita invested in her village, setting up workshops to teach and employ women. She started a few classes in the cities of Darbhanga to teach young girls and boys the art of Madhubani painting.
That year on Diwali night, as the village glowed under the festive lights, Sunita’s heart swelled with pride and joy. She had not only realized her dreams but had ignited a flame of hope and ambition in more village women and girls.
Sunita’s story was a testament to the power of belief, perseverance, and the enduring strength of tradition.
There are times when a career break can’t be meticulously planned.
Having navigated such a situation personally, I felt it pertinent to write about the experience.
The break was inevitable as I embraced motherhood.
It is fair to say that one is never completely prepared for what follows, once one decides to return to the workplace. The battle of adjustments is on two fronts-personal and professional. Being women, multi-skilling is second nature so the situation doesn’t remain unmanageable.
Acceptance – this goes deeper than a mere outward acceptance by the play of words or a physical demonstration. I started prepping mentally about 6 months in advance. The decision to go in for a career break viz-a-viz the allocated maternity leave was well thought out and more a medical necessity. I developed lower back pain owing to a condition of lumbar spondylosis which made long sitting or even standing difficult and painful. I opted not to extend the maternity leave as I was sure it wouldn’t be enough. With an older child who needed equal or rather more attention, the decision seemed inevitable.
For me, acceptance came from being aware of the present reality. I did not try to wrestle it. Instead, I accepted it. It ensured that I stood by the decision and aligned all actions with reality. And here is where this quote by Maya Angelou seems apt, “This wisest thing you can do is be present in the present. Gratefully.”
Having an Anchor – So what does an anchor do? It keeps the sea vessel from drifting. Comparably so, an anchor keeps the human soul from drifting away. What is an Anchor? It can be any person, place or thing that brings back the focus and helps collect all the inner wisdom thus lifting the fog over the future path. For me, the anchor is prayer. Amongst my friends and family whom I have pushed towards identifying their anchors, none has returned empty-handed from the search. For some, it is music, a walk in the park, or possibly a shopping spree. 😊 Prayer, my anchor helped me support my decision in the reality that surrounded me. It tugged hard when I began to drift, bringing me back with fervor and zeal.
Knowing the drivers – the anchor keeps me rooted. At the same time, it was important to know what was pushing me on. Over the years, I have across many women sailing in the same boat that I was in. When I enquire about where they are headed, mostly the answer is a casual shrug followed by, “Just going with the flow” or “Will see when I hit the crossroads!” My experience taught me that going with the flow unplanned could just push one towards rocky bottoms and mid-stream boulders. It was my anchor that helped me gain insight into what drives me. It was firstly, financial independence and secondly, becoming a role model for my children. I was very sure that I wanted them to identify with my sense of duty, and focus and gain the skill of multi-tasking. Once the drivers emerge, the flow becomes easy to navigate.
Staying Relevant – Ah! The most important of all my learnings is this. The goal was to return to my career. I wasn’t yet sure when but was definite that it would happen. Staying relevant is a challenge when a career break happens. The steps I took involved –
Each of our journeys is unique. So are the experiences.
What remains the same is that no fear, doubt, and state of mind is permanent. Accepting and cruising along is a wonderful experience where we meet many beautiful, like-minded people whose learnings become ours too.
When the river reaches the plains, a vast expanse filled with roadblocks greets it. It is overwhelming. Yet the river takes a pause, slows down, and charts its course afresh. So is life.
9th July 2012.
My first night shift.
The shift was supposed to be 11.30 pm – 8.30 am (IST) It was for a Canadian process, and yes I worked for a customer service voice process, more commonly termed as BPO or call centre.
I was waiting for my final year result (engineering) and meanwhile took this job on a contract basis only to keep my finances running. I did not want to be a burden to my parents. Besides dealing with issues like adjusting my body clock to work at night, sleeping during the day, eating meals, and keeping myself hydrated enough that I don’t fall sick, there were other issues that I had to face to continue my job.
Back then, society had a mindset that all the work that happens at night is that of prostitution. Every night I used to wait for my cab below the building where I stayed in a rented flat. The looks that I got from every passer-by, I vividly remember it to date!
Those looks used to make me feel dirty about myself. It was the struggle of conscience that was going on inside me.
“I know I am clean with my character, I know I am not doing anything wrong, and to top all these things my parents trust me, then I do not have anything else to worry about.” Repeating this to myself multiple times, helped me reach a state of clear conscience.
Working night shifts and BPO is not as bad as it is thought to be. I have made so many good friends working in night shift. When you are good at heart, others take care of you. Yes, we do read and get to hear incidents happening. Fortunately, I always had people around me who used to make every female employee feel safe, may it be a security guard cab driver, my team leader, or the managers.
Also, a BPO job or a call centre job is a very underrated profile in Indian society. When a particular gadget or card (debit or credit card) has some issues or isn’t working, then you rightfully call the respective call centre numbers to take their case left, right, and centre. However, when it’s a girl working in night shift then it’s a no-no. Her character is doubted. WHY?
There is a saying in MARATHI, “Shivaji Janmawa pan shejar chya ghari!”, which means all the liberal and rational talking happens but when it is time to show support or back someone who is rebellious or chooses an unconventional path then there is no action that is taken.
A few days back, we returned from a family function and I saw a girl waiting for her cab. She was dressed formally and was wearing the ID card as well.
All these memories flashed in a second, and I was brought back to 2023, the same situation today as well. I managed to strike up a conversation with her to accompany her till her cab arrived!
As a teacher and a mentor, every once in a while, I come across young students in dire need of emotional support.
They hardly ever come forward and acknowledge the fact, but the attendance and performance, or rather the lack of these suggest we teachers inform the parents, and at times, recommend a counselling session.
This one episode with a mentee opened a can of worms of sorts.
Not only was the child cutting classes, but he was missing out on assignments and compulsory projects. He paid no heed to deadlines or warnings, and I summoned the parents.
As always, the mother turned up the next day. It’s a pattern I observe, the students always get their mothers to meet the teachers, citing that the father is on an ‘official tour’. I generally don’t push too much, for the simple reason that the theory is supported by mothers too. This case was no different.
It is disheartening to see parents breaking down before me. This mother claimed that her son would leave home for college every day. So she was shocked to know that he wasn’t in the classroom. She confided he was having temper issues at home, so I recommended our in-house counsellor’s help. Now many parents refuse the session thanks to the needless stigma around mental health issues. But this mother readily agreed, and I introduced the child and the mother to the psychologist.
The counsellor called me two days later to inform me that she needed to meet both parents before preparing a report. She had conveyed this to the student and his mother, but they had stopped the sessions then. She was particular that she meet both parents.
“What do I do, Ma’am? My husband is a very busy person. And you know what, my son told the counsellor that I, his mother, am the reason for his behaviour. I guess I will just stop nagging him and things will be fine.” The student’s mother lamented on the phone.
It took me a lot of coaxing and phone calls to finally get both parents to meet the counsellor, and being the mentor at college, I sat too.
“Your son says he is fed up with being nagged by his mother, be it academics or extracurricular activities. What do you have to say about it?” The counsellor asked the father first.
“Madam, our son wasn’t keen to pursue engineering at all. My wife reasoned that it meant better employment opportunities, and to avoid a scene, I agreed to pay the fees. He is a teenager with raging hormones, I keep telling her to give him some space, but she frets a lot. I iterate, if she lets him be, our son will be alright. If he wishes to drop a year, it’s fine by me, I can afford it.” Quipped the father.
“Sure, sir. But ever wondered why she frets? It’s reasonable to worry about your child’s health, education, and employment. Why did it have to get to this? Were you ever a part of these arguments or discussions, maybe just to support her, or advise her?”
There was dead silence in the room. I guess none of us had anticipated this.
The father was visibly at a loss of words, “Madam, rozi roti ka sawaal hai. I don’t have the time. She has been handling all academics since childhood. I respect her for having sacrificed her career to bring him up, but in a city like Mumbai, I can’t do the same. I do spend time with him, we travel during vacations, I drop him off to his tennis classes ….”
He drifted off, and I could see he was in distress too. The counsellor went on to recommend more father-son time and sessions, etc, but the whole incident got me thinking.
As a mother and a teacher, I have forever heard terms like Emotional, Helicopter or Clingy Moms, but ever heard of these terms being attached to fathers?
In the case of working mothers, some women take a year/ half-year break when their children appear for boards, to just be there to help. It’s a nice gesture, but ever heard of a father doing that?
Be it my own family, my kid would vouch for his Dad being cool and me being Hitler. Why?
Because in most households, the onus of being the caregiver and nurturer falls on the mother invariably. And in modern times, that’s not limited to cooking food. A teenager’s routine involves a myriad of activities that they might not handle by themselves. Lo and behold, the mother appears everywhere. So do the disagreements.
Soon, as the kid starts displaying signs of tantrums or depression, there are a whole lot of people to help the child. But who helps the mother? She is supposed to fend for herself, keep calm, be brave, and not disturb the kid too much…Phew, how pressurizing is that?
My own story isn’t very different. When my son was in 10th, I had a rough run too. I was advised yoga, self-help tips, and whatnot. My husband was away for work most of the time. His words of solace, “Don’t worry. If he scores less, we will secure a capitation seat. We can afford it, take it easy.”
How about sharing my fears, mister? How about taking responsibility for one course at least, rather than brushing the whole thing away?
I wouldn’t generalize, but in my experience, the majority of fathers believe that their primary duty is to bring food to the table. When the wife complains about the kid acting up too much, discipline him (read shout or scold). If both the wife and the child complain about the other, bring peace into the household with some pearls of wisdom, and then, flee to work terming yourself a workaholic. And if none of this works, play the blame game – of their wives being too strict or too lenient.
You might say, our men are conditioned like that. Isn’t it time they change, and realize that fatherhood isn’t only about paying fees?
Forget academics, doesn’t this washing hands off the emotional factor by men, perhaps make women overly dependent on their children for support, leading to many serious post-marriage domestic issues?
Food for thought.
Sara broke her cocoon today, the cocoon that she built around herself with the threads of fear – the fear of abandonment and rejection. The emotional stress she felt for years, now became a pathway to a brighter and more positive world. She climbed the steps – one, two, three. Two more steps to go and she will be there where she never thought she could ever be.
Life wasn’t the same until two days ago to this thirteen year old school girl. She had a house to live in, she had warm food served on her table three times a day, she had a cosy bed in her room and colourful clothes in her wardrobe. But none of these could give her a sense of security, love, assurance and comfort. The songs of violence would ring in her ears, the waters of salt would wet her cheeks and lumps of fear would block her throat. She lived alone in a house of comfort often poked by the thorns of loneliness.
Sara was 9 when her parents finally decided to part ways. She was asked who she would live with. She deliberately chose her mother. Ever since then, she would find just two people in her house – her mother and herself. Her mother would give her everything she needed but the girl of 9 wanted something else which she didn’t know what. The girl spent time with books, papers and pens. She wrote what she felt. She cried into her books, wrote with the ink of her emotions, sang poems and stories into vaccum. Her mother worked tirelessly with no clue of day and night to provide for them. Sara watched her mother run faster than the clock everyday. She longed to spend time, play and share jokes with her mother but she also knew her mother’s busy schedules. She came to terms with lonely vacations and silent weekends. Inspite of her busy schedules, her mother made it a point to speak to Sara everyday at least for a few minutes and know about how her day went. Sara would also share everything with her mother as she cooked in the kitchen. But once those few golden minutes were over, Sara felt lonely again. She always longed for emotional support and the longing begin to shoot up as she entered her teens.
Sara trusted her father. She took joy in his company. When she wanted to escape school, her father was her crime partner. When she needed help in math, her father was there. When she had to watch movies and play in the park, her father walked her with a popcorn. The person in whose eyes she saw only love for her, turned up to be the one who wanted to get rid of her. As years passed, Sara learnt that her father never liked her as he always perceived that it was Sara’s birth that led to the death of his mother – thanks to the family astrologer for connecting Sara’s birth timing to an old woman’s death. Though Sara’s mother tried for years to change her husband’s mindset, she couldn’t succeed. He behaved well with Sara but pestered his wife to abandon her. He always fought with his wife and insisted that they should leave Sara in a foster home. He strongly believed that Sara would bring them immense bad luck and would also be a threat to their lives. He repeatedly emphasised that Sara’s bad luck killed his mother and it would separate them too.
One day, Sara learnt about her father’s intentions and felt a jerk of shock in her nerves. She couldn’t believe that her father hated her so much. Sara hates the day when she overheard her parents’ arguement about abandoning her. She heard her father screaming on top of his voice that she was a sheer bad luck and must be gotten rid of as quickly as possible. Sara even heard her father cry in anger that she shouldn’t be living at all. That day, Sara felt a lump in her throat and the images of her father pouring love for her flashed infront of her eyes. She couldn’t unwrap her head to the fact that all his love was just a Shakespearean drama. His madness for his belief increased to such an extent that he even wanted to end Sara’s life to get rid of her. And that became the point of threshold for Sara’s mother to take a decision. After 9 long years of futile efforts to change his mind, Sara’s mother decided to choose between her husband and her daughter. She chose her daughter. She resolved to raise her daughter by giving everything she can. She walked out of the house with her daughter and strong willpower. She fixed her mind on empowering her daughter and giving her a life she deserved. Little did she think on that day, the kind of impact the series of incidents would have had on the 9-year-old. Sara’s mother had no clue that the little girl overheard her parent’s conversation. Mother thought that discussing those issues would do nothing but pollute the young girl’s mind and so she neither spoke to the girl about the on-goings nor tried to trace down her feelings. Her troubled relationship with her husband changed Sara’s mother and her attitude towards life. Rather than smiling and kidding around like before, she turned into a bold and tough woman. It’s only how, she thought, that she would be able to keep people away from taking advantage of their situation. Unfortunately, the mother failed to realise that she has been directing the same attitude of toughness towards her little girl. Sara saw a mother who could only be as hard as a stone, with barely any emotional bonding. She wanted to enjoy with a fun and frolic mother but most of the times, it hasn’t come true.
Sara began to believe that she was ‘bad luck’. She believed that her ill fate was powerful enough to kill people. She suffered severe self doubt and lack of confidence. She concluded to herself that she was the reason that her parents parted ways. She felt anxious that people would judge her for separating her parents. Her feet backed from going out and playing with kids of her age. She began living with a sense of guilt and hasn’t ever understood how she could correct anything that’s beyond her capacity. Additionally, after coming face to face with her father’s true colours, Sara stopped believing in everything and everyone. She stopped appreciating her mother’s occasional smiles. She stopped believing in the closeness of friends. She stopped acknowledging the acts of random kindness and gestures of humanity. She assumed that every smile had a selfish motive and every act of love was a danger in disguise. Basically, she started developing serious trust issues. She feared that people were talking behind her back about her broken family. She assumed that her friends laughed at her. She began suffering from severe inferiority complex and was always reluctant to socialize. However, she never portrayed her insecurities publicly. She put a brave face and portrayed herself strong. She suppressed her feelings and buried her fears deep beneath her nerves to display a cheerful face – something she never understood why. To portray herself as “not weak”, Sara posed a long nose, a serious face and a bold tone infront of others. She never smiled or spoke softly to anyone. She decided that she shouldn’t let anyone cheat her with words or actions any further. She ensured that no one pointed her out and discovered the only way to it – to excel in academics. She thought that if she were the topper, she would receive respect and no one would dare to speak low of her. For this reason, she ensured that she stood first in every class test. Though she portrayed herself as a stubborn girl, deep inside, her insecurities shook her in the worst possible way. She never opened up to her mother about how she felt because she knew that her mother was a strong woman who wanted to see her daughter stronger than she was. She would dismiss her being weak and crying and cribbing.
Sara loved playing the flute. She always wanted to participate in stage shows and showcase her talent. But for two reasons, she never participated in any of the extra curricular activities in school. One was her insecurity – she believed that as she couldn’t even gain the confidence and love of her father, she wouldn’t be able to please anyone else either. The other was that she wouldn’t have anyone from her family to drop in at the event to cheer for her. She hated going alone to the school functions. She hated to perform on stage knowing that none of her family members would physically be present there to clap and shout for her. She would always see her friends’ parents sit in the audience and cheer for them. But to call out her name and cheer her up, she had no one ever. After the event was over, while all her friends would be picked up by their parents or siblings or grandparents, she would have to walk alone to the bus bay and travel home all by herself. She wouldn’t be able to share the excitement she felt in the event like her friends did. Her lonely commute in the bus would only have never ending questions with answers coming from nowhere. Alongside these main reasons, she was also terribly afraid of what people would comment. She felt that they would make fun of her . “Our annual fest is going to be on 5th December and I want students who haven’t participated thus far to take the lead this time” announced Ms. Sally, Sara’s class teacher. While Sara was still digesting the announcement, Ms. Sally declared that Sara would put up a solo performance on the stellar night.
Mother noticed something unusual about Sara’s behaviour that evening. She went up to her and asked what was going on in her mind. Sara opened up to her mother about her insecurities. Sara’s mother was able to feel what Sara was going through. She said “Your worth is not defined by the presence or absence of a second parent”. She then walked into her room and got a box filled with her old memories. Sara looked closely into the box and found her mother’s photo albums, letters and a collection of her achievements. Her mother, who she knew as a bold, independent woman, had been an active participant in a multitude of stage shows, NCC and public speaking events during her teenage years. She saw the photographs of her mother receiving trophies from some of the big heads of music industry. She was captivated by her mother’s charm and poise. As she read the letters, she was spellbound by the words that commended her mother’s eloquence. She just saw the side of her mother that she had never thought of. Her mother was cheerful, confident and outwardly, unlike what she thought – strict and serious. Her mother also told Sara about how she had overcome the nerves and insecurities to embrace courage. Sara found solace in the shared experiences and understood that fear is not a weakness but a challenge to be conquered.
As she unwrapped every phase of her mother’s past life, Sara unveiled a newfound confidence in her. Glimpses of her mother’s past inspired Sara and she resolved to confront her fears. She took the flute into her hands and started rehearsing for the show. As she breathed her confidence through the long bar of melody, she heard tunes of rejoice fill the air of her room. She played the flute several times in the past but hasn’t ever felt so liberated as she did then. Her eyes twinkled with the joy that smooched her heart. That day, as she filled her nerves with the words of motivation from her mother, Sara said to herself “I too have a family who cheer for me”. For the first time ever, she played the flute because she loved it but not because she wanted to paint herself what she was not. Like a caged bird that escaped to eternal freedom, Sara freed herself from the shackles of self doubt and spread her wings to breathe the air of self love.
As the most awaited night approached, Sara stepped onto the stage with a lion-like attitude. She began to climb the steps of the dais to see everyone from a height that she never ascended until then. She felt her mother’s presence on the front row. The mic is placed on the centre of the stage and a chair is awaiting Sara\\\’s arrival. Sara stepped on to the stage leaving her insecurities behind. “You are what you think” mother’s words reverberated in Sara’s mind. “I am the rockstar of the night” Sara thought to herself. As the lights focused her persona, she felt a mix of nerves and excitement. She adjusted the mic and took her seat. She held the flute with an unexplained elegance, like a queen held her sword. She played and sang and played and sang, her eyes being closed, her heart exploding with happiness, her mind being decluttered and her soul being awakened. As she blew her breath into a final note, applause poured in from the audience like rain in summer. The applause is a celebration of her triumph over her fears and insecurities. Her eyes teared happiness, her cheeks blushed triumph and her skin goose bumped pride. She said to herself “My worth is not defined by the presence or absence of a second parent”.
That night, Sara received a standing ovation for the kind of show she put. The auditorium pulsated with a huge round of applause that continued for not less than 2 minutes. Sara stood there, right on the center of the stage, like a North Star in the early morning sky. The audience expressed their amusement while Sara was still living her moment holding the flute close to her heart unable to believe what was happening. For the first time ever, Sara saw love in people’s eyes for her. She always thought that every third eye was judging her but it was not true. “No one judged me for being a single parent child. No one really thought that I was the reason for the separation of my parents. It was me who assumed everything” she thought to herself.
She saw how people welcomed her, how they loved her performance, how they appreciated her. She realised that one receives what one sends out. She thought that people wouldn’t love or respect her for her broken family but when she experienced their warmth, she realised that what she gets from the outside world has nothing to do with her being a single parent child.
“If I smile at people, they would smile back. If I help and uplift others, they would appreciate it. If I work hard and succeed, they would encourage. If I doubt them and keep them at a distance, they would behave as strangers”
A wave of realisation hit Sara that night and that awakening changed her whole perspective towards life. She felt accepted, appreciated and loved. Her mother didn’t turn up to the show to raise her spirits that night but the whole auditorium did. Sara silently thanked her mother for teaching her the most valuable lesson – “You are never abandoned by those who know your value”. Sara realised her worth, her value. She is never going to lose her valuable ‘self’ for insecurities anymore.
Sara walked out of the auditorium, alone, as usual. There was no one to pick her up like every time. She walked to the nearest bus bay and boarded the last bus. Though things were happening just like they happened before, Sara didn’t feel lonely that night. She no more had the thoughts that she once had. She didn’t feel bad that no one from her family accompanied her. She didn’t crib about not being able to jump into her parents’ arms after the program. She opened the window and let the cool air kiss her forehead and cheeks. She felt the love of the gentle breeze. She felt the hugs of the tiny raindrops. She allowed the thunders strike her ears and smiled at the moon that was running away from the dark clouds. She felt as if the whole universe loved her and that it’s she who never appreciated it. She thought to herself that she wasted a lot of her time thinking about those who never wanted her and turned blind to those who are showering love upon her. The sun brightened up her days, the stars invited her for a splendid stargazing fun, the trees in her garden pampered her with juicy fruits, the rain came to visit her quite often calling her to dance and sing, the birds woke her up every morning, the air tickled her to laugh. But it was she who didn’t realise the love that kept flowing from all the directions. She went blind to everyone who loved her, including her mother. She failed to understand that being left by one person wouldn’t make her unloved. While Sara was lost in her thoughts, she missed getting down the bus at her stop. As she sensed someone tap her shoulder, she turned to see who it was. It was the bus conductor reminding her of her destination.
He stopped the bus noticing that Sara was lost in thoughts and was about to pass her stop. Sara smiled at him and said “Thank you”. That gesture from Sara came as a surprise to the bus conductor. Sara had been travelling in the same bus twice a day for the past two years but never had she smiled at anyone, let alone talking. The conductor usually spoke in a friendly tone to everyone who regularly boarded the bus – be it school and college going students or working men and women. Everyone was equally friendly to him but Sara. Sara never smiled at him in two years. The conductor was surprised to see Sara smile at him that night. While getting down the bus Sara said “Good night”. Both the driver and the conductor of the bus looked at each other in awe.
Sara reached home and spoke nothing. She walked to her mother and hugged her. Her mother read Sara’s silent language. Sara suddenly started loving her home. She looked around the house and how her bed was always ready to hug and tuck her in. She adored the plants and trees in her backyard for they were always ready to rejoice her with their shade, fruits, flowers, smell, butterflies and more. She acknowledged how the terrace comforted her by giving her space to think, reflect, speak to the stars and the moon, walk around and look at the distant hills and green fields. Her summer vacation started from the following day and Sara no longer hated vacations. She didn’t feel alone in the house. She didn’t feel abandoned and left out anymore. She realised that everything and everyone around her can share love, provided she was open to receive. Sara said to herself that she would be cautious about not falling for every smile but at the same time, she would also appreciate every act of genuine love showered upon her.
Sara’s mother felt very happy that her daughter figured out what love is. The change in Sara’s behaviour said it all. At times, she thought how would it be if Sara’s father would have seen her grow into a talented, sensible and compassionate woman. What answer would he give for all the words he threw like pots and pans against the innocent little girl? The little girl who he called was bad luck, had been molding herself into a strong, resilient, helpful person. Sara’s mother felt that she should take Sara to him one day and show him that he was not just wrong but was insane to the girl. She wanted to show him how the little girl that he foolishly blamed for his mother’s death had been growing up day by day fighting all odds. However, the next moment she felt pity for him for not being able to experience the pure love of his daughter. She thought that he missed his daughter’s affection and that itself was a penalty for his wrong thoughts and deeds. She felt euphoric as Sara eventually embraced self love. She felt pleased as Sara began to become courageous and outspoken. Above all, as Sara had been turning sensible to others’ needs and emotions, she felt proud as a mother.
Sara no longer craved for what was not right for her. She knew what was right was already hers.
Please enter your email address